Six awful songs with incredible intros

Categories: Nitpick Six

rhcprhcp.jpg
Yeah, they're gonna make this list.
Some people just know how to hook you, right? Say you're browsing an online dating profile and someone catches your eye. Witty one-liners, cute smirks, maybe something cryptic like a tattoo of Josef Stalin eating a hot dog. Their linked Tumblr page shows they have an active interest in occult medicine and deep-sea creatures. Whatever weird, dumb thing you're into on the Internet, they've got it. They've seemingly got the total package.

So you go and meet them at your favorite gastropub, and as you're sipping a glass of some crap with fernet in it, it dawns on you: This person doesn't seem that cool. How can this be? How could you have been snowed so easily based on a first impression?

It's the same, sometimes, with music. The following songs all have brilliant introductions but quickly go on to suck out loud. Listen and wince as the pangs of regret throb in your ears.

6. Red Hot Chili Peppers - "Under the Bridge"

The Red Hot Chili Peppers, who should've been forgotten and filed away as a Big Boys rip-off in their early years, managed to spawn one gem in their entire catalog of terribleness: the first 28 seconds of this song. Then, the appearance of Anthony Kiedis' hairless body marks the end of one of the most beautiful introductions in modern music and the beginning of one of the most horrendous, boring, saccharine songs ever written, re-enforcing the fact that Generation X is comprised of clueless twits.

If "Under the Bridge" was a one-night stand, you would never call it back after it obsessively texted you to retrieve the poetry "accidentally" left under your bed. Curiously, all of the produce in your refrigerator would start growing soul patches.

5. Arctic Monkeys - "A Certain Romance"

The more I write, the less I read the comments on my articles. And although it's probably a mistake to admit this, I'll say I was affected by two of them. The first was on my article about bigoted musicians where it was theorized that I was an apologist relative of legendary Fox News dickhead,Roger Ailes (sorry, no relation). The second comment stated that I was obviously a huge fan of Arctic Monkeys. To be certain the latter was dead wrong, I listened to them. And it was bad. The good thing that came out of it, however, was that I was inspired to compile this list.

If you clicked the link, then you've noticed the song completely pukes all over itself right as things start to get hot and heavy. However, like me, you were probably fooled into giving it a chance by the alluring pound of the drums and repetitive guitar as it builds to a loud, dirty riff.

If you think this is an isolated incident, think again. Arctic Monkeys nose-dive into a pit of steaming garbage over and over again. The cringe-worthily titled "I Bet You Look Good on the Dance Floor" and "The View From the Afternoon" also both begin with decent, striking intros before deteriorating into watered-down, flimsy tripe. Pathetic.

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107 comments
Bradford Ashington
Bradford Ashington

1. i am not an obama worshipper 2. ur "jokes" are clearly lame, fuck nuts 3. u fail miserable....on the Interwebz and in life.....just kill urself already

Bradford Ashington
Bradford Ashington

RHCP: shitty pop-funk rock that appealed to suburban white teens and young adults that was also safe for their parents GnR: even shittier hair metal for coked-up white trash

Azentrius
Azentrius

This is a lame attempt at trolling, as if someone wanted to put something negative about the only RHCP song everyone likes on the internet, ran out of smarm, clicked randomly around youtube until landing on a metal song (Incidentally, most of SFU's discog sounds like that, but he doesn't appear to realize)... Then finishes up with a Devo tune that doesn't even follow the article?? Hard as it was to finish this, that limp dick anticlimax is unacceptable. Obviously he doesn't read his own comments anymore because they haven't gotten any better, but that's everybody else's misappreciaton of his art I suppose, not because he's ignorant of how much he really sucks?

Bryan Harrold
Bryan Harrold

Stick to writing ads for hand jobs in the back of your magazine...

sballardo672
sballardo672

dumbest article ever.  westword has gone to crap.  quit hiring hipsters to write about music.  Stopped reading after RHCP dis. 

sballardo672
sballardo672

Let me guess, another flippin hipster writing about 20 year old music.  Please, Under the Bridge is and was a great song written about someones addiction to heroin.  After reading the first entry I decided the rest of the article was going to be stupid.  based on the other comments, I see I was correct.

Shawn Van Horn
Shawn Van Horn

Worst article I've read out of Denver Westword EVER!!!! You, my dear writer are completely ridiculous. I'm actually just sorry that your taste in music is that misguided.

Jeff Martin
Jeff Martin

Westword has totally gone to shit. Your rag is a fucking joke anymore. Bring back the heyday of the 90s. Can't believe this piece of shit is still distributed and can actually sell ads.

Ryan Dearth
Ryan Dearth

Well, stupid inflammatory articles with no basis in reality will definitely get you your hits....hope that's working out for you, westword.

Amanda Goffena
Amanda Goffena

Seriously?? I stopped reading as soon as you ripped on the RHCP. god, Westword sucks now.

Shawn Lee Minor
Shawn Lee Minor

Thought you'd get a better response posting it the second time around? Wrong.

Sean M. Chase
Sean M. Chase

You need to hire writers and cultural critics who actually know about writing and culture.

Colin Shimkovitz
Colin Shimkovitz

Under the bridge? That song is amazing. You managed to lose all credibility with your first choice. You guys need a music writer that actually knows who played red rocks last night ?

Susan Donlan Roy
Susan Donlan Roy

Let me start with a positive list. Six GREAT songs with incredible intro: (Not saying they are everyone's favorites, but they're fun) 1. No Quarter - Led Zeppelin 2. Three Little Birds - Bob Marley 3. Valley of the Jig - String Cheese 4. Stayin' Alive - BeeGees (who doesn't laugh and tap their foot to this one?) 5. 6.

AdamJohnson
AdamJohnson

I think this dude just has a shitty taste in music, this bigot probably hasn't played an instrument in his life, yet he insults artists. Find another job because your an awfully boring writer,

Esteban Mainzer
Esteban Mainzer

leave it to an obama worshiper not to be able to take a joke and act like a tough guy from the safety of an internet connection.

Bradford Ashington
Bradford Ashington

uh huh....leave it to some impotent, miserable social media wing nut to inject politics where it is not the least bit called for

Bradford Ashington
Bradford Ashington

nope...it's their shitty arrangements and downright cringe-inducing vocals that makes them suck

Ronnie Galang
Ronnie Galang

Feel free to agree with the author's elitist tone in his article. And, to your point, most bands become more irrelevant as time goes on, but that doesn't diminish their cultural impact at their peak. I'm not gonna vouch for Stevie Wonder's "I Just Called to Say I Love You," but know he earned his respect with Songs in the Key of Life or Talking Book. Same goes for RHCP's Mothers Milk or GnR's Appetite for Destruction.

Bradford Ashington
Bradford Ashington

i certainly did....those bandssucked then; suck even worse today

Ivy Lindsey
Ivy Lindsey

Why do you post your piece of shit articles twice, Westword?

Jonathan Howison
Jonathan Howison

This article lost all credibility once it started with "Under the Bridge"...

Dave Cleland
Dave Cleland

The guy who wrote this is the twit. What a pretentious douche.

Bryan Moberg
Bryan Moberg

While I agree with most of the choices, this is a terribly written article

Elizabeth Parker
Elizabeth Parker

I'll come to the defence of the Arctic Monkeys here - I think a lot of their (Yorkshire) humour, not to mention (in this song and video) painfully accurate observations of UK-based chavs, doesn't always translate well to non-UK audiencies. As a (half-Yorkshire) English bird I enjoy their music and the occasional chuckle their lyrics elicit - any tune which contains the words "He's a scumbag, don't you know" wins with me. xx

Wayne Brown
Wayne Brown

Why did you post this again? Gotta be a fake post.

Ted Nordheimer
Ted Nordheimer

There's too much wrong here to mention . Does Under the Bridge even have an intro musically speaking vis a vis songs like Hooked on a Feeling?

Jessica Busby
Jessica Busby

I am mad that I read the whole stupid article! But it is true about Under The Bridge.

Joe Honsberger
Joe Honsberger

You forgot the Incubus catalogue. And you're wrong about everything else.

Jason Baer
Jason Baer

Sick of your bullshit westword, too many shitty articles that no one gives a damn about. See ya I'm done

Esteban Mainzer
Esteban Mainzer

kind of like obama. great into, then all downhill from there.

Irene Reeves
Irene Reeves

Don't be angry at this "writer". It's painfully obvious that they have no ear for talented musicians who breathe life into music and touch lives with their songs. I actually feel sorry for the kid. Smh #lostgeneration

Jo Se Ph
Jo Se Ph

Ehhhh this article is just a biased opinion nothing more. This D-bag also has an article about how listening to metal guarantees you living in your parents basement all your life. Now metal isn't my favorite genre but I at least have a respect for it and it's fans. I'm curious now as to whether or not Westword pays for these articles? I'm gonna check their website and see if I can get a job! Sign me up !! haha Literally anyone can write a biased article and throw some big words in it.

Mike Skeel
Mike Skeel

Yet another fucking fail of an article, under the bridge isnt a good song? And six feet under? Jesus what a damn joke

Ricky McMann
Ricky McMann

Why would you post this AGAIN?! stupid fucks

Miri Ladenburger
Miri Ladenburger

Also, Gun's and Roses a bunch of clowns? Omg I hate you.

Miri Ladenburger
Miri Ladenburger

Under the Bridge? Probably one of the best songs of all time! Also Anthony is epic in that video! Who the fuck wrote this article and what makes your pathetic opinion on music article worthy? Ugh. You suck.

Ronnie Galang
Ronnie Galang

Dissing RHCP and GnR...guessing you didn't grow up in the 80s or early 90s?

sballardo672
sballardo672

seejohnedrum has a good point, Bradford.  You post a burning flag and you're kinda asking for it. 

seejohnedrum
seejohnedrum

You have a burning US flag as your identity.  You are politics.


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