The 10 Manliest Candies Ever

Categories: The List

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When a candy specifies bodily harm in its name, it's pretty much manly.

In the most recent Esquire, Chris Jones extols the virtues of Jujubes, calling them "the only candy a man should eat." This, of course, is utter bullshit, as are his claims that they should be pronounced "joo-joobs," which is only slightly less precious than referring to Target as "Tar-zhay." Jujubes are about as manly as a Reba marathon on Lifetime.

This isn't to say there's no such a thing as a manly candy. There aren't many of them, granted -- most candy is made for kids and, judging from their marketing, women. (Dove Dark Chocolate Singles: Made with 100 percent real estrogen!) But a few candies are very appropriate for men to consume. So here are the ten manliest candies ever -- and trust me, joo-joobs ain't on the list.

10. Gummy Lighthouses

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A candy actually made in the shape of a lighthouse (as well as a small house for the boys down below) actually sounds pretty manly -- you know, men of the sea and all that. Very manly, indeed -- at least until you consider that the ultimate purpose of these candies is to put them in your mouth. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

9. Big Hunk

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It's a simple candy -- pretty much just peanuts rolled in a honey nougat -- but the fact that it's a big hunk of candy really helps its manliness. What hurts it is that it could easily have been a bad semi-naughty Joanie Cunningham line to which a Pavlovian studio audience might have dutifully woo-hooed.

8. Yorkie

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Its slogan says it all: "It's not for girls!" You might think that this is just a marketing ploy, but you can tell they're serious because they've also turned the "O" into a "no girls allowed" sign. This candy loses points here in the States, where it loses its regional affiliation and sounds more like a yappy terrier with nervous urination issues.

7. Mr. Goodbar

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Okay, so it wasn't named for the '70s flick starring Diane Keaton and Richard Gere. But at this point, it probably should be. If not for the movie -- and maybe fun-size Halloween candies -- this would have gone the way of the Reggie Bar or Mr. T's Gold Chain Bubble Gum. Either way, it's simple, it's chocolate, and it's damn manly.

6. Atomic Fireballs

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Atomic Fireballs are in part cool because of the way they were invented in 1954, as a response to actual worries about an actual atomic cataclysm. Since it's manly to laugh maniacally in the face of danger, this fits right in. Brave idea, putting a mushroom cloud on your candy packaging, but it outlasted the Red Scare, so that's gotta mean something.


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