Courtesy of Bang With Friends

The banned posters. What could SXSW have possibly had a problem with?

"All the single dudes put up your phone. Now all the single ladies put up your phone. Turn to the nearest person with a phone up. Now type in your phone number. Now you have something to do after this."

That was Chuck D, talking from the Doritos Main Stage. Or at least I think it was Chuck D. I was just passing by on the street, and I couldn't see through the green mesh set up on the fence. A lot of SXSW is experienced that way: In passing. People are looking for something new, for something that impresses them. Bands? Yes. "Professional" networking connections? Oh so exhaustingly yes. And also, you will not be surprised to hear, hookups. SXSW is the Olympic Village of music dorks, right down to the giving away condoms everywhere. I was offered over a dozen condoms in three days.

See also:
- The ten dumbest things overheard at SXSW
- Photos: 34 People We Want To Party With At SXSW
- Photos: The Awesome People of SXSW 2013

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Photos by Marco Torres

Swag is rampant again at SXSW this year.

For every insightful conversation I have heard or had at SXSW over the years, whether it was talking to Matt Pinfield while walking the streets of Austin talking about David Bowie, or telling The Clash's Mick Jones that he was in fact, in The Clash, I have overheard a thousand awful ones. Years of eavesdropping on troglodytes trying to talk "shop" or listening to people to with horrid musical opinions waxing poetic about a band that should have been aborted should have hardened me to humanity in Austin, but instead I just keep trying harder to listen. For blog's sake, of course. Here are some of the dumbest, most dogshit things I have heard so far this SXSW. Where applicable, I will fill you in on the locales and circumstances.

See also:
- Photos: 34 People We Want To Party With At SXSW
- Photos: The Awesome People of SXSW 2013
- The five biggest sellouts at SXSW

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Marco Torres

SXSW is not a music festival so much as it is an experiment in excess. If Coachella is a glass of water that keeps getting bigger until it more resembles a kiddie pool, then SXSW is a flood with a neglected cup somewhere in the middle. The natural result is rampant crowds and ever more rampant lame behavior amidst all the genuinely spectacular musical offerings. In honor of the World's most bloated city this week, we present the five biggest sellouts at SXSW.

See also:
- Live review: Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds at Ogden Theatre
- Good things happen to Nick Cave's Bad Seeds
- Photos: Best Coast at the Fox Theatre, 5/26/12

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Going to South By Southwest in a few weeks? Lucky duck! Jealous. Stop by Kerbey Lane and eat some migas for me, will ya? Mmm...migas... Where was I? Oh yeah, SXSW. If you're going and want to keep connect with our all your hometown homies and support your favorite local bands, Dani Grant, the founder and president of Fort Collins-based music non-profit, SpokesBUZZ, has created a way for you to RSVP for all the Colorado parties with one click. Eight parties over the course of four days and some 81 acts. Wowzers! Visit ColoradoMusicParty to see who's playing where and to confirm your attendance.

See also:
- Five WTF examples of marketing at SXSW
- The worst moments of SXSW 2012
- SXSW travelogue: Wheelchair Sports Camp march for peace and make dough busking

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You were a little flat at the end of your performance of "Happy Birthday" there, Wolf Violinist

The last few days, Village Voice Media's indefatigable music staff has been regaling you with stories of the best from SXSW 2012. In the midst of these discoveries, we've been culling another list: the worst shit. The acts that ranged from huge bore-fests to downright lame. Below, you'll find our critics' submissions. Let us know if you have similar experiences.

Yawn at Bar 96
Standing up for indie rock in 2012 is like pledging allegiance to Joseph Kony, and we have bands like infantile Chicago quartet Yawn to thank. The pleasure of Bandcamp is that we get to peruse hashtags like "animal collective, avant-pop, beach boys, brian eno, electronic, of montreal, vampire weekend, yeasayer, avant-pop, dreampop, electronic, indie pop, Chicago" and theoretically end up with something that resembles those terms. (Don't forget "andrew bird" and "beirut," guys.) The downside is that a slickly produced EP like Yawn's self-titled collection and last year's Open Season get out to the masses too fast. Tongue-wagging tastemakery takes over, and suddenly folks trying to fill out lineup cards at festivals end up latching onto goobers like these guys without seeing them perform.

Yawn's live act confirms they are a fraud. Thursday's appearance at Bar 96 was the art of trying as hard as possible to seem like they weren't trying. Imagine four unremarkable white dudes with unkempt hair having a rehearsal consisting of directions like "can you make your voice crack a little more when you add some unnecessary harmony to the second verse," or "make sure to introduce that song that obviously isn't slow as a 'slow jam.'" Further banter clunkers: "This is Terry Gross and you're listening to NPR" and "We're in Austin right now, but let's imagine we're in Africa." Even the guy convulsing and spazzing in place to these dilute ripoffs must have been a paid extra. Such earnest attempts to make flippant music -- well, it's enough to make you... yawn. -- Reed Fischer / City Pages

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courtesy of the Morning Clouds

Good Morning, Austin.

Thursday, March 15: Thousands of bands were packed into stages around town, fans were going nuts on every street corner. How'd the Morning Clouds spend their off day? Doing laundry. We're pretty rock like that. With piles of clean undies and non-smelly socks back in our room, we managed to catch a glimpse of some pretty cool bands: Deerhoof, Finn Riggins, Japandroids, Lucero, Of Montreal. That last group, as expected, brought out some of the best fans at the festival: Dudes in dresses like it's a 1994 James concert, young girls with war paint on their faces and all manner of substance abuses. What a great way to recharge your batteries.

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Coming into our seventh year playing SXSW, we've got it down to a science. We've already been out on the road for two weeks and have two to follow after SXSW, so it's about getting in, playing your heart out, supporting your friends and hopefully catching a few new bands to write home about.

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courtesy of Take to the Oars

Mikey T (from left), Magic Cyclops, Chris Weaver and Chris's beard throwing down at Peckerheads.

There is a place somewhere in the pacific ocean that is essentially a cesspool for plastic waste and various other bits of debris and man-made trash. The rudimentary physics and science behind this collection is that all ocean currents from all over the world eventually whirlpool and cycle through the area. The plastic deposits are broken down to such small particles that they are basically omnipresent in the water.

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Photo Roadies

Kalyn with Riggs from Shady Records.

Farewell, Austin: Kalyn here checking in for Wheelchair Sports Camp and Company's last night at SXSW! Grab a cup of coffee -- you missed a lot since our last check-in: We took our precious time getting out of our RV park home yesterday and loaded in our gear to The Jr (Emo's) at 6 p.m. On the way, I spotted the magnificent Aja Black (The ReMINDers) from afar, but never got the chance to link up with my favorite CO family... Anyway, we got our shit loaded in, and Isaac got some busking in on his ukelele, while Frank Kwiatkowski hustled more art. They wracked up a few dollars and a three foot sub sandwich...random? not at SXSW.

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Nick Rallo

Justin Townes Earle at Stubb's BBQ

So, we come to it: the end of all things. Four days of madness, Doritos, Skrillex and finally, St. Patrick's Day. Before we bid SXSW 2012 farewell, allow us to share our favorite moments from SXSW day four. Later, we'll let you know which shows weren't so hot. Find our favorites below, and if there was a show that blew your hair back--let us know in the comments. To quote Raymond Chandler: "I went to brush something off my cheek, and it was the floor."

Grupo Fantasma - The Stage on Sixth
Anytime Grupo Fantasma plays, one has to fight the feeling that this might be the best band in the world, or at least the most fun. On Saturday the Grammy-winning Austin Latin funk-rock ensemble crammed nine musicians onto a small stage under a backyard tent, and put on the kind of party-rocking perfomance that can only be achieved with Latin rhythms, a three-piece horn section, and some seriously whammy'd-out guitar solos. Yes, the lyrics are in Spanish. But this group's endless energy and sunglassed cool spoke more than words ever could. When Grupo Fantasma plays, casual observers become blissed-out converts, and even the older ladies in the crowd get up to shake it. Having seen them twice now - both times in front of hometown crowds - I've learned to never underestimate this group's powers of seduction. The only thing this writer doesn't understand is why Grupo Fantasma isn't better known. -- Ian S. Port

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