Candy Girls: Satellite Wafers

Categories: Sugar High

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These are surely one of the most perplexing candies that we have ever come across. Graciously bestowed upon us by Liz's helpful brother Jonathan, the package proclaims that "Gerrit's Satellite Wafers have been on the American Market for over 40 years," and goes on to say that they are a "nostalgic candy" and that "people love these candies so much they will do anything to get their hands on them."

First of all, we know nostalgic candies. Liz even happens to be married to a nostalgic candy connoisseur, but no one we talked to had ever heard of these things. What's worse? Most people had to ask if they were supposed to "eat the Styrofoam" outer shell. Uh, yeah. Well, at least we think you are. Perhaps the ambiguity is why they feel they must specify that it is "an edible shell" on the packaging.

First Reaction: The pastel colored disks are like Styrofoam flying saucers. While they are fun to pick up and rattle around, we are not too sure that it is something that we actually want to ingest.

Aubrey: Ummm. I'm not sure if I should bite into it or try to let it dissolve on my tongue.
Liz: It's not dissolving. It's just sitting there. Like a piece of paper.
Aubrey: Biting isn't working either. It doesn't crunch or do anything. I feel like I'm gnawing on a copy of Westword.

After being mostly flabbergasted by this candy we bring in Jonathan Shikes, Westword Managing Editor (not to be confused with Liz's brother), for a second opinion.

Jonathan: Do I eat the Styrofoam? I'm not catholic, but I feel like I'm eating a communion wafer.
Aubrey: Yes!!! That's what it is! It is exactly like a giant, disgusting, flavorless communion wafer.

Taste: After breaking through the tough, plastic-y outer shell we find small bits of conffetti candy inside.

Liz: It's like candy cake sprinkles. And they're orange and blue, like the Broncos colors!
Aubrey: The sweetness is good, but it's just dissolving in my mouth and mingling with the paste-like wafer shell goo. Blech.

Conclusions: It was an interesting experiment to leave a bowl of these on Aubrey's desk to see if people would actually eat them, and amazingly they did! Even people who weren't even sure they were really food seemed unable to stop themselves from taking something that was free and had the potential to at least be food. Either that, or someone used them in place of styrofoam packing peanuts to pad a package they were shipping. But for taste, these have got to be the grossest thing masquerading as candy we've ever eaten.
Would we finish it? We could barely gag down one of these.
Would be buy again? Only as a joke.
Rating: 0 out of 5

-- Aubrey and Liz



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