Predatory dance floor boners are not okay

Timothy Norris
We're not saying this guy is a boner sidler, but his T-shirt illustrates the problem.

Gentleman, this is a public service announcement. We know that things can get hot and sweaty on the dance floor. The atmosphere is festive, the music is peaking and the ladies are looking good. You see one you like, and you want to dance with her. Totally cool. Men and women have been dancing together for thousands of years. It's nature. But there's a right way and a wrong way to go about this, and a lot of you are doing it the wrong way. R. Kelly may have said that there's nothing wrong with a little bump and grind, but you have got to stop putting your boners on us.

See also: The best EDM in Denver this weekend

We're calling this move the boner sidle. Ladies, you know we're talking about, and may have even experienced it. You're dancing in a crowd when you realize that a dude, typically a young shirtless lad wearing lensless novelty glasses, has sidled up behind you and is fixing to dance. Except instead of actually dancing, he just stands there like a sequoia, his laser beam stare penetrating your pants. It's killing your vibe and distracting you from the music. The guy has officially entered your personal space.

At some point the dude makes his move and puts his hands on your hips. In no way did your body language suggest that you wanted him to do this, although it's possible that he's mistaken your enthusiastic shuffling for an open invitation to touch you. (Not the same thing!)

He then takes the liberty of moving in closer and putting his frontside against your backside. You're basically immobilized, and this is when you realize that he's got a boner and is pressing it into your ass. He's not even really dancing; he's just standing there...with his boner on you.

This happens to women all the goddamn time at dance shows, and it's annoying, awkward and gross. We've even heard an anecdotal account of a guy who takes Viagra before going out, specifically to do this.

So what should you do?

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42 comments
Manda Obsidian
Manda Obsidian

It is NOT acceptable, by either sex. Stop being a drunken, disgusting whore-bot (women and men both) and respect each other's space. Clubs are nothing more than a modern day brothel. There are some that go there just to dance, but the majority go to get drunk and score.

Jeremy Rozman
Jeremy Rozman

Everyone should hump so we can be an equal opportunity society :-) Hahaha

Manda Obsidian
Manda Obsidian

So it's okay if a woman does it, but not a man? How sexist.

Hapa Intrique
Hapa Intrique

Yes, but do the nature of males and females, those advances may be accepted more frequently then visa versa

Hapa Intrique
Hapa Intrique

It doesn't matte what you dress like, or how much of your leg or cleavage is showing. The human body is NOT perverse and one can be completely naked and not be a "whore" as you so eloquently describe females....the real issue is people like you who obviously have no respect for women.

Hapa Intrique
Hapa Intrique

I love it when I'm dancing hard and someone comes up to me, stops me from dancing and screams at me if I want to dance. I say I am dancing...and he screams again if I want to dance with him. I say I was already dancing so you can go ahead and dance to and we'll be dancing together the same time...of course he can't hear me so he just starts to try to take both my hands because this is the beginning of the nonsensical modern "couples" dance which starts with him moving your arms in circles and then just placing his crotch on you...if he actually knew how to do a dance like swing or salsa that would be better but at the same time...it's an electronic music event so it's not really the place for that. So instead of asking to "dance", he should just ask if he can dry hump you.

Manda Obsidian
Manda Obsidian

The author must not see the hordes of drunken, half-dressed slags who, like a pack of rabid wolves pounce on the nearest guy on the dance floor, surrounding him on all sides and treating him like their own personal stripper pole. It goes both ways. And yes, I am a woman.

Steven Låtinø
Steven Låtinø

Stop dressing like fucking whores and maybe it wouldn't be an issue

LindaLee Law
LindaLee Law

Sometimes the 'hyp' is just that or simple fraud - what you see is not what you get so CUT IT OUT.

Christopher Johnston
Christopher Johnston

lol. A little "advertising" never hurt. But, if your junk is tiny, better keep it a mystery.

Kathy Wedzik
Kathy Wedzik

keep your dance-floor boners to yourselves= that would be selfish indeed...

LindaLee Law
LindaLee Law

Why do guys do this and think it is anywhere near what women want? The legal term is Sexual Harassment and there could be an intent to thrown in. It is disgusting, you have a problem and the club needs to throw you out bodily then the women outside can beat the crap out of you. TWO WORDS: YOUR MOTHER, YOUR SISTER, YOUR GF....

LindaLee Law
LindaLee Law

Are we talking about the Majority leader John

steppesmusic
steppesmusic

You might prevent these incidents by not going to shows only douchebags would attend -- just sayin'.

Steven Kropidlowski
Steven Kropidlowski

ugh, guys.... knock it off. even if girls are dressing a certain way. it's called class, respect, and integrity.

Cognitive_Dissident
Cognitive_Dissident topcommenter

"You're throwing off our balance by holding our hips like that, and who said you could touch us anyways."

Hate to break it to you, but you can blame your fellow XX chromosome pals for that. I've seen so many skanks who allow so many men to put their hands on them--even encourage it--that I wouldn't doubt the more aggressive men will assume it's okay to do whatever they can get away with until you tell them "NO!" I pretty much assumed that's what clubs are about, and frankly, didn't spend much time in them until after I was married and my wife wanted to go to clubs (and I'm not sure it changed my opinion.).

Have a talk with the sluts and make it sure they know they're fucking it up for everyone else (personally, these skanks always turned me off.)

Cognitive_Dissident
Cognitive_Dissident topcommenter

It reminds me of something my dad told my sister when she was that age: 

"Don't advertise the goods if you're not selling any, and certainly don't be surprised when someone answers the ad."

We all know you're angling for stock above your pay grade, but eventually they all come down to earth.

FWIW, I'm also conservative in the other regard. I never put my hands (or any other body parts) on a woman without permission. Yes, there's a gray area, but none of it's on the dance floor with a stranger.

Ed Haas
Ed Haas

Tell sweaty, scantily clad EDM girls to stop twerking on my dick and I'll stop getting boners, haha

Ashley Rogers
Ashley Rogers

Whoever wrote that headline is my new favorite person.

Ryan Boswell
Ryan Boswell

Now I want to start a band called Dance Floor Boners.

Fred Kaplan
Fred Kaplan

Another reason for correct fitting briefs and baggy underwear. Men keep it under control, and respectful as if its your sister.

Cognitive_Dissident
Cognitive_Dissident topcommenter

@Hapa Intrique There's no shortage of women on the dance floor who show they're not respectable.

Cognitive_Dissident
Cognitive_Dissident topcommenter

@LindaLee Law That's the problem with false advertising.

Cognitive_Dissident
Cognitive_Dissident topcommenter

Oh, and women, I think you'll find the bouncer will handle this issue for you if anyone touches you without your permission, especially if you already told them to leave you alone.

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