Eminem's "The Monster," featuring Rihanna: Why This Song Sucks

Categories: Shea Anything

In his new column, award-winning goofball Shea Serrano, whose recent exploits include Bun B's Rapper Coloring and Activity Book, writes about his life and times.

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Marco Torres

Song: Eminem's "The Monster," featuring Rihanna

History: Eminem did a freestyle battle. He went up against Papa Doc and choked. It was pretty sad. Then some more sad stuff happened to him. But then he did another freestyle battle and, if you can even believe it, he ended up going against Papa Doc again, and THIS TIME, HE WON BY MAKING PAPA DOC CHOKE. That's a little thing called true justice. After that, Rihanna was like, "Oh, my God, this dude has mad skills. I need to do a song with him." So they did some pretty good songs together. And then they made "The Monster."

See also: R. Kelly's Black Panties, the family-friendly edition with adorable baby animal GIFs

Atmospherics: Kind of like what the teen section at Nordstrom sounds like. Except teens don't shop at Nordstrom, so it's always, like, someone's uncle buying jeans from there. That's what this song sounds like: someone's uncle trying to buy cool jeans from Nordstrom.

Analysis: Snoozefest. I wish there was a more nuanced, more clever way to say that, but every time I try to think of one, my brain jumps clean out of my skull and sprints right the fuck down the street. That's not a metaphor or anything. My brain literally grew these tentacle-like things, and it was splitskis, bro. It's like Krang from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

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YouTube screengrab
Krang

Remember him? He was the grossest. HE WAS A FUCKING LIVING, BREATHING BRAIN LIVING INSIDE OF A ROBOT. Gone.

But look, take "My Name Is," from the Slim Shady LP in 1999, Eminem's first proper album. Em was still interesting and had not been hollowed out yet:

Hi, kids!
Do you like violence?
Wanna see me stick nine inch nails through each one of my eyelids?
Wanna copy me and do exactly like I did?
Try 'cid and get fucked up worse than my life is?

That's clever and fun and acerbic and biting and insightful. I can't immediately think of a better opening salvo from a modern American musician.

Here's how Eminem opens 2013's "The Monster," the 93rd single from his 25th album:

I wanted the fame but not the cover of Newsweek
Oh well, guess beggars can't be choosey

SARAH-PALIN-NEwsweek.jpg
1. Newsweek? Bro, that's the most boring shit of all. Remember when Newsweek put Sarah Palin on the cover in jogging shorts? That was them being divisive. Newsweek is like when they show that movie Nerds on AMC and then AMC zooms all the way the fuck in so you can't see any boobs during the panty raid scene.

2. Did you really just say "Oh well," Eminem? In the first verse of a song called "The Monster"? Because, I mean, there just aren't enough sighs.

3. Did you use the word "choosey," rather than "choosers"? Because everyone knows the expression is "beggars can't be choosers." You can't just make up a new expression to rhyme with Newsweek, which you shouldn't even be talking about in the first place.

Let's continue:



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26 comments
Los C Denver
Los C Denver

DUH the song sucks! This articles about as pointless and obvious as a classic John Madden MNF comment...bleh

Nathan Dant
Nathan Dant

Of course it sucks. Only white trash idiots listen to that garbage.

Joseph Warnick
Joseph Warnick

Eminem sucks. Dude is Pop bullshit pretending to be Hip-Hop.

Mykola Ostrovskyy
Mykola Ostrovskyy

A whole article about why some dude doesn't like a song, who reads this crap

Alison Burton
Alison Burton

This article is as dumb as they claim the song is...

Marco Parada
Marco Parada

This should never had been made by any respected press article, let alone westword. There are things to critique on this new album, and the writer missed almost all valuable points on why mmlp2 won't be bigger than Recovery.

Brendan Flynn
Brendan Flynn

Lol better than most of the crappy pop music that is out today

Sterling Meeks
Sterling Meeks

...as if Cannibal Corpse is supposedly the pinnacle of musical bliss?

Adam Aedro Drotar
Adam Aedro Drotar

Making fun of eminem is like poking a dead dog. He hasn't been considered an actual contender in almost a decade.

Ryan Hood
Ryan Hood

Even saying it was a 'good try' is a reach. But I agree, this article was written by a less evolved creature.

Chris Inzano
Chris Inzano

I was just tellin my lady how his new shit is lame.

Holly Martinez
Holly Martinez

Sorry, Denver Westword. Your material sucks... What happened? It like you started catering to the Squidwards of Denver.

Michael Flynn
Michael Flynn

while i'm not arguing that its the best song on the album cuz its not... but this is coming at em saying he needs somebody to save him and i think thats crazy were literally talking about a person just one, who could decide he wanted to play a show at ANY stadium in the WORLD and have it sell out in hours... your crazy for even suggesting he needs help...

Stephanie Sarad
Stephanie Sarad

woah the author of this article is as articulate as a toddler. Bravo on sounding like a total moron. What's the deal with the Denver Westword hiring such dipshits to write for them. holy crap

Brittany Morgan
Brittany Morgan

This article is REACHING! Good try.. but, not really.

Robbie Ratay
Robbie Ratay

Wtf does the westword know.. y'all are obsessed with hipsters

Ryan Hood
Ryan Hood

Sorry Westword, but this article sucks. It only took me two minutes to realize this was another string of profanity laced nonsense written by a tween with anger issues. Thanks again for wasting my time.

Brendan Flynn
Brendan Flynn

LOL eminem and rihanna suck...not what I would call music

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