What's cooler than snow? Uh, Ice, of course!

Categories: Commentary

Mark Sanders
If you let the fat cats over at Google dictate your taste in cinema, then you may have avoided the 1991 romantic classic Cool as Ice (starring Vanilla Ice) for the past two decades. Most Americans think this film is worthy of but one star, when in reality, Cool as Ice deserves at least three stars.

If you haven't seen this cinematic masterpiece, allow us to recap: It's 1991. Ice is a handsome young musician with a devil-may-care attitude. He flows like a harpoon daily and nightly. He can get with all the ladies he wants. Women are lured in by his fanny pack, which acts as a kind of tractorbeam for hot snatch. So okay, you think he's got everything, right? But there's something missing! What he's missing is love. He's missing real, tender human emotion. And that's what this journey is all about. That and sweet dance moves.

See also: The ten best musical motivational messages from the '80s and '90s

What's missing? His shirt? The car that left skidmarks on his hair? What IS IT?!?!?!

So our man Ice -- whose name in the movie is actually Johnny, but that's not as cool as Ice -- he's blowing through town after town, living the dream. Improbably, he and his crew are on tour on crotch rockets with no sound equipment in sight. But suspend your disbelief -- this is a magical universe, as we shall see. So they're cruising down picturesque country roads, when suddenly Ice spies the foxiest equestrian this side of the Mississippi. Ladies and Gents, meet Kat Winslow, everyone's favorite naughty librarian.

Don't let that innocent look fool you. Pretty soon she'll be chillin' with Ice wearin' less than a bikini.

Ice sees this sweet young thing galloping through a field on a horse, and he thinks, "I've got to make an impression on this lass!" So tries the oldest trick in the book: jumping the fence on his motorcycle so that the horse gets spooked and Kat tumbles asunder, narrowly avoiding a spinal injury. YOUNG LOVE! This "meet cute" scenario pisses Kat off, but you can tell she thinks he's kind of intriguing. After all, he does have "Sex Me Up" brazenly scrawled across his leather jacket.

Ice doesn't go in for subtlety.

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