When Rock 'n' Roll meets Hollywood: Ten Awful Decisions
Taking Woodstock is in theaters Friday. Maybe it will be really good, or maybe taking a stand-up comedian and sticking him in a semi-dramatic movie about Woodstock that doesn't feature any -- any! -- musical performances is a terrible idea. Still, rock 'n' roll and Hollywood have been ugly, messy bedfellows since both things started, and Taking Woodstock would have to work pretty hard to do worse than any of these moments of crossover disaster.
You may notice an overabundance of selections from a certain ten-year span in this list. Indeed, an alternate title for this list could just be, "The '80s: What the fuck were we thinking?"
10. Vanille Ice in Cool as Ice
This would be so much worse if there were any sort of reputation to ruin in the first place.
9. Mick Jagger in Freejack
In the future (or the present, as the movie is set in 2009), the ozone layer is gone and there are fascists all over the place. Mick plays the witty villain with all the emotional range of a homicidal Big Bird. Actually, that makes it sound a lot better than it is. Dial this one straight to the one minute mark for some acting that's stiffer than the cover of Sticky Fingers.
8. Bruce Willis cuts The Return of Bruno
Honestly, this is exactly what you should expect from Bruce Willis making music. It's nostalgic and manly and patriotic. Terrorist fightin' songs, perfect music to blow shit up to. But, you know, he's about thirty years late on rockabilly, five shades too white to be pulling off the blues, and pretty much talentless as a singer. This one's the only track he had a hand in writing on this album. Sweet shades, Bruno.
7. David Bowie in Labyrinth
This clip really says it all. Open on crying baby. Pan out to show pit full of monsters with spiked helmets and one with a fu manchu. Cut to David Bowie lounging in some sort of throne. Don't show his crotch just yet. Build the anticipation. Monster shoots blow dart at rooster. Bowie stands. Keep the camera above the waist. He walks through monsters. Ass facing camera. He starts singing. It's weird, but then again this is Jim Henson and David Bowie. He tosses a monster through the air. Dance routine. Over the course of the next minute, the camera shows little glimpses. Then, at the 1:45 mark, right after he punts some creature, we get a straight-on shot. That lump you see? Just be glad the resolution isn't better. Trust me. More weird dancing. And then, right at the end, we get Bowie pitching the baby maybe ten feet in the air and letting a nearby monster catch him. Between the distinguishable penis and the abuse, this has to be in the conversation for worst children's movie ever.