Gathering of the Juggalos: The hunt for the mythical, super secret Juggalo burritos

Daniel Hill and Drew Ailes are covering the annual Gathering of the Juggalos in Cave-in-Rock, Illinois for our sister publication, The Riverfront Times.

Nate "Igor" Smith
Bill Huntsmen, the "burrito guy."

One of the true hardships that we face as a nation is the omnipresent problem of being surrounded by booze and stimulating foods. In the comforts of your own home, you may be able to curb your pizza-roll addiction into having just a civilized cup of tomato soup. At The Gathering of the Juggalos, you face a different world. Out here, it's harder than ever to think of your overall health as it becomes more about shoving as much crap into your body before a spray-painted golf cart driven by a man wearing nothing but overalls crashes into you.

See also: Full coverage of the Gathering of the Juggalos 2013

If you're truly wise, the short-term questions like, "will this product make whiskey and bile shoot out of my nose" will still dart in and out of your conscious, non-reptilian brain. I'm a gluttonous freak when it comes to food. I am the direct descendent of a man who once ate five pounds of lasagna over the course of five hours. So of course, I did what any decent person in my position at a festival for drug-crazed and murderous clowns would do and gorged myself full of fried fat and processed sugar while studying the weird food of others.

Drew Ailes
Chicken on a stick.

We found ribs, fried chicken on a stick, and pork chops. We saw pancakes cooked with Faygo. My companion Daniel mowed down a turkey leg the way we all do -- with enthusiasm before remembering those creepy stringy bones in the middle. I stood looking on, dipping my fried chicken in a mixture of tater tots and gravy that I had engineered like a fat idiot. Later, we tried to strike up a political debate with the counter person at an Anarchist Pretzel/Snow Cone spot before everyone involved decided they were bored.

Drew Ailes
The Stoner Bowl.

We capped off another evening of slamming warm beers and eating weak Jello shots with two helpings of Stoner Bowls. Served in a foam bowl, it was a bunch of french fries, peppers, onions, philly steak meat and cheese on top. Hardly brilliant, it was probably the tastiest thing we ate from the stands. The "Walking Taco" came in second, which is just a bag of Fritos filled a bunch of warm god-knows-what.

See also: Full coverage of the Gathering of the Juggalos 2013

Off the main drag, Juggalos also cooked up burgers and hot dogs on tiny grills, staring at us with incredible apathy when asked if we could take a picture of their home cooked cuisine. "they're just burgers, dawg," remarked a sunburnt kid wearing a matchy-matchy black and red T-shirt with black and red shorts. Another attendee cooked hot dogs, pork chops, and creamed corn in his tent.

Drew Ailes
The "walking taco."

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