The sixteen stupidest hats worn by musicians

Categories: Nitpick Six

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Flickr/Joel Dinda
Straw hat left off this list because obviously it sucks. You don't need my help with that.
Recently, my enemies have been accusing me of having a problem with hats. Maybe it's because I am (predictably) a bald, pale music critic, and wearing a hat makes me look like a Nosferatu vampire-creature. But personally, I think someone's choice of headwear can tell a lot about a person -- usually how they suck.

As I am fully aware that most people are not as gifted as I am when it comes to deciphering the inner-character of a human being based solely upon their appearance, I've created an exceptionally important guide. When I die, I will be remembered for my gift to the world: a list of stupid hats musicians wear and what they mean.

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Six ways for degenerates to celebrate the 4th of July

Categories: Nitpick Six

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Dave Watt

Every red-blooded American with the day off will agree: the 4th of July is one of our nation's finest holidays. While the historic significance is a no-brainer for our country, more importantly, it's a day of excess and celebration as we're expected to dutifully cram grilled meat and cheap beer into our already-bloated bodies. Then we set off explosives.
But what about those of us loser artists who live free and die on a daily basis -- staying up late, getting trashed, watching bands play local dumps, and firing bottle rockets at our friends even during the dead of January? How do you celebrate a holiday where the encouraged activities are already incorporated into your regular routines of mayhem?
We've got you covered, you mutant. Here's six ways for a degenerate like you to celebrate the 4th of July.

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Six awful songs with incredible intros

Categories: Nitpick Six

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Yeah, they're gonna make this list.
Some people just know how to hook you, right? Say you're browsing an online dating profile and someone catches your eye. Witty one-liners, cute smirks, maybe something cryptic like a tattoo of Josef Stalin eating a hot dog. Their linked Tumblr page shows they have an active interest in occult medicine and deep-sea creatures. Whatever weird, dumb thing you're into on the Internet, they've got it. They've seemingly got the total package.

So you go and meet them at your favorite gastropub, and as you're sipping a glass of some crap with fernet in it, it dawns on you: This person doesn't seem that cool. How can this be? How could you have been snowed so easily based on a first impression?

It's the same, sometimes, with music. The following songs all have brilliant introductions but quickly go on to suck out loud. Listen and wince as the pangs of regret throb in your ears.

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Six musicians who should have been pro wrestlers

Categories: Nitpick Six

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Carnivore
Did you watch the most recent Wrestlemania? I didn't. I also haven't had a Mountain Dew in seven years. I guess this means I'm finally an real adult, which means I should do the mature thing and write a list for an audience of people who are mostly hung-over and sitting in cubicles. This week, I'll be tackling the topic that's obviously been on everyone's minds: music acts that should have been performing on the wrestling mat instead of the stage.

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The six best reasons to go on tour

Categories: Nitpick Six

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Flickr/William Warby
There are a lot of ways to travel the world. Most of them involve being extremely wealthy. However, if you weren't born with the gift of mommy and daddy's golden checkbook, you can still find a fairly respectable way to see the world, provided you're OK with sleeping on a pool table and using a blood-stained pillow once and a while.

Just start a band, play some shows in your hometown, then tell everyone you're too cool to hang around and go book a tour. When you're not fighting off hordes of attractive groupies as they paw at your clothes and try to hand you money, you can experience the joys of beautiful national treasures/glorified gas stations like Wall Drug and South of the Border. Tour is also your chance to justify eating seventeen gas station burritos over the course of a few weeks.

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Six punk bands we don't need to talk about anymore

Categories: Nitpick Six

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Aaron Thackeray. Full slideshow
You know what? Enough about Social Distortion.
I have an embarrassing tendency to bait people into conversations where I just talk about cool things I am doing. Surprise, right? While it likely stems from being bored with hearing of the mundane achievements of others (babies, crappy jobs, cars), there is a part of me that figures it must stem from some sort of deep-seated masochism -- the same way I used to force myself to watch My Super Sweet 16. Without fail, the conversation switches to traveling, music, or some other trite nonsense and the question arises:

"Oh, what kind of band are you in?"


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The six most important rules for sharing a practice space

Categories: Nitpick Six

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Flickr/eyeliam
Mixing business with pleasure is a dirty game, isn't it? While necessary, practice spaces exemplify the tension that comes with sharing a small area with a number of personal friends and acquaintances. It's like living in a tiny house with eight other unbalanced roommates. Between paying rent, keeping the space clean and organized, and having to occasionally text a friend and ask them if you can use a guitar strap, there are a multitude of dicey situations you can find yourself in.

To help alleviate some common headaches associated with sharing a space, we've compiled a short guide to help you navigate through some potentially tenuous and troublesome situations with your fellow musicians.

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The six most unstoppable collaborations in music

Categories: Nitpick Six

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Un-freakin'-stoppable.
Roosevelt and Churchill. Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers. Marvel and Capcom. Ghostbusters and Hi-C. Throughout history, there have been some truly incredible collaborations that have forever altered the course of humanity. But what about the memorable music combos when two brilliant music artists collide, shooting through the galaxies of both pop and rock? To celebrate the recent run of stupid collaborations between artists who have no business on the same song, we've compiled a list of the six most unstoppable alliances in music.

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Six not-glamorous reasons people want to have sex with musicians

Categories: Nitpick Six

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Press photo
Tom Petty's skin looks like a fondue pot was poured over a haunted-house prop. If not for music, he'd be a very lonely man.
Recently, Business Insider published the results of a study that purports to prove why women want to enter the bone zone with musicians. The article summarizes research from the University of Sussex, and there are a few glaring omissions that make it useless to the general population. Aside from basically stating that it's "some sort of biological thing," the article fails to take into account some of the obvious reasons why creative individuals and other attention vacuums are attractive as short-term sex partners.

The study also sucks, because it leaves dudes completely out of the equation. Maybe its authors think it's a given that guys want to screw anyone who's marginally cool or interesting (or horrible and boring).

Lucky for you, there are experts out there who are willing to explore these issues and state the hard-hitting facts without consulting nerdy, wallflower scientists. Below, we bless you with six reasons why all people are programmed to lust over musicians.


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Six nu-metal bands you shouldn't be ashamed to like

Categories: Nitpick Six

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It's okay to admit that you like System of a Down. Just admit it.
There's a lot of bad music out there. There are always people debating genres like contemporary country and Western and Top 40 music, but at the end of the day, the most reviled and defenseless genre of all is nu-metal. Too whiny to be intimidating and too dumb to be complimented on its wimpiness, nu-metal is generally not much more than a relic of the '90s and early '00s that we're all still trying to forget. It's hard to get people to take you seriously when they find out that you genuinely enjoy the stylings of greaseballs with seven-string guitars. Believe it or not, though, some of these oft-maligned acts actually have some talent and are worthy of a little appreciation. In keeping with that notion, we've produced a modest-sized list to encourage people to get down with the sickness*.

*Note: Disturbed is not a nu-metal band you should ever admit to enjoying.

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