Six ways for degenerates to celebrate the 4th of July

Categories: Nitpick Six

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Dave Watt

Every red-blooded American with the day off will agree: the 4th of July is one of our nation's finest holidays. While the historic significance is a no-brainer for our country, more importantly, it's a day of excess and celebration as we're expected to dutifully cram grilled meat and cheap beer into our already-bloated bodies. Then we set off explosives.
But what about those of us loser artists who live free and die on a daily basis -- staying up late, getting trashed, watching bands play local dumps, and firing bottle rockets at our friends even during the dead of January? How do you celebrate a holiday where the encouraged activities are already incorporated into your regular routines of mayhem?
We've got you covered, you mutant. Here's six ways for a degenerate like you to celebrate the 4th of July.

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Dave Watt

6. Shoot Off More Fireworks

Even though the possibility of turning your hand into a busted-up flesh piƱata is a well-established and serious danger, we must come to terms with the sizzling hot fact: blowing things up is awesome. And blowing things up that turn different colors is even better. So even though you let some M80s off in some dork's kitchen during some lame '80s party last weekend, take advantage of the booming blasts at your neighbor's house and light off some dangerous crap of your own. It's the freak way to relax as for once, what you're doing is okay.

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Dave Watt

5. Crash a 4th of July Party Dressed As Gallagher

Most 4th of July parties are boring. Eat some potato salad, gnaw on some ribs, maybe get stung by a wasp. The party I've selected to go to is titled "The Griller in Me is the Griller in You" -- even with that brilliant name, I'm anticipating a bunch of people nodding their heads in agreement and smiling awkwardly before ducking out to get to bed by 10PM. But it doesn't have to be that way. You know there's going to be a watermelon there, so put on a long hair/bald cap, strap on your rainbow suspenders, and grab your Sledge-O-Matic to pay tribute to deranged fruit-smashing comedian, Gallagher. And if you don't want to do it for him, do it for Metallagher - the only Metallica cover band fronted by a Gallagher impersonator.

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Dave Watt

4. Do Nothing

Celebrate your status as a worthless freeloader that contributes little aside from helping to decay the moral fabric of society. For the 4th of July, just sit on a couch and rot. Maybe eat some chips. Who cares. Just do nothing.


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16 comments
Aaron Davidson
Aaron Davidson

Why so mad? Government cutting your welfare payments?

Bradford Ashington
Bradford Ashington

" Be glad you live in a country free enough where you can go on Facebook and post pictures of your nation's flag burning on the ground while calling people who pay taxes to support you a "mindless automaton."" nope....i can do this in other countries as well....the US of A is hardly alone in that regard, mate. "Oh, and if you think smoking weed to a picture of 9/11 is "cool,"" butthurt much? it's not about being "cool," dip shit. it's demolishing so-called "sacred cows" that the vast majority of imbeciles in here take way too seriously. besides, you aren't the only one who pays taxes here so u can cease patting urself on the back and instead, go phuk urself, phag boy.

Doug Finley
Doug Finley

So disrespectful and disgusting I can't even find words!! That you would put this up says everything, as a big company (and you are) you are a sell out! You may say this post shows freedom of speech and that you support such but you miss the point of the 4th, that being you the right to show dissent. The 4th is about remembering those that gave all for that right and should be given due respect.. Shame on you!

Aaron Davidson
Aaron Davidson

Oh, and if you think smoking weed to a picture of 9/11 is "cool," then you're just a clueless fucking dick (anyone wondering what I'm talking about can check out his page). I've been trying really hard to be nicer on Facebook, but you need to get a clue. Stop watching Cartoon Network and read a book.

Aaron Davidson
Aaron Davidson

Be glad you live in a country free enough where you can go on Facebook and post pictures of your nation's flag burning on the ground while calling people who pay taxes to support you a "mindless automaton." I have problems with every presidential administration and Congress, but if you think smoking weed makes you some kind of "rebel," you're wrong.

Jay Cismaru
Jay Cismaru

It does not matter who's in power you are in charge of yourself a guy flipping off is just a loser

Spin LeBlanc
Spin LeBlanc

And here I was hoping for some real events to look forward to... boring.

Aaron Davidson
Aaron Davidson

Flipping off...what, exactly? The very notion of freedom? The men and women who died to provide you with and protect your rights? Classy.

Mark J Pastika
Mark J Pastika

the post should read..."6 liberal ways to celebrate Independence Day"

Matthew Nelson
Matthew Nelson

i'm going to start referring to getting arrested as "a show of true freedom"

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