5 genres we're forcibly killing right now
As we continue to look back on 2010, we are struck by how new labels for increasingly slippery kinds of music all sound like they were written by high freshman lit majors. Many of these attempts are merely useless, but some are worse than that: they wind up justifying shitty music with important-sounding labels. Today, we're doing our part by officially snuffing out a few worst offenders. 
Take that, Chillwave.
1. CHILLWAVE
Aliases: Glo-fi, Hypnagogic Pop,
Birth Date: March 20, 2007
Panda Bear releases Person Pitch
What it sounds like:
Kids with Garage Band and Google Alerts for "soft rock OR 60s pop + bit torrent"
Cause of death:
You can only make "Deadbeat Summer" once or twice in a year and the rest is coma-inducing. Turns out we can get sick of something more than irony in music: apathy.
Artists with Lifetime Achievement Awards in Chillwave:
1. Neon Indian
2. Washed Out
3. Memory Tapes
Three ways to describe Chillwave if you want to sound like an asshole:
1. Blissful
2. Nostalgic
3. Cool
Listen: "Run Out" by Memory Tapes
2. WITCH HOUSE
Aliases: Drag, Screwgaze, Haunted House, Rapegaze
Birth Date: May 13, 2010
Pictureplane tweets, "I invented witch house yo"
What it sounds like:
Chillwave on harder drugs.
Cause of death:
It was a joke, people. We refuse to be fed bullshit and talk about how good it tastes. Rapegaze gets thrown in here because it's basically the same thing: A band being called Witch House laughed and said, "Watch this."
Artists with Lifetime Achievement Awards in Witch House:
1. Modern Witch
2. ///▲▲▲ \\
3. oOoOO
Three ways to describe Witch House if you want to sound like an asshole:
1. True Real
2. Haunting
3. Avant-Garde
Listen: "Light Speed" by Modern Witch
3. WILL.I.AM
Birth Date: March 15, 1975
William James Adams is born.
What it sounds like:
Vanilla club plagiarism.
Cause of death:
"The Time (Dirty Bit)"
Artists with Lifetime Achievement Awards in will.i.am:
1. Black Eyed Peas
2. Usher
3. Fergie
Three words to describe will.i.am if you want to sound like an asshole:
1. Danceable
2. Fun
3. Catchy
Listen: "OMG" by Usher
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