Waffle-pocalypse!!! An open letter to President Obama

Categories: Sheehan (RIP)

ObamaWaffle.jpg
Dear Mr. President.

As you are no doubt aware, the Kellogg Company recently announced that it is experiencing a catastrophic waffle shortfall owing to a sort of "perfect storm" of circumstances: scheduled maintenance and upgrades to their army of waffle-making robots, flood damage in the vast waffle fields of the American South, and necessary repairs to the world's largest waffle-processing facility, located in Atlanta, Georgia, which has been idled for the past two months for a thorough cleaning after the discovery of Listeria monocytogenes, no doubt spread by violent waffle-robot separatists.

It is my understanding that you receive daily updates from your Homeland Security liaison on the state of various breakfast-food levels nationwide, so I am sure this vital matter has already been brought to your attention. As well, I hope you have been briefed on the expected timeline of America's waffle deficit and the steps needed to return us to international waffle independence.

With the state of the economy today, increasing tensions throughout the world, the disturbing trend in waffle-robot sentience and the growing trade deficit between the U.S. and China in the vital area of breakfast-food manufacturing and distribution, I was personally quite alarmed to learn that Kellogg is projecting at least a SIX MONTH period of waffle arrears. According to a spokesperson for the company, "The Eggo Team is working around the clock to bring everyone's favorite waffles back to store shelves as quickly as possible. We hope to regain full distribution of Eggo products by the middle of 2010. This is a top priority for Kellogg Company."

And while I have every confidence that Kellogg's Eggo Team is capable of hitting its benchmarks and returning us to a period of relative waffle surplus, this still leaves the U.S. in a precarious situation regarding our current domestic waffle supply. Thus, I feel it necessary to urge you in the strongest language to reconsider once again the establishment of a National Strategic Waffle Reserve.

I know this proposal has been brought to you before and that, owing to other pressing fiscal and monetary concerns, the Congressional Budgetary Office has expressed doubts that the establishment of a National Strategic Waffle Reserve would be a wise outlay of tax dollars. But that was before this current crisis. Today, Mr. President, I say to you that we, the American people, can no longer afford to NOT have a ready supply of tasty, tasty waffles available for disbursement in times of national, breakfast-related emergency. Even if only as a contingency measure in these troubled times, a NSWR (perhaps located in the now decommissioned NORAD/Cheyenne Mountain facility) would give the good citizens of this grateful nation a sense of comfort and hope for the future, a sure knowledge that America and its President are prepared for any eventuality, and that though things may seem dark right now, come the dawn every man, woman and child will have delicious waffles available to them.

Thank you for your attention, Mr. President. I know you share my concern at this trying time, and would welcome the opportunity to discuss this with you further.

Sincerely,

Jason Sheehan
American Waffle Lover

P.S.: Just last year, Dr. Martin Meyer, professor of economics at the London School of Economics, and J. Robert Johnson, distinguished scholar from the Center for Strategic and International Studies at the Bard Institute, co-authored a paper on the need for a National Maple Syrup Reservoir, currently under construction in Essex County, Vermont. Seeing as both of these gentlemen currently sit on the CBO's panel of economic advisors, they might be a good place to start. Though far be it from me to tell you how to do your job...


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