What are Jay-Z's 99 problems? We know a bitch ain't one.

Categories: Lists

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It's well known an this point that Jay-Z (appearing tonight at the Pepsi Center with Sound Tribe Sector 9, Trey Songz and Young Jeezy) has 99 problems, and a bitch, most certainly, ain't one. Curiously, though, until now, no one's really taken a hard look at just what Hova's 99 problems are, particularly these days. After much discussion and analysis, we've narrowed down a list what we think the rapper is plagued with over the course of a typical day, like the fact that all the money in the world can't keep his new kitten from shedding on the couch, or perhaps he's wrestling with the possibility that Babe Ruth indeed made the Yankee hat more famous than he did. See the full list after the jump.

1. All the easy rhymes for Jay-Z are either pejorative (like lazy, crazy) or too obscure and confusing (Swayze?).
2. Speaking of "ZY," anyone else notice there's an overuse of nicknames that end in "ZY" in the rap community. What's up with that?
3. Keeps hearing that he needs to check out "pretty lights" when he comes to Denver. Wishes people would be more specific.
4. Thinks he still has some Flobots stashed somewhere in a box at his mom's house, wonders how much they're worth and what kind of shape they're in.
5. No one will take his unreleased country album seriously, and it hurts his feelings. A lot.
6. Left his favorite sunglasses in a cab, can't find another pair that fit right, and now life seems hollow, meaningless
7. Pet bear ate three Cub Scouts when it escaped the grounds. That cost him a cool $25 million to keep quiet.
8. Even he can't think of a rhyme for "orange"
9. Sure, his clothing line and club ventures are doing well, but no one is playing his board game or buying his action figure.
10. Afraid of clowns.
11. Is really bothered by the fact he didn't understand the ending of Battlestar Galactica.
12. Even more miffed that Obama turned down his request to be appointed ambassador to Brooklyn.
13. He's terribly conflicted by his desperate desire to appear on Dancing with the Stars and his knowledge it would be bad for his image.
14. He can't digest dairy, so ice cream makes him crazy gassy.
15. Can't find enough time or energy to finish the quilt he started last year.
16. Every Christmas he's visited by the ghosts of Notorious B.I.G., Tupac and John Denver, and it's really freaking him out
17. Is afraid he won't be able to fly any more if he loses his magic feather. Wait, that's Dumbo.
18. His collection of vintage VHS recordings of Yo, MTV Raps! is wearing out, and as far as he knows, there's no plan to release them on DVD anytime soon.
19. The New Jersey Nets and their dogged pursuit of the worst record in NBA history.
20. Being subpoenaed over a multi-million dollar gambling contract bidding war with Russell Simmons.
21. Kanye West's emotionally fragile phone calls in the middle of the night.
22. 50 Cent calls once a day trying to convince him to do video game voice work.
23. Kingdom Come .
24. Mop-haired British dudes who run their mouths.
25. Collision Course .
26. Keeps wondering what Biggie would do.
27. Trying to decide whether to see Dirty Projectors or Animal Collective on the night they're both playing.
28. What to get nephew Daniel Julez Smith, Jr. for his sixth birthday: Model airplane or actual airplane.
29. Kids these days.
30. That one time in the early '90s when he broke a sweat.
31. Trying to figure out why the hell Vol 2... Hard Knock Life is his best-selling album.
32. Soulja Boy Tell 'Em.
33. Worried about getting cataracts.
34. Deciding what sort of silk neckwear to wear today.
35. The possibility that Babe Ruth indeed made the Yankee hat more famous than he did.
36. Rocawear's shower gel, at $25.00 per bottle, performing poorly on the market.
37. Coming to terms with the fact that the iPad just isn't the reader he'd hoped it would be.
38. Losing to LeBron James in online poker.
39. Ensuring his paper's legit.
40. It's really hard to find a hat that fits such an enormous, ego-swollen head.
41. Loves wearing his Snuggie around the house, but afraid he'll lose street cred if anyone finds out.
42. His solid gold shoes look fly, but are really heavy, uncomfortable and hard to walk in.
43. Can't be taken seriously as a top rapper until his movie career produces a few terrible films, but Hollywood won't return his calls.
44. Actually despises that swill he pushes for Budweiser, but forced to drink it to keep his paper right.
45. Mom insists on calling him Shawn.
46. All the money in the world can't keep his new kitten from shedding on the couch.
47. Doesn't actually like the title Blueprint.
48. Fredro Starr keeps coming around to borrow milk.
49. Allergic to wool.
50. Can't grow a moustache to save his life.
51. Terrible plaque buildup.
52. For the longest time he thought "Ja Rule" was a compliment.
53. Just found out "The Black Album" wasn't an original title.
54. Nelly still hasn't returned his copy of Love in the Time of Cholera.
55. The damn neighbor kid keeps on losing his Frisbee on his roof.
56. Doesn't like bananas.
57. When his car won't start, he has to walk twelve feet to get into another one.
58. Halitosis.
59. Can't drive a stick.
60. Addicted to the scent of Sharpies.
61. Can't ski.
62. Can't beat the last boss in Super Mario Galaxy.
63. Losing sleep trying to figure out why Nyquil is green and Dayquil is orange.
64. Just realized that the implications being dubbed "J Hova." Expecting to be struck by lightning at any moment.
65. Thinks it's a diss when everyone keeps referring to him as the GOAT. (WTF?! He's never even been on a farm, for crying out loud!)
66. He can't figure out basketball to save his life.
67. He can never find his helicopter keys.
68. That one lady from Destiny's Child won't stop calling the house and prattling on about loyalty.
69. Sunglasses always look funny on him.
70. He can never find good barbecue in San Jose.
71. Restless Leg Syndrome.
72. The spelling of "entrepreneur."
73. These hangovers are getting worse every year.
74. He keeps falling for the "let's not do Valentine's Day presents" trick.
75. Do you know how much work it takes to get a hat bill this flat?
76. He can't find anyone to do the Amazing Race with him.
77. He screened Avatar in his movie theater, and has been vaguely sad ever since.
78. Same with Up.
79. He secretly loves the Mets.
80. He secretly hates Cristal.
81. He recently switched to Firefox, and while he totally loves it, he can't figure out how to clear his browsing history, so he has to use Safari to surf porn. The constant toggling between browsers is wearisome.
82. The mixtape he planned on doing with John Mayer now seems a bit ill-conceived.
83. Can't figure out why he keeps getting emails from so many strangers concerned with his erections or lack thereof.
84. Envious of the inherent pathos of "Pants on the Ground," he's kicking himself for not weighing in on the whole baggy drawers phenomenon first.
85. Just heard that Friday Night Lights will most likely get the hook after this season.
86. Wishes a certain diva would at least give him a heads-up if she's going to rearrange the Netflix queue. Sheesh!
87. Where do you get those smoking cigarette shades Lady Gaga's wearing in her new video? If B knows, she's not saying.
88. Is relieved this whole health care reform issue has been resolved, but concerned that the partisan chasm it's created isn't healthy for anyone. Can't we all just get a long?
89. It's been more than thirty minutes -- where's the freaking pizza already?
90. Why is Obama getting so much run for his Final Four bracket? Why hasn't anyone mentioned how he won the office Super Bowl pool this year? Again.
91. Three words: Slurpee. Brain. Freeze.
92. Having a hard time syncing up Dark Side of the Moon with Wizard of Oz.
93. Still can't understand why the Dodgers left Brooklyn.
94. Always gets stuck in the back of the plane when he flies Southwest.
95. Puzzled by the plotline of Momento.
96. Can't figure out why Bill Simmons hasn't had him on the BS Report yet. Eagerly awaiting to be dubbed Czar of something. Anything.
97. Keeps losing the backs to his diamond earrings.
98. Having a terrible time finding Chocodiles, the world's most savory desert, when he's on the road.
99. That auto-tune effect still bugs him.

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