Ten songs Rockies first baseman Todd Helton could use for his walk-on music this season
Pitchers and catchers reported this week. You know what that means, right? Yeah, probably nothing. We're not going to get our hopes up here. I mean, aside from our new skipper, Walt Weiss, a beloved former Rockies shortstop, there's really no reason to believe this season will be any less agonizing than last year. Who knows, though? Maybe Weiss and company will actually give us something to cheer for. We'll see. Time will tell.
In the meantime, let's occupy ourselves with more pressing matters, shall we, like, say, figuring out what the walk-on music for a certain recently-arrested first baseman should be this year. Given Todd Helton's noted proclivity for country music -- last season, his song was "Springsteen" by Eric Church, and the year before that, it was the now ironic "My Kinda Party" by Jason Aldean with the line, "Well if you wanna drink/Go on baby, just do your thing/But give up your keys" -- whatever tune he picks, you can bet it will have some twang. Keep reading for our suggestions.
10. "Red Solo Cup" - Toby Keith
Okay, so there's about zero chance of Helton ever picking this one. It's an ode to a crimson colored plastic cup, for chrissakes. Still, considering his vessel of choice is reportedly an Igloo cup, this song is perfect, y'all. Sample lyrics: "Now a red solo cup is the best receptacle for barbecues, tailgates, fairs and festivals/And you, sir, do not have a pair of testicles if you prefer drinking from glass." In the words of Atmosphere, when life gives you lemons, you paint that shit gold.
9. "Alcohol" - Brad Paisley
This one couldn't be any more obvious, really. It explains everything. The devil made me do it -- isn't that the old saying? In this case, though, it wasn't the Old Scratch pulling the strings but rather that demon alcohol. If there were just one word that could help Helton explain away his alleged foibles, that word is alcohol. "I can make anybody pretty/I can make you believe any lie/I can make you pick a fight/With somebody twice your size." Been there. Have a T-shirt. I mean, who among us hasn't tied one on before and done brainless shit of epic proportions that we summarily regretted in the sober light of morning? Uh-huh. Precisely. Alcohol.
8. "Drink in My Hand" - Eric Church
"I got a forty hour week worth of trouble to drown/No need to complicate it/I'm a simple man/All you gotta do is put a drink in my hand." Hear, hear. Again, we can relate -- well, except for perhaps the whole being tanked and driving over a median part, anyway. Regardless, we all know what it's like to want to blow off some steam and forget about our problems, and the best way to do that, at least until the buzz wears off, is to put a drink in your hand. Nothing wrong with that -- so long as you're putting the keys in somebody else's hands next time, that is.