The nine worst things about Coachella 2014

Categories: Music Festivals

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Timothy Norris
Coachella's first weekend was amazing this year! Except when it wasn't. Here are the parts of the festival that rubbed us the wrong way.

Saturday Night dust storm (above)

Conditions may not have been as bad as they were during last year's Red Hot Chili Peppers set, but Saturday night's dusty conditions were still pretty awful. The winds started picking up when the sun started going down, and by dusk, the sky had turned a coffee-stain brown and festivalgoers were wiping desert residue from their eyeglasses and exposed skin. Dust gets everywhere -- in the cracks of your smartphone, for starters, and then, later, in your scalp, nose and bronchial tubes. It's a disgusting affair and a reminder to bring a handkerchief next time. -Adam Lovinus

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Ben Westhoff
Blow-Up Sex Dolls

The new trend at Coachella this year was blow-up sex dolls. No, seriously, a number of people had them, and were attempting to bat them around the crowd like beach balls, or crowd-surf them. All of the ones we saw were male; some were African-American, and some were Caucasian, like the one above, which got punctured during Neutral Milk Hotel's set before being abandoned. Check out its flaccid sex doll dick. -Ben Westhoff

Meatheads Moshing During the Pixies

We're not against mosh pits by any means. That said, there's a time and place for ramming your sweaty, shirtless beer belly into other people, and during the Pixies set in an overcrowded tent isn't it. But that's what a handful of burley dudes did Saturdaynight during every single song -- even the acoustic ones. The crowd around them wasn't into their toes being trampled or getting elbows to the face, but the bros didn't let that get in the way of their good time. Save it for Mötorhead, dudes. -Taylor Hamby

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Timothy Norris

Friendly People

Hey person I don't know who's talking to me, a propos of nothing! Super glad that you feel like reaching out to tell me you like my shoes, or my hat, or just my general vibe, but it kinda sorta completely doesn't count if you're only talking to me because you're on molly. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to get to know you and learn what you're all about, but let's do it over an iced coffee sometime after you've had a bunch of 5-HTP. -Ben Westhoff

The Couple Having Shameless, Intense Sex By the Media Tent

Coachella already has plenty of dry-humping, but you don't often witness folks having actual sex right out in the open. But these folks on Saturday night had absolutely no shame, they weren't just grinding -- they were putting on a straight up raunchy sex show for all to see. Since there was a sign for the press tent right beside them, they were clearly hoping to make the news, so we suppose they win in the end. But still, gross. -Mary Carreon



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22 comments
Calvin Smith
Calvin Smith

Max this guy literally complains about friendly people. get out of here.

Stan Salazar
Stan Salazar

So it's ok to strike up a chat while high but not while on MDMA... Righttttt

Arturo Acosta III
Arturo Acosta III

in reading this article I read between the lines. what you were really saying is 'its not horrible that i get paid to fly to cool music festivals and in turn write about it'.

Tyler Hawkins
Tyler Hawkins

wtf are you talking about? That dust storm was AWESOME

Travis Dykers
Travis Dykers

This guy was cranky... pffft. I like nice people and wtf is an aggro bro? Maybe he should eat some molly and re-write this column.

Kyle B. Shepherd
Kyle B. Shepherd

I thought Coachella was the worst thing about Coachella?

Anna Gingher
Anna Gingher

A lot of pics I'm seeing are of the crowd looking totally unamused. Seriously hipsters if you aren't even going to enjoy it then don't go and save some space for those of us who appreciate what Coachella originally was for

Rob Jennings
Rob Jennings

Neutral Milk Hotel is introverted and requests no photos? Maybe they should have stayed home rather than playing Coachella.

Christy Articola
Christy Articola

I think this fest is lame but moshing to the pixies is honestly pretty awesome. I am sure they are quite proud in their old age that they can still inspire crowd surfing and the like. I remember moshing to the pixies circa 1991 and have fond memories of that era of my youth.

Michael Rydel
Michael Rydel

Coachella is for wannabe trendy Douchebags. It hasn't been cool for over 10+yr now. "Who is playing this year?" Never heard of those 65+ bands, Oh ya i know who the pixies were.. With 2 big name Dj's and maybe 3 Big time bands, rest is "America got talent" failed contestants. Back when it started the entire line-up were huge artist. Not worth the thousands spent to go. Id rather go to a small venue and see real artist.

Elizabeth Moore
Elizabeth Moore

If dust storms and blow up dolls are highly ranked, you guys would die at real festivals and events not brought to you by the funding of large businesses and corperations. Lol. Geez.

Ben Beeby
Ben Beeby

Id say the worst thing is all of the coverage. I think I am going to have to eliminate some redundant FB likes.

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