Why One Direction's "Story Of My Life" sucks

Categories: Shea Anything

In his new column, award-winning goofball Shea Serrano, whose recent exploits include Bun B's Rapper Coloring and Activity Book, writes about his life and times.

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Song: One Direction's "Story Of My Life"

History: A long time ago, there were barber shop quartets, and then after that, the New Kids On The Block, and more recently five UK dudes were like, "We're One Direction" and they were a hit.

Atmospherics: Like the boys are suddenly really into Mumford & Sons. Or like they're starting their own nondenominational church.

See also: Why Katy Perry's "Roar" sucks

Analysis: Let's ignore three things here. Let's ignore:

1. That One Direction has officially entered the stage of their career where they begin to try to leap from Boy Band to Credible Rock Musicians. That's what's going on here. But let's ignore that.

2. That nobody in One Direction can really sing or dance, which should've been more of a problem so far considering THEY ARE A BOY BAND, AND BOY BANDS USUALLY SING AND DANCE.

3. Zayn is uncomfortably handsome. Let's ignore that, too.

That leaves us with only the bones of the track. Did you know that eight people wrote this song? EIGHT. The Declaration of Independence is the greatest document of all time. Do you know how many people it took to write it? One, bro: Patrick fucking Swayze. First, he won that dance contest, then he fixed up the Double Deuce, then he possessed Whoopi Goldberg and made her make out with Demi Moore and then he wrote the Declaration of Independence. That's a little thing called a history lesson, homie.

Whatever.

Lines from the song:


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15 comments
Craig Maybell
Craig Maybell

Like the Bay City Rollers in the 1970s? The more things "change," the more they seem the same. 'Murkah

Miri Ladenburger
Miri Ladenburger

Really deep stuff your reporting on Denver Westword. Anyone over the age of 12 agrees that One Direction "sucks".

Robbie Ratay
Robbie Ratay

Who is one direction and why do westward readers give a flying fuck? Isn't it like tween music?

Michael Beckerman
Michael Beckerman

It's an entirely synthetic, artificial, manufactured, teen boy band. What did you expect?

Robert Tyson
Robert Tyson

boy Howdy Wtf is up with broadcast radio

kiricarlson
kiricarlson

Everyone has a right to their own opinion, according to the Constitution, but I have to admit you've gone WAY past too far. I mean I don't see you in the headlines as someone who's famous or well known. Just because your jealous doesn't mean you should "try" (and try is in quotes because you failed) and bring others down with you into your bottomless pit of resentment. You're just one voice, and I will guarantee you that there a over millions of Directioners who would reprimand you for ever posting this article. So take a bit of advice and re-evaluate your life before you go critiquing others!

ijustneedyounow
ijustneedyounow

I can sort of understand the part where they can't dance...but they can SING! I would also like to point out story of my life was not written by One Direction at all. it was written by Jamie Scott - who's in a band called Graffti6, so don't blame them for lyrics your brain cant handle. One Direction has something special and apparently you need to revaluate your opinion because not everyone is so original. Some people LOVE being unique and appreciate different styles of music. Oh and to quote Thumper, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all".

steppesmusic
steppesmusic

This only reason I clicked on this article was to make sure they weren't covering the Social Distortion song.  Though that would be highly entertaining, now that I think about it.

fabwhitegirl321
fabwhitegirl321

Are you fuking deaf?! Like seriously. You have apparently never listened to any of their music because if you had you would never say they couldn't sing! And good for them for creating their own image and not being puppets dressing the same and dancing to all their songs. Ever think maybe that's why they're so famous and will continue to be? Because they are themselves and they CAN SING!! And who the fuck said they were trying to be like Mumford and sons? I think you made that up because they are very far from it! Check your facts and listen to the music before you start to criticize someone.

vallemelany
vallemelany

Your Just An Ignorant Hater. Have You Even Heard There Music? They Sing Like Angles While I Bet You Sound Like A Dying Whale. So, You Can Go Stick A Cactus Up Your Little Pathetic Ass.

rodgersjfr
rodgersjfr

@vallemelany I believe you meant the word Angels, not Angles.  Angels are celestial beings with halos and wings.  Angles are what you will learn about when you are old enough to take geometry in high school.

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