RIP: A dozen dead (or almost-dead) soft drinks

Categories: The List

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Soda, like most everything else in the world, has a lifespan. Some sodas live long and prosper, while others die and fade away (or, as is true of a few on this list, end up in the bargain section at Walmart).

This list is devoted to those drinks that quenched our thirst, kept us awake, and allowed us to be as high as a person can legally get on caffeine and sugar. Bless you, dead soft drinks. Thank you for your many gifts. And rest in peace.

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12. Crystal Pepsi
Right now, people all around the world are seeing their colas the way cola is meant to be seen. Right now, Van Halen is drinking something decidedly non-sodaish while wondering if they should do another reunion tour. Right now would be a good time to watch an old ad on YouTube. Because right now, Crystal Pepsi does not exist.

11. Teem
Teem was Pepsi's lemon-lime response to the growing popularity of Coke's recent introduction, Sprite, in 1964. It stumbled along until 1984, when Slice took over (probably by decree of Winston Smith), and relegated Teem to South American countries, where, like Nazi war criminals, old sodas apparently go to retire.

10. Hubba Bubba
A soft-drink that tastes like bubble gum! How could it go wrong? Well, lots of ways, actually. For one, it was too kid-focused, which meant that its audience was significantly smaller than most sodas. More importantly, it induced the irresistible urge to chew and blow bubbles in most users, which was frankly disgusting and very messy.

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9. Kick
This mid-90s creation was doomed from the start with an ad campaign that tried way, way to hard to be "xtreme." It referred to itself as the "psycho nitro drink in a can," which is sort of like your grandma calling her apple cobbler "wicked awesome." I mean, she can say that, and you'll probably let it slide, but there's going to be some undeniable patronizing involved.

8. Orbitz
Little balls of gelatin suspended in fruit-flavored non-carbonated sugar water? Yeah, how in the world did this not catch on? There are a lot of things I wouldn't want floating in my drink, and little balls are definitely one of them.

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7. Josta
A guarana-based soft drink? Doesn't sound that great, but Josta definitely had its followers. Probably had something to do with the fact that guarana is an energy-boost, with approximately twice the caffeine of coffee, so addiction is probably a factor. But whatever--Josta was discontinued in 1999 (only four years after its introduction) due to a "change in corporate strategy." In other words, they couldn't translate the Josta name, the reference to guarana, or the jungle cat on the logo into something people wanted to drink.


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