Ten Songs about masturbation
Hanging the Hamster. The Five Digit Disco. Jerking the Johnson. There's a million terms for the ingratiating act of self-love. Look, if we're being real here, there's no shame in the game. After all, not everyone can be pleasured by super-fantastic lovers all day, everyday, and sometimes this means having to take matters into your own, uh, lubed up hands.
So lest you feel like you are the only one up at 1 a.m. diddling your doodle while watching soft-core porn on HBO because your computer has crashed from yet another virus, rest easy: You're not. Everybody does it, which is probably why there's so many songs about it. All of this is top of mind right now because we thought "S&M" by Rhianna was just such a tune. Evidently it's not -- or so she says, anyway (ahem... bullshit!). But the ones below most certainly are.
10. "I Touch Myself" -- DiVinyls
Let's just get this one out of the way, shall we? This 1991 hit was far from the first song about getting off, but it was it was one of the first songs to sing it loud and proud over the airwaves. Something about women touching themselves makes men immediately think of sex toys and threesomes, so kudos DiVinyls. And do you fucking remember the video? Christina Amphlett rolling around in a short, tight dress and thigh highs, with pouty lips, cleavage, and that shaggy do makes us want to touch ourselves. Yeah, we know, hot.
9. "Pump It Up" - Elvis Costello
When men deal with mean bitches...they need to get their aggression out and what better way than to take it out on the penis. The beat automatically makes you move your ass around, but when you realize what it's about, wanking off just seems like the right thing to do. Go ahead... pump it up... you know you want to. No judgments.
8. "She Bop" - Cyndi Lauper
Holy shit. Reportedly, Lauper wrote this song while buck-ass naked... and really, is there any better way to write a song about treating yourself right? Nope. The video with its vibrating motorcycles, Beefcake mags, and Masterbingo scene leave little to the imagination. And because of its feigned raunchy nature it got on to some nasty list that resulted in the "parental approved" sticker. Bastards. Speaking for women everywhere, thank you for getting the ever so important message out that "Everybody Bops!" Because... we do. Frequently.
7. "Turning Japanese" - The Vapors
This seemingly racist jam is only offensive if you don't get it's true meaning and the not-so-hidden message is all about taking a shake break. Fine, the band denies that it's about tossing off, but we know the truth. And the reason we know the truth? Because we watch enough porn to know those eyes.
6. "Longview" - Green Day
This chart topper propelled these punkers into mainstream success and became an anthem for lazy youths around the country. Give us a song all about smoking the pot and jerking off, and we'll give you a dirty and perfect fucking day. Let's call it a Green day, in honor of Billy Joe and the boys.