Six Reasons I Won't Like Your Band On Facebook

Categories: Nitpick Six

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Leon Fishman via Flickr
Every week, we get thousands of notifications on Facebook, and because our lives are privileged and lonely, we pay attention to them. Everyone has commented on everything. It is everybody's birthday today. Everyone but you has had a baby and is also celebrating their four year anniversary with a decent human being. Facebook is a constant hum of people begging for your attention without looking you in the eyes.

If that's not enough, the network puts you in the awkward situation of dealing with a constant flow of hellish invites. A high school friend wants you to come to their pre-engagement party. The barista from the coffee-shop down the street has invited you to visit his new art gallery composed entirely of Lolcats and pictures of trees at the zoo. Your aunt really, really, really wants you to play Candy Crush Saga. And of course, some asshole wants you to like their band on Facebook.

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Six Reasons to Always Stage-Dive

Categories: Nitpick Six

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Montecruz Foto/Flickr
Recently, extremely dangerous pop-punk band Joyce Manor ignited controversy among true rockers everywhere after its members stopped one of their fans from stage-diving on some small women. The band even later took to Facebook to condemn the practice.

Although the move is likely motivated by positive intentions, this band is stupid and wrong. Stage-diving is the most important thing that any human being could ever do at a rock-and-roll show. If you do not stage-dive at all shows, you are probably a coward who is afraid of everything. It is important for so many reasons, which I will now list for you in a simple and readable format that also pays me money.

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Six Ways To Avoid Getting Robbed On Tour

Categories: Nitpick Six

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All illustrations by Dave Watt.
Although musicians are infamous for walking out on bar tabs, trashing hotel rooms and hijacking chuckwagon sandwiches from gas stations, there is one thing they deserve: the ability to torture society with their particular brand of art. Sadly, it happens all too often that bands' tours are derailed or altogether cancelled as a result of the actions of opportunistic criminals. So we've come up with a few helpful suggestions to prevent bands from being robbed on tour.

See also: Six Reasons I Won't Dance At Your Wedding

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Six Reasons You Need To Flier Your Shows

Categories: Nitpick Six

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Philip Kromer/Flickr
So easy, even a monkey can do it.
Social media takes the heat for a lot of things. Some people insist that it's responsible for diluting activism and killing personal interaction. Others may recall the recent viral Craigslist post about the restaurant that blamed their slowing service on social media and smartphones, while some scientists have even drawn a connection between Facebook use and depression.

See also: The Six Best Reasons to Go on Tour

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Six Musicians Who Are Way Better Than Their Music

Categories: Nitpick Six

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Press Photo
Not the worst guy ever, despite all those songs.
Do you ever wonder about the positive qualities you may be overlooking in the artists you hate? Probably not. Who has time to dig through the details to find out who's actually pretty cool, but an unfortunate victim of their own terrible art?

Well, my friend, we do. That's why we're the professionals. So while it won't make the following acts sound any better, here's a list of six of critically unpopular artists that you may be able to appreciate just a little more for reasons unrelated to their music.

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The sixteen stupidest hats worn by musicians

Categories: Nitpick Six

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Flickr/Joel Dinda
Straw hat left off this list because obviously it sucks. You don't need my help with that.
Recently, my enemies have been accusing me of having a problem with hats. Maybe it's because I am (predictably) a bald, pale music critic, and wearing a hat makes me look like a Nosferatu vampire-creature. But personally, I think someone's choice of headwear can tell a lot about a person -- usually how they suck.

As I am fully aware that most people are not as gifted as I am when it comes to deciphering the inner-character of a human being based solely upon their appearance, I've created an exceptionally important guide. When I die, I will be remembered for my gift to the world: a list of stupid hats musicians wear and what they mean.

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Six ways for degenerates to celebrate the 4th of July

Categories: Nitpick Six

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Dave Watt

Every red-blooded American with the day off will agree: the 4th of July is one of our nation's finest holidays. While the historic significance is a no-brainer for our country, more importantly, it's a day of excess and celebration as we're expected to dutifully cram grilled meat and cheap beer into our already-bloated bodies. Then we set off explosives.
But what about those of us loser artists who live free and die on a daily basis -- staying up late, getting trashed, watching bands play local dumps, and firing bottle rockets at our friends even during the dead of January? How do you celebrate a holiday where the encouraged activities are already incorporated into your regular routines of mayhem?
We've got you covered, you mutant. Here's six ways for a degenerate like you to celebrate the 4th of July.

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Six awful songs with incredible intros

Categories: Nitpick Six

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Yeah, they're gonna make this list.
Some people just know how to hook you, right? Say you're browsing an online dating profile and someone catches your eye. Witty one-liners, cute smirks, maybe something cryptic like a tattoo of Josef Stalin eating a hot dog. Their linked Tumblr page shows they have an active interest in occult medicine and deep-sea creatures. Whatever weird, dumb thing you're into on the Internet, they've got it. They've seemingly got the total package.

So you go and meet them at your favorite gastropub, and as you're sipping a glass of some crap with fernet in it, it dawns on you: This person doesn't seem that cool. How can this be? How could you have been snowed so easily based on a first impression?

It's the same, sometimes, with music. The following songs all have brilliant introductions but quickly go on to suck out loud. Listen and wince as the pangs of regret throb in your ears.

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Six musicians who should have been pro wrestlers

Categories: Nitpick Six

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Carnivore
Did you watch the most recent Wrestlemania? I didn't. I also haven't had a Mountain Dew in seven years. I guess this means I'm finally an real adult, which means I should do the mature thing and write a list for an audience of people who are mostly hung-over and sitting in cubicles. This week, I'll be tackling the topic that's obviously been on everyone's minds: music acts that should have been performing on the wrestling mat instead of the stage.

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The six best reasons to go on tour

Categories: Nitpick Six

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Flickr/William Warby
There are a lot of ways to travel the world. Most of them involve being extremely wealthy. However, if you weren't born with the gift of mommy and daddy's golden checkbook, you can still find a fairly respectable way to see the world, provided you're OK with sleeping on a pool table and using a blood-stained pillow once and a while.

Just start a band, play some shows in your hometown, then tell everyone you're too cool to hang around and go book a tour. When you're not fighting off hordes of attractive groupies as they paw at your clothes and try to hand you money, you can experience the joys of beautiful national treasures/glorified gas stations like Wall Drug and South of the Border. Tour is also your chance to justify eating seventeen gas station burritos over the course of a few weeks.

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