Screw Candy: What rich people should give out on Halloween

Categories: Lists

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Pop quiz, hotshot. You've got the wealth of Bill (or at least Antonio) Gates, but you live in a neighborhood that doesn't wall-out or otherwise secure your house from casual trick-or-treating. You love Halloween, and you want your house to be legendary. You don't want to go crazy here--no Oprah-style car giveaways. What you want here is something on the realistic side of awesome.

So given that scenario, what do you hand out to the kids? What do you do? Some suggestions, Richie Rich.

10. Silver Dollars

The newer ones: shiny, nearly uncirculated would be best. And don't hand out just one -- let the younger kids grab a fistful (small hands) and the older ones a stack of five or so, just enough to make any kid feel that rush of a small stack of found money, now theirs. Everyone knows that pocket change sucks as a treat, but that's because the spending power of a penny is nil anymore. But a fistful of dollars? The cold solidity of coin in a kid's hand? That's something.

9. T-Shirts

No, nothing that says "Someone spent $15 on my Halloween treat and all I got was this lousy t-shirt." What you want here is a selection of sizes and styles, in kids' sizes -- or, just to amuse yourself, you could get extra-larges that say "I'm too old for this shit." (And then make sure your car is parked safely in the garage.)

8. Flashlights

Kids have always had a special (read: weird) affinity for flashlights. Bonus points if they're arm-length Mag-Lights so strong that they look like the world's biggest lightsaber shining up into the late October night sky.

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7. Comics
Spidey, Superman, Batman, Archie Pals'n'Gals, Uncle Scrooge -- whatever you got. And not just one comic book, mind you. That's pretty cool, but not legendary. Legendary is getting to dig into a grab-bag (or box) full of comics, in order to pick out a handful that you want. Two things, though: one, you need to make room on your porch for the crowd of excited kids who want to get their stash before you come to your senses, and two, make sure that the comics are actually kid-friendly. If you're handing out issues of Preacher or Walking Dead or the equivalent, you'll be remembered not for your generosity, but for the court case to follow.

6. Boxes of Count Chocula, Frankenberry, or BooBerry Cereal

Does anyone not like these? They're always available in large quantities at Target this time of year, and for only around $2 a box, the return on investment here is massive. This isn't just a treat -- this is a fucking treat that kids will get to eat for a week. For breakfast. This is made of Halloween win.

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