Candles as band merch: An in-depth, intensive look with GG Allin and Mumford and Sons

Categories: Commentary

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Perhaps you have noticed increasingly ridiculous merch options on your favorite band's web site. In addition to the T-shirts, hoodies, posters, and brass boat necklaces (?) found in their online merch section, for example, Sigur Ros once introduced their "Vardeldur candle" for the princely sum of $23.50. The site described its scent thusly:

The smoky, slightly briny smell of a flotsam campfire on a distant black beach under a wan midnight sun. And, most recently, the smell of Sigur Ros's studio, while they go about the quasi-mystical business of making the magic happen. Specially developed to the band's olfactory specifications, this candle burns for 35 evocative hours of "instant Iceland, or something like that.

Much to our delight, upon perusing the merch sections of a few other artists' websites we discovered that they, too, had candles for sale.

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The earthy, chocolatey smell of Ex-Lax-extracted diarrhea combined with the complex metallic-ammonia aroma of a blood-urine-and-jizz-soaked leather jockstrap. Specially formulated to approximate the seductive scent that would greet your nose should you unearth and pry open the casket that houses GG's putrefied remains, this candle burns until someone grabs it in a panic and hurls it out the window while dry-heaving--or about fourteen seconds.

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Pure Depression-era heartland nostalgia! The chalky-sulfur scent of gunpowder after you've shot the family's beloved golden retriever to provide your 12 children with the last shred of food that exists on your barren dustbowl farm blends with the molasses-like smell of smoldering maple from the heap of mandolins you've set ablaze to keep warm. Burns so long, you'll never go back to electricity.

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Sandalwood, cinnamon, lavender, cantaloupe, cat food, kerosene, toothpaste, pork belly, the inside of a tennis ball can, and more ... this unique and spellbinding 112-layered candle delivers a new scent every time you light it! (This candle is not yet available, but we expect it in any day now.)

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3 comments
John Dalby
John Dalby

I, and many of my friends have done so (Munly & the Lee Lewis Harlots). We are a curious bunch, thou. And GG Allin is dead. I'm not gonna buy a dead guy candle, FYI...

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