If sex were food: the definitive comparison guide for foodies and horn-dogs alike

When sex and food meet

Biologically speaking, humans are bound by just a couple of things: we've got to eat and we've got to procreate. Sex and food, then, have potential to walk a similar emotional line -- and elicit similar types of reactions.

I recently equated sex to La Tur cheese, the tangy, creamy wholly indulgent dairy product that always makes me throw my head back and moan.

A friend was watching me eat a bite of the stuff, slightly disgusted, and he made an apt point: "No, La Tur would be the kind of sex you have with candles and silk lingerie. And that's entirely different than lusty barroom bathroom sex."

Which led to a list, equating different types of foods to different types of sex.

If sex were food...

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...fried cheese curds would be sex in a barroom bathroom: definitely dirty, definitely delicious, and you just can't stop yourself.

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"Bring out the gimp."

...a bad multi-course chef's tasting menu would be S & M: by course three, you need a safe word.

Masturbation

...a Vegas buffet would be an orgy: it sounded like a great idea, but as you peruse your choices, you suddenly wonder why you paid even $20 for this type of all-you-can-eat.

...chocolate with bacon would be a ménage a tois: two things you really should be enjoying, but when they're together, you can't concentrate enough on either.

...fugu, the Japanese puffer fish that's poisonous when cut wrong, would be road head: one wrong move, and you're dead.

...a pint of ice cream would be masturbation: by the time you're done scraping the bottom, your hand is all messy.

...the daily special would be oral sex: with some chefs, it's all you want. With others, you wish you'd just stuck to the regular menu.

The hand job

...New York style cheesecake would be a hand job (NSFW Wikipedia article): not even the people who claim to do the world-famous version do it well.

...the immersion blender would be a sex toy: you could have accomplished your desired result by hand, but you spent $100 on a tool to do it, instead.

...a late-night binge at a 24-hour drive-thru would be anal sex: you don't want anyone to know what you're doing, you wouldn't be there if you weren't drunk, and you're definitely going to walk funny for a week.