The ten worst stocking stuffers of all time
Stockings can be a favorite part of the Christmas experience, mostly because of the surprise factor: While kids often write Christmas lists that rank items by price, catalog page and level of absolute need, they don't often bother listing stuff that is stocking-appropriate. So tearing through that comically giant, un-wearable, mock footcover is sometimes something of a treat.
Sometimes. But chances are that you've run across, and even been temporarily excited by, a few things common to stockings that aren't all that great. Filler. Meaningless fluff that sometimes bores, sometimes offends, and rarely merits the sweet, sweet stocking-space it's taking up.
Here, ten things that honestly should never pass the fuzzy cuff of a stocking.
10. Personal Hygiene Products
Nothing like finding out Christmas morning that your Mom has noticed that your acne is getting progressively worse. Or that your nose hair is getting disgustingly long. Or that you really should start wearing deodorant. This is a Merry Christmas that says: you seriously ought to be more attractive.
9. Anything that Doesn't Actually Fit Inside the Stocking
Come on. It's a stocking. This isn't a tough concept. All you do is fill it. If instead you put something next to it, or on the mantle above it, or on the floor below it? You've missed the entire point of the stocking, friend.
8. Playing Cards
Because nothing says "Hey, I stopped by Walgreens" like a pack of Hoyle.
7. Un-Peppermint Candy Canes
Candy canes are white with red striping, and taste like peppermint. If it's blue, or tastes like boysenberry, or plays music when you lick it? It's not a candy cane. Stop lying to yourself.
Here's the only pencil that would possibly be at all Christmassy: if it was some sort of super-relic fashioned with wood from the one true cross, an eraser made from reindeer renderings, and a graphite tip shaved from Frosty's coal buttons. If it's just a red and green pencil, it's just a red and green pencil.