Imagine, if you will, a thugged out, South African version of Vanilla Ice with a hard-on for drum-and-bass inspired beats. Now imagine that he has friends that all look like they escaped from a freak show and/or a David Lynch movie. Now stop imagining, because that shit is real and it is Die Antwoord.
Of the many, many videos we have featured here at Freaky Friday, we believe this may be the actual freakiest. Seriously, it's a little disturbing, and not just because it sounds like that dude from District 9 speed-rapping nonsense about being a ninja. Actually, that's the easiest to swallow thing about this whole, bizarre mess. And it's worth noting that the goofy looking gent you see here is, by far, the most normal looking person in this video.
We really don't know what else to say, but word of warning: if you have nightmares about this shit afterward, don't say we didn't warn you...
Do you like horses? Sure, we all do. One might even go so far as to say horses are amazing. That's what this song claims. And in making that claim, it generates so much awesome we had to offer you not one, but two versions of it -- at no extra cost, we might add. The original song is from Weebl's Stuff and if, like us, you spend far, far too much time online, you probably recognize the name as the perpetrator of ridiculous songs and flash videos about badgers, narwhals and other things.
This song might be their best ever. It's catchy, dirty and you learn a little bit about astrophysics -- that's a win in our book. The cover version is a slightly more rockified (the original is kind of dance pop) take on the tune by the Italian band Nerd Follia with a live action video. And fair warning, the original version is NSFW, for reasons of cartoon wang. The cover is probably safe, unless you work in the Focus on the Family offices or something. And to reiterate, they are both hilarious and so wrong they are right. One last warning: unless your work is tolerant of cartoon penis do NOT go past the first video to page 2.
Today's video freakshow is framed as an appeal to superstar producer Timbaland. The young man who made the video is a Ukrainian singer-songwriter and a fan of Timba's. He's looking for a little help to become "as popular as Britney Spears," as he explains in his halting English, and he's written a song that he's sure will catch Timba's ear and convince him to help make his dream come true.
Is it a joke? Maybe, but the guy is incredibly deadpan if it is -- maybe we just don't get the Ukrainian sense of humor. It is a funny song regardless of intent. And we're sure with Timabland behind it ... it would still tank on the radio. Because despite the name "Broken Heart," this is not your typical saccharine, sad-bastard singer-songwriter bullshit and the method he opts for to forget his broken heart is not exactly radio friendly. But he does offer one piece of advice all singer-songwriters (and everyone else) can benefit from before he launches into the song -- use reverb, because without reverb, "all songs sound like shit."
Peanut butter and chocolate. Gin and tonic. Rock and roll. Some things are just mean to go together. But Star Trek and Lord of the Rings? Not so much, outside of particularly horrible fan fiction. And, apparently, this ill-fated late '60s trainwreck of a novelty folk song where none other than Mr. Spock sings us a story of the little hobbits while cute mod girls shimmy in the background.
Folks, if anyone ever tells that today's celebutard habit of doing anything to get attention, no matter how stupid and ill-conceived is somehow worse than the past, you can tell them they're wrong and cite this video as evidence. As dumb as So You Think You Can Dance is, is it really any stupider than recording and releasing this song? I don't think so. But you can judge for yourself, after you've watched the video, embedded for you after the break.
PeopleofWalmart.com. You knew it had to happen sooner or later. Haven't been there yet? It's truly fascinating. Got a few hours to kill? Feel free to head on over there and see what you're missing. It's the freakiest freakshow this side of Coldfax. Don't have that kind of time? No worries. Local MC J Dirty's got the cliff notes for you, raps it all up real nicely for you in a Sports Center-like package. Take a gander. It's a Freaky Friday double shot.
This week's Freaky Friday video most likely earns the nod as "Worst Song Ever from a composer who's capable of great things." John Carpenter is not only an excellent director (among others, see The Thing, Halloween, Escape from New York, They Live and, naturally, Big Trouble in Little China), he's also composed the music for many of his films and done a fine job of it. The iconic theme from Halloween alone earns him a spot in the hall of fame.
But when it comes to the rock and roll ... not so much. This song is exhibit A (and B and C...) in the argument that Carpenter should stick to film music and leave the songwriting to others. It's cliched, leaden and ridiculous and it plays out like a serious of '80s cliches strung together by a drunken monkey let loose in a recording studio.
And the video? The same. Cheesy effects, bad "band in the studio" setting and a series of clips that manage to make Big Trouble in Little China, one of the finest movies of all time, look positively silly. Boo on that. Have a look for yourself after the jump.
Welcome to the final Freaky Friday of 2009. And yes, we know it isn't even close to Friday, but like all of you, we will be far too busy nursing a wicked hangover Friday to come anywhere near a computer. That being the case, we couldn't resist bringing you this final bit of freakiness a few days early.
We don't have a song title or "artist" name for you on this one. It's just a completely wacko song from what appears to be some fringe religious cult, broadcast on public access TV sometime in the '80s (I'm guessing) and recorded for posterity on a VHS tape, complete with funky tracking artifact in the middle that actually enhances the song a bit.
You can learn the craziest things on the Internet. Like that the Russian Navy has a crack squad of old guys that cover Beatles tunes. Or half-learn, I guess, because I am not at all sure that any of that is true. But I am sure that today's video is of a bunch of old guys dressed in sailor suits singing a mangled version of "Let It Be" in thick, Slavic sounding accents. But I'm going to believe that it's what I said, that the Russian Navy keeps a squad of grizzled, old warhorses around to sing barely-recognizable versions of Western pop songs as a morale-building exercise, because that idea makes me happy. I wonder though, if the Russian Navy is going to sing Beatles songs, shouldn't they have picked something off Yellow Submarine? Just sayin'... In any case, you can see for yourself after the jump.
Awkward, fumbling celebrity rap is a very special category of Freaky Friday, and it's been a while since we featured one (Mr. T's "Treat Your Mother Right," August 28). That's why we're extra excited to bring you today's offering, which has the added bonus of being seasonal. How awesome is that? It's a rapped version of the "Night before Christmas" by noted hip-hop superstar Kathie Lee Gifford, and it is every bit as fucked up and stupid as you'd think it would be. Kathie Lee has a Christmas album available (pictured). Wonder if this made the cut?
Today's piece of sublime strangeness is an artifact from the early '90s hip-hop scene. It's a gritty tale of urban blight that features a chorus of demonic children taunting one of their fellows, a super-sweet overalls-and-sweater outfit on the rapper and a woman who plays the part of a crackhead with a scary degree of verisimilitude. Musically, it's minimal 808 and Casio synth repeating a few bars over and over. Lyrically it's mind-bogglingly goofy and, at the same time, a bit disturbing. Visually, it's your basic $50 budget, dude with a camcorder opus. In sum, it is pretty special. Thanks to CacheFlowe for the tip on this one.
It's Black Friday, the day we all emerge from our turkey coma and indulge in an orgy of consumerism. That's why it felt appropriate to dig out this vintage gem from Richard O'Brien's Shock Treatment, the little-know follow-up to the infamous Rocky Horror Picture Show. There was something in the terms of endearment directed to toasters and microwave ovens in this clip that just screamed "Freaky Friday Black Friday Edition!" at me, so I am screaming it back at you. Or, really, just embedding the clip for you after the break, like I always do. Happy Black/Freaky Friday, and I hope you don't get trampled by any mobs of frenzied shoppers as you try to buy that $35 MP3 player you saw advertised online... (Thanks to Mr. Cargo for tipping me off to this)
There's nothing wrong with white people doing hip-hop -- if it was ever in question, I think Eminem proved that. And there's certainly nothing wrong with rappers loving Jesus. I mean, how many hip-hop albums don't thank the Christ, his dad, or both in the liner notes? So it logically follows that this video doesn't have to be the worst thing ever invented ... yet it is. This is "Christian Side Hug" and it is horrific. It's four and a half minutes of the "Imperial March" theme played on a Casio keyboard while gunshot sounds and sirens ring out and the worst rappers you have ever had the misfortune to hear spew rap cliches and lecture on the danger of full-frontal hugging.
Let that soak in, because I am not even kidding.
These are "rough riders full up with Christ love" -- a direct quote! They want you to "Gimme that Christian side hug," because to hug someone from the front is a danger to your purity. This is insanity, pure and simple. So naturally, I love it. Although I am pretty certain it is the best argument ever made for either atheism, or for the fact that god is actually a hilarious practical joker -- no sincere, loving god could allow this to exist or want his followers to act this way. See for yourself after the jump.
Before we go any further, I feel a warning is in order. Epileptics and anyone who started their day off with a hefty dose of psychedelics should stop here -- to go further is to risk madness, injury or death. The rest of you? Well, your eyes and brain may bleed a little bit, but you'll probably be all right. Today's blast of freaky comes to us from Japan, so it automatically at least 20 percent weirder than any domestic product. The song is a weird combination of broken beats, Japanese singing/rapping and chicken and video game noises. If that sounds awful, it kind of is -- it's also kind of catchy and may get stuck in your head for hours after exposure. The video that accompanies it is a Boschian progression of Buddhas, fruit, internal organs, CGI bubbles, giant robots and more, all done up in eye-scorching fluorescent candy colors. The combination? Well, it's one of the more fucked up things I have seen and heard in some time -- and I spend way too much of my time seeking this stuff out, so that is saying something. You'll find it after the jump and I hope you enjoy and/or survive it.
Supposedly, this tender love ballad from Luke Sywalker to Leia, is a rejected song from the Empire Strikes Back soundtrack. Sure, it is. And if you believe that, I have some prime real estate on Dagoba to sell you. In any case, authentic or not, the dude managed to nail the early-'80s, cheese-ballad vibe that pervaded that era, and give me a good laugh at the Star Wars jokes and sex euphemisms throughout. This little slice of nerd heaven popped up on Topless Robot a few days ago and I've been watching it at least twice a day since, so I decided the only thing to do was share it with you. Which I have done, after the jump. Enjoy.
Ah, Bollywood. Is there anything you can't make a cheap, poorly misunderstood copy of, add some synchronized dancing to and make infinitely better and stranger? Not if this video is to be believed. Here we have Indian Superman, who is clearly courting Indian Spider Woman. They fly around, via some of the worst special effects of all time, dancing in the air. They stop to have a synchronized dance in a courtyard full of people. Despite being largely incomprehensible it easily makes as much sense as your average comics crossover story. And it awaits you in all its lo-fi glory after the jump.
Today's freakshow is something of an Internet classic, and no doubt many of you are already well familiar with the singing, dancing insanity of the Japanese boy-band parody "Yatta." But classics gain that status for a reason, so you can stand to watch it again so your less well-informed colleagues and aficionados of wack can immerse themselves in the deep, abiding joy that is "Yatta." As mentioned, it's a parody of boy-band and J-pop silliness from Japan, so it has that distinctively off-the-wall sensibility that most Japanese comedy has. It also may be slightly NSFW, depending on how your workplace feels about Japanese men prancing about it tighty-whities with giant green leaves emblazoned on the front. If that's something you'll get away with, then enjoy the video after the jump.
What separates the bulk of weird, wackaloon amateur singer/songwriters from someone like Wesley Willis or Daniel Johnston? Talent, certainly, but the math alone insists there are more than those scattered gems among the depths of crazy people with microphones. And occasionally you stumble across one that, at first glance, is just another hilarious nutter, but upon deeper examination ... well, is a hilarious nutter with that something special.Today, I present Mark Gormley. Despite his strange, high, ululating voice and uber-dork demeanor, there's something strangely appealing about Gormley. Maybe it's just sleep deprivation or low-blood sugar or something, but I have to say that this song is actually pretty great, in a way similar to how Johnston is great. The difference is, no one famous is talking this dude up, really. But that's okay, Mark. I still think you're awesome. Feel the magic after the jump.
Today's entry has been growing on me for a few days. It's an AutoTuned cutup of Carl Sagan's Cosmos turned into a loving ode to science and our stellar potential that sounds like it could be a lost track from Boards of Canada or one of those other "listening electronica" acts from the late '90s. It's smart and nerdy and beautiful, just like the woman who showed it to me. Oh, and Stephen Hawking does a guest verse, which is fucking awesome. MC Hawking FTW!
It's also garnered half a million views in the two weeks it's been on the nets, so if you've already seen it, I apologize. Wait, no I don't. Just watch it again. It's a good reminder that, "If we don't destroy ourselves, we will, one day, venture to the stars." Fuck yes, Mr. Sagan. That's a message we need to think about more often.
Are you familiar with "Slash" fiction? It's a venerable strain of Star Trek fan fiction that posits a homosexual relationship between Kirk and Spock. Well, today's video cuts up episodes of the old animated Star Trek series in such a way as to suggest the glory days of slash fic, lays William Shatner's cover of Pulp's "Common People" behind it and creates what I believe is the world's first slash-up. With such awesome individual components, how could the sum total be anything less than uber-awesome? It marks the first time anyone's had an encore appearance on Freaky Friday (Shatner's "I Can't Get Behind That" was featured a while back), but that is just a testament to what a weird dude he is. Oh, and any douchebag commenter that feels the need to leave comments reading "Totally gay"? This is one time it is completely appropriate. It is gay. See it after the jump.
Today's video is an object lesson in how good intentions (bringing the diverse children of the world to Jesus) combined with raw ignorance and ethnic insensitivity can, with the benefit of a little time, lead to pure, unbridled hilarity. It's a clip reportedly taped off a public access show some years back (mid-'90s perhaps?) and it's a bizarre, farcical puppet rendition of the old-time classic "Jesus Loves the Little Children." Only here, the children are racist stereotypes that would make Franklin, Gob's offensive puppet sidekick from Arrested Development, blush in embarrassment. And they even come complete with their own, ethnically themed and wholly offensive musical cues! Gape in slack-jawed awe at the ignorance, after the break. And thanks to fellow Westword scribe Quibian Salazar-Moreno for turning me on to this.
There is very little that needs to be said to put across the basic idea of Van Canto. Three words, in fact, are really all I need: a capella metal (er, is that two words? whatever). Not that I'm going to stop there -- there's no way I can resist heaping it on a bit. Yes, this is a band that does metal -- in the case of the tune I've found for you, it's what I like to call D&D metal, the kind full of dragons and swords and shit -- a cappella. They make the guitar, bass and other sounds with their voices. With a drummer. So you have a guy pounding out some metal beats, plus four guys and a chick who are all either singing dramatic lyrics about masters and apprentices and what not or going "deedley-deedley-deedley-dum-dum-dum" for four and half minutes. While making faux-scary "metal faces." It's German, I'm pretty sure it's meant to be taken seriously (mind you, Germans take David Hasselhoff seriously as a musician, so...) and utterly, mind-meltingly ridiculous. And you can find it by clicking through to the jump.
Some things in life simply cannot be explained; today's video is one of those things. It is as inexplicable as alien abduction phenomena or David Hasselhoff's popularity as a singer in Germany. I have no idea where this comes from or how it came to be. It could be a particularly bizarre artifact of the '80s, a more contemporary parody or something that slipped into this universe from a parallel dimension. Describing it would only spoil its impact, so I'm just going to ask you to click through and watch a short instructional video on how bread is made. Have a little patience -- the first few seconds are a little slow, but it gets good before long. And by good, I mean, "Holy shit, what am I looking at and what on earth does it have to do with making bread?" It's a short one -- just under a minute and a half -- but I can all but guarantee you're going to want to watch it twice. Or more. It awaits after the jump...
Part life lesson, part novelty rap and all awesome, this entry into the canon of freak comes from '80s icon Mr. T. It's hard to believe now, in the cold hard light of not-the-'80s, but for whatever reason Mr. T was quite the phenomenon back in the day. He was the breakout star of the A-Team, easily one of the most ridiculous shows ever put on the air. That resulted in the man getting a cartoon show, a breakfast cereal and the odd little nugget of insanity like this clip. While you're watching it, you may find cause to ask yourself, "How did this ever come to be? What the fuck was wrong with the '80s? And where can I get a pair of short-shorts like that?" I can't answer these questions -- no one can -- but luckily, I don't have to: the video speaks for itself.
As you watch and listen to today's selection, you will ask yourself: "Is this a joke? A Parody? Is it the cleverest thing I've seen all week, or the stupidest?" By the end you will know, but I don't want to ruin the fun. You'll also have the deliriously simple and utterly ridiculous hook of this track stuck in your head. You'll be lucky if you don't end up randomly shouting it out, like some kind of tourette's victim -- I did for a day or two afterward, much to my fiancee's chagrin. To give you an idea of what to expect, this is hip-hop. Sort of. Imagine the weakest, most repetitive and primitive beat you've ever heard -- something like a clever ten-year-old might cook up the first time he lays hands on Fruity Loops. Over this, layer the most offensive, sexist, misogynist, violent and laughably clumsy spectacle of a rap. And then illustrate the whole thing with an awkward, crappy CGI-heavy video that's like a mildly brain-damaged version of a hip-hop fantasy land. That's Chuggo's "Ah, C'mon" in a nutshell. And in case it isn't obvious, this is not particularly safe for work, due to all that sexism, misogyny and liberal use of the word "fuck," not to mention lots of thong-clad stripper ass. In any case, it awaits you after the jump.
Sometimes, I have to search far and wide to bring you something special from the land of ridiculous. Other times, they just fall into my lap. Like today, when this gem appeared in my inbox as if by magic, delaying the still-awesome video I was going to offer up today. This was just too good not to share. It's an unbelievably geeky rap about high-performance bikes made with tongue firmly in cheek. Now, until a year or so ago, when someone close to me was sucked in to this strange cult of "bike people" I didn't even know such things existed outside of the 1979 cycling film Breaking Away. Now I am all too aware of the allure that carbon frames and high-end brakes can have on certain, susceptible types, so this hit the funny spot for me. Also, this video makes fun of hipsters something fierce, which I am always down with. See it for yourself after the jump, and special thanks to Brandon Prott for tweeting the link, leading directly to me seeing it. Nice one, Brandon.
Another Friday, another shot of fucking weird. This one is an old favorite of mine that I stumbled upon while working in the YouTube mines. It's a surreal, absurd look at our nation's greatest founder, George Washington. And while it omits some of the tried and true myths about him -- no cherry-tree chopping here -- it does add a whole slew of new ones, like the little known tidbit that he had four testicles. It's probably not safe for work, depending on how your work feels about rapping about Washington's dick, his hatred of British children and the cartoon depiction of bestial sex, random violence and gratuitous drug use. Supposing that's all okay (it is at the Westword offices), go nuts -- otherwise, you should probably at least put on some headphones. And if you have time, check out some of the creator's other videos. There are some other gems mixed in there as well.
Japan offers us this week's entry into the weird of the world. The song is "Hibi no Neiro" by Japanese group Sour. It's actually quite a nice little tune, sort of like a Japanese Belle and Sebastian who stop for a psych-rock/free jazz freakout now and then -- which I guess is weird enough, if you think about it. But the video here is something else. It's a psychedelic exercise in applied webcam awesomeness that comes out like a surreal 21st century version of the Brady Bunch opening credits, only the Brady's heads sometimes get welded together and the occasional dude in a Mexican wrestling mask shows up. So, nothing like that at all, but I think you get the idea. Or you will once you hit the jump and watch it yourself.
For this week's entry into the annals of WTF, I bring you you something really, really special. And by special, I mean like the kids at your school that rode their own, efficiency-sized bus and had to wear helmets even though they weren't on any team. It's an unbelievably weird attempt at rapping that, although I am no hip-hop expert, I feel safe in saying may be the worst rap ever . It may be about God, or something. Revelation is mentioned in the title, after all. He also mentions chicken pox... It's just really hard to say, because my mind shuts down after about thirty seconds of direct exposure. I am sure that whatever his message is, this can't be the best way to express it -- and if it is, his message sucks, anyway. Oh, and if you're particularly taken by this piece of genius, Wehbe says he is "Looking for someone to sign this song on to the next level." I assume by that he means the next level of hell. Oh -- an I didn't even mention his outfit: it speaks for itself. In any case, the video awaits you after the jump.
Our weekly voyage into the sheer WTFuckery of the web delivers us to the insufferable presence of Folerio. This pencil-mustached, bewigged hipster paragon apparently has a real, honest-to-god record deal, a fact that makes me want to hit myself in the face with a shovel. And you'll want to hit yourself (or him, perhaps) with a shovel, too, once you hear the rinky-dink, "can't be bothered to even fake it" musical backing and awkward, annoying spoken-word performance, see the incredibly creepy (even if it is supposed to be ironic -- I mean, that is supposed to be ironic, right?), stalkerish, video love letter to the teenaged Alyssa Milano and realize that, yes, Western civilization has come to an end, when this kind of crap is created and perpetuated not by deranged amateurs desperately unaware of their own lack of talent, but as a commercial offering by a deranged hipster desperate for ... attention? a supplement to his trust fund? the validation that comes from pulling off a prank that allows you to release this on an actual record label? In any case, the video awaits you after the jump.
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