Here's what happened when I chaperoned a middle-school Valentine's dance last week

Categories: Shea Anything

In his weekly column, award-winning goofball Shea Serrano, whose recent exploits include Bun B's Rapper Coloring and Activity Book, writes about his life and times.

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Jose Kevo / Flickr

3:20 p.m.: Today I am chaperoning our school's Valentine's Day dance. A line of about 100 kids is already waiting to get into the cafeteria, which is where we hold all of our school's dances. In the movies, there's always, like, a decorations committee or whatever worrying that everything's not going to be finished in time for the dance and it will be ruined. That's not how it works in real life. You know who the decorating committee is at a middle school in real life? Four janitors. Do you know how they decorate? They move all of the tables out of the way. Malibooyah. The dance is ready, and the kids go goddamn nuts for it. That's a little thing called being efficient.

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Things that need to happen at my funeral

Categories: Shea Anything

In his weekly column, award-winning goofball Shea Serrano, whose recent exploits include Bun B's Rapper Coloring and Activity Book, writes about his life and times.

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Flickr/Javier Lopez Zavala

Earlier this week, I went to the funeral of a person that I cared about. While I am of course happy that he will get to spend the rest of eternity in Heaven with the woman that he loved (who was there waiting for him), I am sad for myself and for my family because he is someone we all cared about deeply. This is not a remembrance post, though. My wife, this particular man's granddaughter, wrote one far better than I could ever hope to do. This, my true best friends, is a blueprint.

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These are the songs they play at a kid's Saturday afternoon, roller-skating rink birthday party

Categories: Shea Anything

In his weekly column, award-winning goofball Shea Serrano, whose recent exploits include Bun B's Rapper Coloring and Activity Book, writes about his life and times.

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Flickr/Great Beyond

Among many other things, my twin six-year-olds sons think I am Manu Ginobili when the Spurs play basketball on TV, the model for the Georges St-Pierre action figure, which we gave my wife for Christmas one year; Paco from Bloodsport, and the guy inside the blue Power Ranger costume. They think all of these things because I told them all of these things, because when you're a dad you can just lie about shit and your kids will believe you.

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Here's what happens when a kid has a talk with God, as the divine Stevie Wonder once put it

Categories: Shea Anything

In his new column, award-winning goofball Shea Serrano, whose recent exploits include Bun B's Rapper Coloring and Activity Book, writes about his life and times.

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Image at flick/Waiting For The World. Illustration by Shea

Monday evening after school, word began floating around that another blast was heading our way, that it was likely to handicap everything and everyone again. So we waited for an announcement from the school district that they were going to close again, and we did so fully expecting to have to wait until 5 a.m. the morning of to finally hear, which is how it happened on Friday.

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Here's what happens when you give kids markers and ask them to draw hip-hop legends

Categories: Shea Anything

In his new column, award-winning goofball Shea Serrano, whose recent exploits include Bun B's Rapper Coloring and Activity Book, writes about his life and times.

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El Ninos Serrano
Drake or Mr. Bean? No real way to be sure.

I am working on a new book. I cannot say too much about it yet, other than it's with the same company that published Bun B's Rap Coloring And Activity Book, it will be a real actual book with real actual words, and illustrations and charts and stickers and all sorts of other neat stuffs, and I have until November to finish it, which means that every day until then I will be overcome with infinity pressure, which means that sometime around July I'll place my head in an oven and never be heard from again.

See also: Pitbull's "Timber," featuring Ke$ha: Why this video sucks

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Pitbull's "Timber," featuring Ke$ha: Why this video sucks

Categories: Shea Anything

In his new column, award-winning goofball Shea Serrano, whose recent exploits include Bun B's Rapper Coloring and Activity Book, writes about his life and times.

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Right now, Pitbull's "Timber," featuring Ke$ha, is number two on Billboard and number one on my GTFOH chart. I don't remember the first time I heard -- it seems like I've heard it every day since I was twelve years old -- but I do remember when I decided I hated it (the first time I heard it). Nonetheless, I decided to watch the video, hoping it would change how I felt about the song, or at least make it less likely that when it came on the radio I'd drive my car off a cliff. Alas, that did not happen.

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Now that 2013's in the books, a wishlist for 2014: A full-on OutKast reunion and no more J. Cole

Categories: Shea Anything

In his new column, award-winning goofball Shea Serrano, whose recent exploits include Bun B's Rapper Coloring and Activity Book, writes about his life and times.

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Jason Stoff
Ah, yes, is that a full OutKast reunion I see on the horizon?

Oh, man, 2013, so you're officially over. That's kind of sad. You were mostly a very dope year -- at least for me, anyway, and truth be told, that's all I really care about, because I am selfish, and I guess I'm sorry about that. I'll try to be more empathetic in 2014. (The 2014 Empathy Campaign will be largely unsuccessful; of this I am sure.)

See also: A Kanye West Quiz with funny illustrated clues!

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A Kanye West Quiz with funny illustrated clues!

Categories: Shea Anything

In his new column, award-winning goofball Shea Serrano, whose recent exploits include Bun B's Rapper Coloring and Activity Book, writes about his life and times.

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All illustrations by me. I'm Shea.

This game is very simple: Look at the pictures and guess what Kanye West song each one represents. Boom. That's it. That's all. You're done. That's a little thing called respecting your time. That's a little thing called sometimes Christopher Nolan works a little too hard. I'm saying, because I watched Inception on TNT the other day, and I had no idea what the fuck was going on. I spent the whole movie making the same face that you make when you can't remember what you changed your email password to. Fuck you, password. Click the link underneath each picture to get the answer. Kanye may be insufferable, but he's also the tits.

See also: Eminem's "The Monster," featuring Rihanna: Why This Song Sucks

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Eminem's "The Monster," featuring Rihanna: Why This Song Sucks

Categories: Shea Anything

In his new column, award-winning goofball Shea Serrano, whose recent exploits include Bun B's Rapper Coloring and Activity Book, writes about his life and times.

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Marco Torres

Song: Eminem's "The Monster," featuring Rihanna

History: Eminem did a freestyle battle. He went up against Papa Doc and choked. It was pretty sad. Then some more sad stuff happened to him. But then he did another freestyle battle and, if you can even believe it, he ended up going against Papa Doc again, and THIS TIME, HE WON BY MAKING PAPA DOC CHOKE. That's a little thing called true justice. After that, Rihanna was like, "Oh, my God, this dude has mad skills. I need to do a song with him." So they did some pretty good songs together. And then they made "The Monster."

See also: R. Kelly's Black Panties, the family-friendly edition with adorable baby animal GIFs

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R. Kelly's Black Panties, the family-friendly edition with adorable baby animal GIFs

In his new column, award-winning goofball Shea Serrano, whose recent exploits include Bun B's Rapper Coloring and Activity Book, writes about his life and times.

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Here's what you need to know about Robert Sylvester Kelly: He's the fucking best. At singing. At wearing masks. At making videos of himself having sex. All of it. And so of course his new album, Black Panties, does amazing things. There's one part where he says he wants to make crazy faces in the mirror just because it's fun, and on a different part, he says he's going to marry a pussy because it's an extra special pussy. Originally, the plan here was to give you a rundown Black Panties using GIFs that captured each song's essence. But that would have required using anime pornography, which didn't seem appropriate. So instead: ADORABLE BABY ANIMAL GIFs!

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