45 Second Reviews
Why be fair and actually listen to five albums when you can be an ADHD smartass?
00:48-1:32 of “Untrue”
Boy was my assumption about this one wrong. I was positive I was going to get a Buck 65 style hip-hop deal but no, Burial had to go ahead and make me look stupid by releasing this weird dub electronic record that sounds like haunted Jamaican monks being eaten by cannibalistic Boards of Canada fans.
In and Out of Love
Bad Boy Records
02:24-03:09 of “I Love You”
Hmm, this is really familiar sounding — I can’t quite put my finger on it. Oh right, it sounds like Michael Jackson. I’m not even entirely sure which voice is Cheri Dennis’, there are seven people singing lead roles here. Maybe she doesn’t actually exist, maybe, just maybe, she is nothing more than robot or it’s actually Woody Allen singing as the computers adjust the pitch.
How to Kill Music
03:00-03:45 of “Upside Down Cross”
Aw crap, I thought this was going to be metal. What the hell is this? This sounds like something from the Veronica Mars soundtrack. What kind of freaking pop-rock record is this? I mean Avril Lavigne as an influence on an album that has a track called “Upside Down Cross?” This is one of those rock chick albums by a girl that thinks she’s rock ‘n’ roll because she dyes a strand of her hair red and does devil horns wrong on American Idol. She’s quirky, sure, but that doesn’t make it right. Argh! I thought this was going to sound like Butt Trumpet! I was so stoked!
Flight of the Liophant
00:30-01:15 of “Waves in Waves”
The best I can figure it, this is something like if Soul Coughing, Animal Collective and Archie Eversole released an album together. If this song was actually about ghost riding the whip I wouldn’t be all that surprised. Wait for it, oh yeah, “Rollin’ and strollin’ they got me moanin’ and dronin’.” Way to not be a chick-rock iPod commercial waiting to happen like I thought you’d be Alexis.
Heaven, Heartache and the Power of Love
Big Machine Records
02:10-02:55 of “Heaven, Heartache and the Power of Love”
Holy crap. I mean that in every sense of the word, as ol’ Trisha bawls, “Well the preacher says when your time is up you’ll take a chariot to the Lord, well I’m hoping my chariot is…” I can only hope that the rest of that line is “ON FIRE.” This reminds me a lot of that song from Dawson’s Creek. Did she write that one too? Whatever, anyway, I’m going to take a rocket out of here, because I’m in love with Ms. Yearwood’s sentiment and power — her and Oprah just saved me from a terrible future.
— Thorin Klosowski