Raver Girls and you: A pictorial guide to how to escape these dangerous predators

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There you are, minding your own business, innocently chatting up a transvestite, when you're confronted by a dreaded raver girl. She stares at you with her cool eyes and pastied nipples, sizing you up, coiling as if to pounce -- and suddenly you black out and awake an indeterminate amount of time later at the bottom of a dry well, battered and reeking of lotion. As children, we all learn this scenario in school -- but it couldn't happen to you, right? Wrong. For your safety and awareness, we sent our heroic photographer Aaron Thackeray to Skylab to capture photos (see full slideshow from the party here) of these lasses in their natural habitat for identification purposes and tips on how to escape their alluring wiles.

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The markings on this lady's teats clearly peg her as an excellent specimen of homo skankiens, a fearsome and majestic hunter. She displays her battle scars -- and her mammaries -- proudly.

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Even more so than a cargo van full of hard candy and scented oils, this is possibly the most terrifying sight a human can witness: Teeth bared and adorned in ceremonial garb, this lady inflates herself into the "intimidation posture," hypnotizing you like a cute, tiny little bunny rabbit before a venomous snake. In this scenario, the best course of action is to drop to the ground and throw sand in her eyes, temporarily blinding her until you can make your escape.

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Like an astrophysical singularity, this one's gravity is forceful enough that even her clothing has collapsed upon itself, forming what scientists call "rave matter." Those who approach her will suffer a similar fate, drawn like a bug in a whirlpool over the cusp, falling inexorably toward an event horizon of nipple.

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302 comments
MrScorpio
MrScorpio

Married and past my prime here. You kids seem to be having all the fun.

Rave on!

punkaramma
punkaramma

Hey that's my friend Sara's photo the second one down how great I'll have to let her know she's been fetured :)

isaaclucero1175
isaaclucero1175

Ok....the idiots on here have obviously not had any real life experiences. ..I will continue in one moment

Andy Beyer
Andy Beyer

To the women in the photographs: You are all beautiful, hot, and sexy. I would love to run into any of you at a rave and have a deep meaningful moment of recognition. Your souls burn bright and you are full of love! To the writer: You have the power of humor on your side. Don't use it to put down beautiful people, because using your powers for evil over good will make you ugly. I'm not going to say you are totally talentless but have some respect for your fellow humans and use your skills to move the world forward, not to hold it back.

Suzq141
Suzq141

LMFAO dood this shit was.HILARIOUS. ROFL LMAO BAHAHA LOLOL LMFAO

Arbor
Arbor

Hey guys. I have nothing worthwhile to write about. So here are some essentially naked pictures of girls and some captions to pretend Im writing an article.

Pyro
Pyro

Has anyone ever heard of a good-natured trolling? Jesus Christ, it might be rare, but they DO actually exist (incredibly). Calm the hell down.

Marcus Netters
Marcus Netters

Seems to me several Ravosauraus X's are very upset about this article? I for one have learned to fear spray paint and tassled boobage.. mission accomplished good sir

Steve B
Steve B

Funny stuff, can't believe how seriously people are taking this article.  Nice work!

Arian Smith
Arian Smith

Its a joke morons! Stop being so serious. Sheesh.

sculpting the air
sculpting the air

Raves still exist? Huh. I frequented that scene from about '95-'00. Those were the sexless mute muppet years, style-wise. These girls are a definite improvement, especially Ms. Hearts. No way she's underage, or if she is, she's been eating her Wheaties. That there's a woman.

Judging by some of these comments, there are still a lot of humor-impaired ravers. Party kids were generally happy, but it was a serious happiness, with little room for a trickster's sensibility. Anything involving above-average verbal facility didn't go over too well. I sort of understand this. I explored some of the further reaches of the standard scene head spaces, so to speak, and when you're in full contact with the sense of experience often referred to vaguely as "vibe", mere cleverness seems so prosaic, and sarcasm like sour grapes.

But if you can't step back from the ineffable every now and then, you're probably on the road to burnout city. Cherish language in its manifold glory, kids, its thistles as much as its blossoms, however dreary and grayscale the whole enterprise may seem from the peaks of absolute Is-ness. You're going to need it when your long weekend is over.

Garen Arden Powers
Garen Arden Powers

As a raver myself, i found this article hilarious!  Take a joke people.

Rambleonrose
Rambleonrose

hilarious! You forgot to mention that most of these half naked raver chicks are only 16

TANNERWELDON
TANNERWELDON

i love raver girls they are gods gift to men....BTW BE SURE AND GO TO BONFIRES AND BASS IN DEPEW,OK AT A 175,000 ACRE COMPOUND 2 DAY MUSIC FESTIVAL!!!!!

Jdks
Jdks

I like how they are all pretty much from a star track convention. Come to REV and grab hottest ravets there and you will change your mind.

jem
jem

Holy shit, are people really dropping the H(ate) bomb on this posting? Get some real problems.

Adrieva3
Adrieva3

You complainers are soooooo ridiculous, I'm sure there are things you make fun of, and this is not that bad. Take a chill pill, I'm sure you maul other topics with humor of your own, so stop whining, my raver friends thought this was hilarious. This editor isn't killing a fly. Be free! 

Neiner
Neiner

Ok when I was raving my tits didn't show..and all due to respect to going. W the flow and if u got it flaunt it..but..damn isn't about the music???

Alexsis
Alexsis

Lol. Two things, Im a woman and a raver and I thought this article was absolutely hilarious and all my raver friends have been sharing it on fb. Keep up the good work. :)

compton
compton

i must sayyour photographers fucking sucks

K.t. Domino
K.t. Domino

This is why I have a NO PHOTOS policy at events. Idiot tabloid journalists with cameras are NOT your friends. Taking photos of me = one broken camera.

Xodaloserox
Xodaloserox

You obviously think the rave scene is a joke, and I completely understand that because I have more than several friends who think it's "gay." BUT, I really do not think you should bash it if you haven't experienced it, or even be critical of the girls who attend these events and dress in this way. If you knew what raves were about you would know that it's an accepting environment where people can be whoever they want to be and dance their faces off. You can express yourself and not get judged. Leave these girls alone, they don't go out with the intention of being whores. Sometimes girls like to be sexy and dress up in cool costumes and get filthy on the dance floor? Are we not allowed just because we have tits? We're just trying to have fun, don't judge us. Just sayin holmes, don't hate cus' there's no reason to. OH and ps you OBVIOUSLY have not seen pictures of the hot ass girls that wear those costumes as well, and those trump any "scary" rave girls. So maybe you just don't like hot girls?

Diego_e26
Diego_e26

Dude I'm sure this person that was wrighting this is a fucking hater...like really I bet this person is a big fat ugly person wishing that they can show off there body but they can't cuz there unsicure of themslef's and if you don't want to see half naked girls then don't go to raves you fuckin dumbs. It's that easy

Yoga Teacher Training
Yoga Teacher Training

The photos was described in another comment as scary/disturbing though that does seem a bit inadequate. Quite original outfits, a few of them can be considered as fashionable. As Ben T. said, it does look like a digital frat house!

Rose
Rose

So I've been raving for awhile and granted there are people who dress like this. Depending on the A.) type B.) location and C.) performing artists of said rave.

I see nothing wrong with writing a humorous article (God knows we could do with a laugh) but please keep in mind that not all ravers are like this. I sincerely hope that the girls pictured were not upset with your comments.

 Now may we have an article that focuses on the music?

DrumnBassFACElove
DrumnBassFACElove

I have been going to raves for 6 years. To judge a whole sub culture on a few pictures you found on the internet, is retarded. So what some people dress ridiculous, its normally the new people (people like you) who come on the scene assuming that drugs and dressing weird is all its about. Not true what so ever. Like they say there is a cracker in every race. Same goes for cultures and subcultures. Trance and Drum and Bass is the only reason why I go, I love the music and unfortunately raves are the only place that you can find them. However, this article I can tell by the structure it was written, was meant to be taken with a grain of salt. So my fellow EDM followers, don't go getting all upset. Just know what is true and Rave ON. =)

lottalaughs
lottalaughs

So, I do go to a few raves with my boy. However....I think that we are a little bit smarter than your average bear. I mean, we did attend an academy. but still, Im half joking.

Now, you have the girls like the ones above. And you have people who are looking to hook up and do drugs. and you have the "Im not really sure what Im doing, I just know my body aint that great and I really dont want to walk around looking like I forgot to get dressed today" people, like myself. However, at my first rave, I did end up getting a heat exhaustion...... Granted, this was after my college orientation, which walked us all around campus and didnt give us much time for getting water. But I can see where less clothes= better at a place like this. Am I going to do something like this? No.

These people very obviously want people to look at them. There is honestly no other reason for looking like that. What angers me is when they get upset because someone doesnt instantly get a boner from them, but says something about how they shouldnt have so few clothes on. Darlings everywhere, if it will hurt you to recieve hurtful commentary, please consider wearing more. You gotta have the balls to do something like that. I dont. I know I would cry if I ended up on an article like this. So I dont do something like that. You can have your own beautiful style without wearing nothing.

That said, I dont really see pasties that often at raves : /

Great article! I laughed so hard. Showed it to friends, they laughed too.

Perv
Perv

that last girl in the silver totally looks like porn star eve laurence...

Moon
Moon

This is not a rave. i am a rave girl and we dont act like this. get your facts right before you proceed to trash a whole group of people.

Aliya08
Aliya08

Hmmm bruises from pole dancing?

Maybe she's doing it wrong.

Or maybe she shoots heroin in her thigh vein and those bruises are from missing.

DUH.

Attention: Dazzle is a heroin addict stripper BEWARE OF HER PAISTEES!!!

The Pen is A Weapon
The Pen is A Weapon

1st of all i think writing crap like this,while humorous,about real people and situations is wrong.2nd:seems to me this article was written by a non-raver and was intended towards such an audience....but this is not the onion or some make up news company...so please keep the reports on the music and the real dangers in the scenes...like dirty old men trying to lure young partiers......overdoses....rape.....important stuff3rd:

Lucy
Lucy

I don't think this actical was really ment to hurt anybody, it seems like a goof page and people are going to take it how ever they want. Every "scene" is going to get some trash talk, it's just how shit goes. If your really "offended" then really do something about it. If you're not going to do something about it, learn how to shrug shit off, (Dazzle). I've been to raves, and honestly some girls do need to put on a bit more clothing, and some shit is gnar as fuck. Sorry.

Dan
Dan

I think they call the underage ones Prostitots these days - at least the ones who look like hookers. I went to a rave event a few years ago around here and there was some Jurasic looking middle-aged DJ trying to look like a stud with his barely raver stripper-types dancing to his set. It would have been cool was it not so funny.

Have you seen some of the photos on facebook for the rave go-go dancers competition? Some of them are downright skanky and scary looking. Piercings and bruises everywhere. Yuck!

Tim H
Tim H

Ben T ur a slut period stop crying cause you pulleda twat muscle and look at the boob and move on with your life accordingly

Leathertoyman
Leathertoyman

Who really cares how someone dresses? If you go to a club and you know it's a Rave, and to focused on how others are dressed and how much fun their having, and your not. That is your Problem. If you worrie about what the Shackels of every day life says is right or wrong. Again it's Your Problem, get over it and yourself. Thes people are not hurting anyone, or themselves. So who Cares... The Far Right Wing? Dance Love Have Fun and don't worrie about the Future for it may never come.

Krunch
Krunch

You go to a rave to either hear/see a show or be a part of it. Music is a key component no doubt, but the environment and the vibe are important also. The mix of people at a party are what make it fun. As a dj I love it when people just let go of all inhibitions and do, dress, and dance how they feel. Big-ups to the airbrushed chick..that was beautiful body art.

MichaelWais
MichaelWais

"Moon Drop" was pretty awesome when it was around. I went to some awesome warehouse parties and raves when I was in my 20s too.

 

Other than that, I too thought the article was pretty hilarious. I'm wondering why people need to have "irony" explained to them. That only kills the punchline! I guess it makes sense if you need a laugh-track to tell you that something either is or isn't funny. :/

Tannerweldon
Tannerweldon

Check us out on Facebook at BONFIRES AND BASS also Check out Think.Ent too!!!!

jem
jem

I think the amount of emotion put into this actually is a joke. Watch the news. Freak out about something that matters. Wear whatever you want to the party. No one cares. It's a joke. 

jem
jem

I'm pretty sure that you lose all credibility if you can't even spell the word "write," right. I'm pretty sure that a person with as man unsightly spelling abominations as that has a completely worthless opinion when it comes to anything that anyone is writing about anything at all. "fuckin dumbs" indeed. Sounds like you're dropping even more F bombs n class than you are dropping E at the party.

Lakdjf
Lakdjf

Ummmm i do go to parties and all that shiz DOES totally happen and this is funny as hell, if these hooks cant laugh at themselves who can ya laugh at? besides this stuffs just stupid its not even personal!

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