Burger King ruins brunch with alcohol-free mimosas

Not Burger King mimosas.

Technically an acronym for breakfast and lunch, "brunch" really translates to a long, liquid meal that effectively removes any chance of you doing anything useful for the rest of the day. But the King has managed to make a mockery of this beloved, leisurely tradition. Because if you were to get your stuffing into a Snuggie and head for a BK in the test markets of Massachusetts and Florida, you could order a mimosa from the youngster behind the counter who still has the shakes from his bad beer bender of the night before. Traditionally, mimosas served in restaurants are a mixture of cheap champagne and crappy OJ that's been sourced from the lowlands of the Americas, but BK has solved that problem by making its mimosas the new standard in lowbrow beverages: a mixture of OJ, Sprite and ice. Oh taste buds, don't fail me now.

Since BK already has a crowded breakfast menu and lunch covered with its lard-laden Whopper burger, beyond the mimosa, all it's adding for its upscale brunch branding is a couple of morning mystery items. One is the BK Ciabatta Breakfast Sandwich, which fills a ciabatta roll to the outskirts of sanity with scrambled egg, cheese, tomato and two types of pork -- bacon and ham -- all covered in a tomato sauce.

Burger King isn't the only national chain trying to position itself as a mid-morning destination. Subway is still pimping out Jared and his size 52 pants, but has added a new breakfast menu filled with egg whites and wheat bread. Jack in the Box has upgraded its morning with the Grilled Breakfast Sandwich; Quizno's has added breakfast items. And that lover of all things cholesterol, Hardee's, has brought on board a double Loaded Biscuit 'N' Gravy with egg and sausage.

Does a defibrillator come with the meal, or is that extra?