45 Second Reviews
Why give anything an intent listen and fair assessment when I can review 5 albums in a matter of 225 seconds?
Bullet for My Valentine
Scream Aim Fire EP
00:30-01:15 of “Eye of the Storm”
ARG! This is really, really, really bad metal. I believe that someone from Iron Maiden is playing guitar incredibly loudly, so that the only other thing you can hear is this 15-year-old sounding kid trying to emulate Metallica. I finally get a fucking metal album and it sounds like a child wrote it. No wonder metal dudes never get laid, they probably describe this as being “sick.”
Alone – The Home Recordings of Rivers Cuomo
01:00-01:45 of “Lemonade”
Um, I’m not going to lie. This sounds like it might as well have been a Weezer album. I mean, why not? Rivers ran the band anyway, and the band's music isn’t really that enterprising. It’s the Rivers Cuomo show and “Lemonade” sounds just as bittersweet as the rest of it. Did you see that? I used bittersweet in reference to the song title… maybe I should write for Weezer.
Lupe Fiasco’s The Cool
02:10-02:55 of “Hip-Hop Saved My Life”
A sultry piano takes this track along as Lupe describes the ways in which his life was saved by the musical genre known as “hip-hop.” I hear that all the kids are playing the “hip-hop” these days, and apparently most of them are sucking. Hip-hop might be saving your life Lupe, but you’re also saving hip-hop’s. Way to kill Kanye and Cent at their own stupid game… dog.
02:15-03:00 of “The Cross”
God damn it. I thought this was going to be a metal album. Why does everything that looks like a metal album end up being a Christian album? What the hell? Why is there a sitar? This is really making me mad. I can’t tell the difference between a totally rad metal band that bleeds on stage and a Christian band that sings about bleeding on the cross.
A Tale of Two Cities EP
00:15-1:00 of “Troubled Times”
If I had had a girlfriend in High School, I bet she would have really loved this indulgent crap. It has a grasp on '80s pop rock with hints and nods to bands like the Smiths and the Cure. The line, “drowning in the crowd, be careful not to think.” That proves that whoever wrote this pile of shit wasn’t thinking when he wrote it, or the line, “We’re living in troubled times.” Go read Chomsky and join the Peace Corps or something.
-- Thorin Klosowski