Die, Bunny: An ode to crappy Easter candy

Categories: Sugar High

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Everyone has their least favorite Easter treat--you know, the stuff you find in your basket year after year despite never liking the stuff, never eating it, and even leaving ol' Easter Bunny a note kindly suggesting he spend a little more time on the candy aisle next year, or risk stepping on a strategically placed back-ho during the egg-hiding process.

What? Just us?

Anyway, the point is, sometimes you just get crappy candy. And there's nothing you can do but leave it in the basket with the leftover plastic grass and hope that next year, the Easter Bunny takes the hint.

7. Sugar-Free Chocolate Bunnies

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Either have a chocolate bunny or don't have a chocolate bunny. But chocolate bunnies have sugar in them. Don't try to pretend that they don't, because honestly, you're not going to be happy with the sugar-free version, and the very existence of these things sort of sullies the reputation of the chocolate bunny overall. This is molded, semi-festive denial in rabbit form.

6. The Plastic Chicken that Lays Gumballs

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You're not fooling anyone, novelty company. This is supposed to be funny because the gum comes out of a chicken's butt, and kids think that anything having to do with butts is hi-LAR-ious. Especially if you then put said thing in your mouth and chew on it a while. But it's still gross, so please: Just stop.

5. Carob

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Yes, Mom, it sort of tastes like chocolate. No, Mom, it's not just as good. Oh, the horror. The chalky, insufficient horror.

4. Cadbury Eggs

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I know some people love these things, but people love fried pork rinds, too.

And seriously, these things are just awful. Here's the thing -- your personal history with these things aside, would you eat candy that was filled with something that resembles what you cough up when you have a chest cold?

3. "Marshmallow" Eggs

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A lot of companies make these waxy mega-beans of horror. They're sugary, sure -- but that's it. The only thing going for these Easter knuckles of ick is that they're a good object lesson for kids: Just because something is sweet doesn't mean that it's worth eating.

2. Peeps that Aren't Stale, Yellow, or Chicks

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Because if it's not a yellow chick, it's not a peep. No purple rabbits, red eggs, or whatever. (Don't even get me started on the orange Halloween pumpkins, or the white Christmas snowmen.) And if you're eating a peep without letting it set out and harden a bit? You're doing it wrong. Peeps, like fine wine, must breathe.

1. Candy Crucifixes

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Jesus Christ, no.



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