Predatory dance floor boners are not okay
Timothy Norris We're not saying this guy is a boner sidler, but his T-shirt illustrates the problem.
Gentleman, this is a public service announcement. We know that things can get hot and sweaty on the dance floor. The atmosphere is festive, the music is peaking and the ladies are looking good. You see one you like, and you want to dance with her. Totally cool. Men and women have been dancing together for thousands of years. It's nature. But there's a right way and a wrong way to go about this, and a lot of you are doing it the wrong way. R. Kelly may have said that there's nothing wrong with a little bump and grind, but you have got to stop putting your boners on us.
See also: The best EDM in Denver this weekend
We're calling this move the boner sidle. Ladies, you know we're talking about, and may have even experienced it. You're dancing in a crowd when you realize that a dude, typically a young shirtless lad wearing lensless novelty glasses, has sidled up behind you and is fixing to dance. Except instead of actually dancing, he just stands there like a sequoia, his laser beam stare penetrating your pants. It's killing your vibe and distracting you from the music. The guy has officially entered your personal space.
At some point the dude makes his move and puts his hands on your hips. In no way did your body language suggest that you wanted him to do this, although it's possible that he's mistaken your enthusiastic shuffling for an open invitation to touch you. (Not the same thing!)
He then takes the liberty of moving in closer and putting his frontside against your backside. You're basically immobilized, and this is when you realize that he's got a boner and is pressing it into your ass. He's not even really dancing; he's just standing there...with his boner on you.
This happens to women all the goddamn time at dance shows, and it's annoying, awkward and gross. We've even heard an anecdotal account of a guy who takes Viagra before going out, specifically to do this.
So what should you do?