Why One Direction's "Story Of My Life" sucks
In his new column, award-winning goofball Shea Serrano, whose recent exploits include Bun B's Rapper Coloring and Activity Book, writes about his life and times.
Song: One Direction's "Story Of My Life"
History: A long time ago, there were barber shop quartets, and then after that, the New Kids On The Block, and more recently five UK dudes were like, "We're One Direction" and they were a hit.
Atmospherics: Like the boys are suddenly really into Mumford & Sons. Or like they're starting their own nondenominational church.
See also: Why Katy Perry's "Roar" sucks
Analysis: Let's ignore three things here. Let's ignore:
1. That One Direction has officially entered the stage of their career where they begin to try to leap from Boy Band to Credible Rock Musicians. That's what's going on here. But let's ignore that.
2. That nobody in One Direction can really sing or dance, which should've been more of a problem so far considering THEY ARE A BOY BAND, AND BOY BANDS USUALLY SING AND DANCE.
3. Zayn is uncomfortably handsome. Let's ignore that, too.
That leaves us with only the bones of the track. Did you know that eight people wrote this song? EIGHT. The Declaration of Independence is the greatest document of all time. Do you know how many people it took to write it? One, bro: Patrick fucking Swayze. First, he won that dance contest, then he fixed up the Double Deuce, then he possessed Whoopi Goldberg and made her make out with Demi Moore and then he wrote the Declaration of Independence. That's a little thing called a history lesson, homie.
Lines from the song: