Top five ways to eat like a foodie

Not a food snob.
With the advent of the interwebs (big ups to Al Gore), just about anyone who eats -- and yaps about it -- can now be classified as a "Food Expert," or "foodie."

Everywhere around us are douchey tools and butter-laden ladies who think that they are far superior to mere mortals who think a big night is a bucket of KFC.

For the uninitiated, here are the top five ways to eat like a foodie:

Lap it up and talk about it. Or don't and say you did.
5) Food snobs love their foie gras
If you want to be a true foodie, eat as much of it as possible. Then shuffle over to the local organic farm and stuff your gullet with sustainables so that when it's time to remove an organ, it can be the original food-to-table appetizer.

4) Caviar has always been a favorite with elite eaters
To establish their hierarchy in the food chain, foodies love to state how much they paid for their precious fish roe like the stuff pictured above. Just for the halibut, egg them on.

3) Beef, it's what for dinner
But if you're a foodie, it's likely you're eating Kobe beef, an elite meat massaged by multiple masseuses much in the manner of that spa at the local truck stop. But if the foodies aren't careful, they might wind up bottoms up in Vail.

The truffle search continues. Godspeed, good pig. Godspeed.
2) Stuffed portobello mushrooms
Once considered haute cuisine; today, nothing but the finest truffles found by foraging pigs will do. If you want to be a foodie fun guy, go for the priciest fungi.

The number one thing you can passively brag about -- you know, just mention it in passing like it's not a big deal -- eating snails.
1) Snails are a delicacy
France and other nations that don't know better. When sautéed with butter and garlic and fresh herbs, the slugs smell delicious -- but you might need a slug of something stronger than seawater to get them down. Sucker!

Hey, where's that fried chicken?

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