Why Katy Perry's "Roar" sucks

Categories: Shea Anything

In his new column, award-winning goofball Shea Serrano, whose recent exploits include Bun B's Rapper Coloring and Activity Book, writes about his life and times.

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Aaron Thackeray

Katy Perry was born in 1984, except back then people called her "Katy Hudson" because, well, that's her real name. In 2001, she was like, "You know what? I'm gonna release a Christian album," so that's what she did. It flopped. Then she was like, "You know what? God can't take me to the top, bro, but I know what can," and so she changed her name to Katy Perry and swapped out our Lord and Savior for a bra that squirts out whipped cream. She's since sold approximately 10 million albums.

See also: A brief rundown of the bonkers TLC movie

"Roar" comes from her new album, Prism. It's not that great, but since she's not talking about Jesus Christ, it was able to top the charts. Pretty cool world. Here's why it sucks: It sounds like Katy Perry heard "Brave" by Sara Bareilles and really, really liked it a lot, and so she tried to make it herself.

It's not unlike the time one of my sons watched a video of a crocodile eating a deer and was like, "OH FUCK, DADDY! I WANNA BE A CROCODILE!" And so he ran upstairs and two minutes later screamed for me to come and when I got there he was standing all the way naked except for the plastic bag that he had hanging betwixt his butt cheeks. "I'M A CROCODILE," he shouted. "DO YOU SEE MY TAIL?" He wasn't a crocodile and that wasn't a tail. He was a jackass with a Kroger bag wedged into his tiny butt.

"Roar" is basically that: a plastic bag wedged into Katy Perry's butt. That's a little thing called a perfect metaphor. The song is about standing up for yourself, which, I guess, is fine enough. But three pretty dark and nasty things get revealed about her in the video:

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1. Katy Perry is ungrateful

She and a handsome man are in the jungle following a plane crash. The handsome man is boldly leading Katy Perry through the jungle, attempting to find rescue. Katy Perry is, for some reason, not feeling him. So she begins to sing about never arguing or causing any sort of fuss in the relationship.

That's when a tiger springs out and eats the handsome man. Katy Perry is barely shaken at all, as she more or less sings: "HAHAHAHAHA. In your face, bitch. Oh, by the way, I'm standing up for myself now! Because you're dead. Because that tiger just ate you."

Ladies, just a quick tip: If your boyfriend/fiance/husband is doing something you don't like -- watching a dumb TV show or not putting his dirty dishes away or whatever -- you don't have to feed him to an animal. Just be like, "Yo, homie. Can you not do that please?" He'll be like, "Alright, cool." Boom. Relationship fixed, and nobody dies.

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2. Katy Perry isn't that great at hunting

Katy Perry makes friends with a monkey. The monkey's like, "Yo, why don't you use your heel to make a spear," which is pretty goddamn smart, really. She's like, "Good idea." She makes the spear and the monkey is like, "Fuckin' A, bro. We're eating good tonight." Then Katy Perry goes hunting....


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39 comments
rodgersjfr
rodgersjfr

Hey Shea, I thought this was funny, but got 1 complaint.  

If you are gonna write about how a particular song sucks, shouldn't your complaints be about the song, and not the video.  I mean if the article was titled "Why the video for Katy Perry's "Roar" sucks" you nailed it.  But if I've only heard the song, and not seen the video, your complaints about it make no sense.   Why does the actual song suck?


Amy Nicole
Amy Nicole

Omg who cares! Be relevant! Talk about something worthwhile

Doug Hubka
Doug Hubka

Whether you like Katy Perry or not, her program at Lakewood High School was classy and a lot of great fun for the kids. I am sure they will not forget this woman, even if she does suck.

Kelly Lorraine
Kelly Lorraine

One day the hipsters will realize that it has now become even MORE mainstream to HATE mainstream.

Doug Hubka
Doug Hubka

I'm with you Wendy. Westword has been promoting a lot of snarky moron remarks from Facebook. Don't know why

Mus Mus
Mus Mus

Does this chick sing any other song than this?

Sean Milano
Sean Milano

The rantings of a depressed, egomaniacal hipster... aka, comedy. Umm... I'm pretty sure the whole point of Westword IS slacking. The last thing this town needs is more new-age happy horseshit. Keep up the negativity!

Sean Milano
Sean Milano

Dear people below me: you suck even harder than this song.

Emily Banker
Emily Banker

Exactly what I'm thinking. Time to unlike Westword. That was sad...

Jessica Waters
Jessica Waters

Sounds like this article was written by a depressed, egomaniacal hipster who has nothing to do but put negativity into the world. Yikes. Westword, your really slacking recently. Time to unlike.

Louis Lieb
Louis Lieb

Yes it does. The trouble is it's hard to escape--every shop or venue seems to be playing it all the time.

April Dawne
April Dawne

Her music sucks, period. She's hot, that's it.

Cathy Bowen
Cathy Bowen

I was good with this article until I read "then" when it was supposed to be "than"...Then the whole thing was ridiculous and I realized I wasted a whole 2 minutes reading this.

the_write_one
the_write_one

You guys are whiners. Obviously this isn't a fucking majestic piece of writing because it's not meant to be. The article is hilarious because the fact that this song is so fucking popular as just a generic piece of lunchmeat fed to the masses is hilarious. The writer made it comical/not serious at all, and pretty clearly so. Jesus.

mkm18561
mkm18561

.....and yet another horrible blog post that unfortunately made its way to the internet. Man, Westword must be desperate for writers.

Jeff Buske
Jeff Buske

processed music sucks in general - pretty on the outside hardly ever works

Craig Maybell
Craig Maybell

Another idiocy-tinged waste of 60 seconds of my life...oh, wait! It must be another Lamebook DWEEB with faux outrage. Is this a part of some kind of sick, twisted fantasy where you pose as a 15-yr old schoolgirl online? Here, I was led to believe that this was going to be an intelligent critique of an article published by a local alternative news weekly. Instead, what I get is more rambling nonsensical ad hominem that he clearly put very little thought into. BeJeebus!

Bill Hamiter
Bill Hamiter

Okay, so I couldn't log in to leave this comment, so I'll leave it here. Fuck you. Your comments reflect everything that is wrong with critics in general. Let's hear what you've done in the past year, other than masturbate to old Hanson Brothers videos in your mothers basement. Katy Perry wins, you suck. And from now on, every time time you close your eyes, in your cum caked bed of despair you will know, in your filthy little bitch heart, that she will always be better than you and this is as good as it will ever get for you.

Justin Andrew Gatz
Justin Andrew Gatz

I cant help but like the song but thats funny. "fuckin' A bro, were gonna eat good tonight" hahaha

Arturo Acosta III
Arturo Acosta III

so she get no credit whatsever for referencing the jockiest song of all time? i have yet to see the video but from the video stills am i to assume that the tiger is clubber lang?

Michael Apostle
Michael Apostle

And I guess you're saying that my daughters suck too for loving that song and singing it at the top of their lungs while being very happy.

Ryan Hood
Ryan Hood

Another profanity laced waste of 6 minutes of my life... Oh it must be the Westword! Is this a part of some kind of experiment where you let 15 year old high school girls write stories for you? Here I was thinking that this was going to be some well thought out review and argument to why she has "lost touch" or something of that nature. And I got a rambling of nonsensical b/s about a VIDEO that she probably had very little input on. Jesus...

steppesmusic
steppesmusic

Everything about Katy Perry sucks, including every article written about her.

Steve Holmberg
Steve Holmberg

Clearly all of those foolish high school students in Lakewood also have plastic Kroger bags stuffed up their butts, as requested by Good Morning America. Good sheep....bhaaaaaaa!

Flicker
Flicker

Shea's sh*tty writing has turned me off of Westword forever. ugh

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