Denver Food Blog

​Attention Cereal Eaters: The following ten cereal mascots are wanted by the authorities for a variety of criminal activities. They are fugitives from justice and currently at-large. United States law enforcement agencies encourage the community to assist in the fight against crime by overcoming the three key elements that inhibit community involvement in the apprehension, arrest, and conviction of these criminal breakfast elements: fear, apathy, and morning hunger.

If you see any of these most-wanted cereal pitchmen, please do not approach. Contact your local FBI office, American Embassy, or grocer. And under no circumstances should you supply them with, or accept from them, cold cereal and milk.

​Buzz Bee
DOB: 1979
Height/Weight: 5 ½"/6 oz.
Hair/Eyes: Bald (w/antennae)/Black
Wanted for: Impersonating a Medical Professional

Suffers from undiagnosed Multiple Personality Disorder -- while in his natural state, he simply goes around extolling the virtues of honey and nuts. But he also has frequent and apparently unrecognized shifts of consciousness in which he takes on an exaggerated Spanish accent and shills for allergy medication.

​"Cap'n" Horatio Magellan Crunch
DOB: 1963
Height/Weight: 3'5"/96 lbs.
Hair/Eyes: White/Blue
Wanted for: Piracy

This aging naval officer (rank and service in dispute) is now sought on conspiracy charges with known French buccaneer Jean LaFoote. Defended himself in a written statement to police (delivered by parrot) by blaming "the Soggies"; mental instability may be related in some way to deteriorating syphilitic condition, which he refers to as "the crunchberries."

​Count Chocula
DOB: 1971
Height/Weight: 5'11"/142 lbs.
Hair/Eyes: Brown/Brown
Wanted for: Electronic Mail Fraud

Chocula was the initial instigator of the now rampant Transylvanian e-mail scam, in which he pretends to be a Count (or other low-level member of the European gentry), claims that he needs to transfer his fortune into America, and that he'll pay large sums of money for aid. Known conspirators are known only by alias: Frankenberry, Boo-Berry, Yummy Mummy, and Fruit Brute.

​Lucky the Leprechaun
DOB: 1963
Height/Weight: 2'5"/18 lbs.
Hair/Eyes: Red/Black
Wanted for: Incitement, Public Nuisance

Dresses in green suit, bowler hat, claims to be mythical leprechaun, offers treasure if someone "catches" him, to which small crowds of children respond with various levels of inappropriate behavior. Has been brought in on drunk and disorderly several times, though blames this not on hard liquor but on "marshmallow surprises."

​Silly Rabbit
DOB: 1954
Height/Weight: 4'1"/66 lbs.
Hair/Eyes: none (16" ears, white tail)/Black
Wanted for: Petty Theft, Fraud, Impersonating an Officer of the Law, Forgery

Answering to the street name "Silly Rabbit," this John Doe assailant is otherwise unknown as to name or origin. What is known is that he has committed multiple counts of fraud in dozens of situations, pretending to be anything that seems advantageous at the time: Native American, scientist, even police officer. Other times, he's resorted to outright and direct theft. He was arrested in 1991 for election fraud, when he was caught stuffing the ballot box in a local referendum concerning the care and feeding of local wildlife. Surveillance footage below.