Lindsay Lohan, 90 Days in Jail: Five alternative sentencing ideas
Lindsay Lohan cried this week in a sentencing hearing when she was ordered to spend ninety-days in jail, followed by probation. Harsh. All the same, with no less than two DUIs under her belt at age 24 -- and honestly, it's not like she couldn't afford someone to chauffer her around morning, noon and night while she imbibes -- Lohan is clearly in need of some tough love. Creatively tough love. Jail is okay, but if the courts really want Lohan to feel the burn of justice, here's five other things she could be sentenced to for ninety that will have her begging for mercy.
05. Ninety days of "A Little More Personal"
It's not that Lohan's second full-length album (remember that?) was bad, per se -- it's that it was boring. Like those of so many celebrities at the top of their respective fields, Lohan's crossover effort came off as crass and manufactured just on the first listen. One million listens later, we're sure Lohan will be very sorry.
04. Ninety days of Herbie: Fully Loaded
Though Lohan's performance was, without a doubt, the best thing about Disney's banal and utterly unnecessary 2005 continuation of its 1960s era Herbie series, the fact remains that she played a prominent role in partially ruining our beloved childhood memories of The Love Bug. Watch it until your eyes bleed, Lohan.
03. Ninety days of showing up to court
Since Lohan's tough sentencing came mostly as a result of her failing to appear for court, perhaps an apt punishment would be just that: Showing up for life obligations that most people have the wherewithal to take seriously -- Except for then she probably wouldn't, which would just lead to more jail sentences, and then ... well, never mind.
02. Ninety days of not showing the vajayjay in public
It seems Lohan has a curious inability to exit a car, boat or possibly any other means of transportation without revealing her hairless member -- like, really, how many times have we seen that thing? You are hearby sentenced to ninety-days of just wearing frickin' underpants like everyone else, for heaven's sakes.
01. Nintety days in an actual rehabilitation facility
On a serious note (sorry), Lohan clearly has problems with substances. Jail is one thing and pansy-ass celebrity Club-Med rehab is another, but real rehab is no joke -- and isn't "rehabilitation" the whole point anyway? Lohan may have a penchant for flippancy about adulthood's basic obligations, but we suspect ninety-days on lockdown with a ragged, toothless former prostitute on meth DTs might change her tune.