The 10 Manliest Candies Ever

Categories: Lists

When a candy specifies bodily harm in its name, it's pretty much manly.

In the most recent Esquire, Chris Jones extols the virtues of Jujubes, calling them "the only candy a man should eat." This, of course, is utter bullshit, as are his claims that they should be pronounced "joo-joobs," which is only slightly less precious than referring to Target as "Tar-zhay." Jujubes are about as manly as a Reba marathon on Lifetime.

This isn't to say there's no such a thing as a manly candy. There aren't many of them, granted -- most candy is made for kids and, judging from their marketing, women. (Dove Dark Chocolate Singles: Made with 100 percent real estrogen!) But a few candies are very appropriate for men to consume. So here are the ten manliest candies ever -- and trust me, joo-joobs ain't on the list.

10. Gummy Lighthouses


A candy actually made in the shape of a lighthouse (as well as a small house for the boys down below) actually sounds pretty manly -- you know, men of the sea and all that. Very manly, indeed -- at least until you consider that the ultimate purpose of these candies is to put them in your mouth. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

9. Big Hunk

It's a simple candy -- pretty much just peanuts rolled in a honey nougat -- but the fact that it's a big hunk of candy really helps its manliness. What hurts it is that it could easily have been a bad semi-naughty Joanie Cunningham line to which a Pavlovian studio audience might have dutifully woo-hooed.

8. Yorkie


Its slogan says it all: "It's not for girls!" You might think that this is just a marketing ploy, but you can tell they're serious because they've also turned the "O" into a "no girls allowed" sign. This candy loses points here in the States, where it loses its regional affiliation and sounds more like a yappy terrier with nervous urination issues.

7. Mr. Goodbar


Okay, so it wasn't named for the '70s flick starring Diane Keaton and Richard Gere. But at this point, it probably should be. If not for the movie -- and maybe fun-size Halloween candies -- this would have gone the way of the Reggie Bar or Mr. T's Gold Chain Bubble Gum. Either way, it's simple, it's chocolate, and it's damn manly.

6. Atomic Fireballs

Atomic Fireballs are in part cool because of the way they were invented in 1954, as a response to actual worries about an actual atomic cataclysm. Since it's manly to laugh maniacally in the face of danger, this fits right in. Brave idea, putting a mushroom cloud on your candy packaging, but it outlasted the Red Scare, so that's gotta mean something.

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