Eleven reasons the pizza delivery guy will love you

Categories: The List

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Reason #2
"You live at 1283 South Elm Street? Awesome. That house rules. I'll make that delivery first and these three other deliveries afterward."

If you're a customer who relies on pizza delivery, you want the pizza guy to say that about your address. For some reason -- probably one you're unaware of -- you're in that special 10 percent of customers whom delivery boys love. As a three-year pizza delivery driver who's only recently called it quits, I'm going to let you in on a few secrets that will make you a preferred customer. Suffice it to say, it mainly comes down to being courteous and polite and not treating the pizza dude -- who's actually doing you a big favor by bringing pizza straight to your lazy ass -- like some hired dick.

Here are the top eleven reasons your pizza boy loves you:

11. You follow a tipping percentage
You're not ordering $80 worth of food and thinking a $5 tip is cool just because, "Hey! $5 is a good tip for a pizza, man!" You know why there's an automatic gratuity added to orders over a certain dollar amount? It's because of cheapskates. Don't be one of them.

10. You provide detailed directions.
This makes our jobs so much easier. No wrong turns, dead ends or bollards to swerve around. We know you're in apartment A, in the rear of the building, and the only way to get there is through the alley. And we know to look for the Ohio State flag hanging out front. Thank you.

9. You party. A lot.
Let's get this out of the way right now: There's a love-hate relationship that goes with working Friday and Saturday nights in any American city. It's the weekend, so you're going to be busier than usual and your shop may be open later hours. In short, that equates to more money at the end of the night (whether you promptly head to a bar and blow a significant sum of that money is another matter). But one way to make your pizza guy (or lady) go to your house first is by telling us you're having a party and ordering several pies. You' re having a good time; we're having a good time. We deliver enough to lonely folks, and there's nothing wrong with that, God love 'em -- but peeking in on a party is always a bonus.

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8. You won't let us leave until we take a shot.
This (and a few other items on this list) include deliveries to parties. I did all of my delivering in the shadow of a great American beer brewery, in a beer-soaked neighborhood, and even though it's not always beer you practically beg us to drink, most of us won't turn down free booze. It's a rare occurrence, and drivers should decline because it's the professional thing to do, of course. Of course.

7. A smoke-filled room.
"C'mon in, man." You invite your pizza delivery guy into your apartment, strewn with video game controllers, overflowing ashtrays, yapping dogs and an impressive-looking glass collection on a shelf. It's a bold move to offer the pizza guy a toke of your pot, but it's an appreciated gesture (as long as you don't think it's a good trade for the tip -- it isn't). I always turned down the offer, because being high for the next three hours of a shift (sworn upon by some as the only way to deliver pizzas) is not the ideal working situation.

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6. You ask us to buy you cigarettes, beer, etc.
It's not a huge deal. You might have had a few too many, or you're thinking to yourself, "One more turn!" while in the middle of a marathon session of Civilization V. Before you know it, you're out of Marlboro Lights. Why does the pizza guy want to do this extra favor for you when he has three other deliveries in the car? Because you will compensate the pizza guy for the smokes, condoms, two-liter bottle of Coke or whatever else you ask for -- plus you'll tip extra. That's the expectation, anyway. And it makes the pizza guy remember you -- and the generous tip you provided.


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7 comments
Jackie Chiaravalle
Jackie Chiaravalle

In delivery instructions last night I wrote "stay warm and drive safely" and my pizza was at my house in 20 minutes.

Brian D. Stout
Brian D. Stout

I delivered pizza's for about a year and a half. Bottom line: Make it easy for me to find your place, get in/get out, and TIP damn it! All pizza delivery drivers know - K N O W - where the good tips addresses are. Be one of them. "But the tip is in the price of the delivery pizza, Right?" Wrong. The driver gets a small, SMALL, stipend for gas for each delivery; that's all. Tip the same as you would a waitress/waiter; 30% minimum. Oh - and have the %&*$# money ready. Biggest pet peeve besides no tip? Homes with address numbers that are missing, not lit, or difficult to find.

Adam Aedro Drotar
Adam Aedro Drotar

Three years. Lol wtf does this guy know he barely got his feet wet. No pot smoking while working? I slung pot for the almost decade I delivered and delivering to bars is a pain in the dick.

jessicastonetroy
jessicastonetroy

I delivered pizza for several years, and I have to say I don't agree with much of this list. 90% of the time, being invited in, especially when people were drunk or high, was creepy, not cool. And demanding I take food/booze/drugs from them just added to the creepy factor. And please don't answer the door in anything less than what you would feel comfortable wearing out to your mailbox, thank you.

Maybe it's different as a woman. Statistically, we have to worry more about rape and other forms of violence. Even though I know that most violence against women is committed by known attackers, it's still a little bit scary showing up to a strangers house. Then imagine that already slightly scary situation, and the stranger opens the door in boxers, creepy smoke comes rolling out, and he's offering you a drink that may very well be a roofie-colada for all you know? No thank you.

What would be on my list?

Tip in percentages. Delivery drivers make minimum wage, put miles on their own car, and pay for their own gas. We also know where you live. Don't be an asshole.

Be nice. Smile. Say thank you. Treat the delivery driver as if they are your equal. Because we are.

If it's bad weather, have everything ready so we don't have to wait in the rain/snow/dust storm/whatever. Any waiting does suck and costs us money, but making us wait in crappy weather is adding insult to injury.

Shovel your snow and remove ice. I've delivered to so many homes that are just a lawsuit waiting to happen.

Be famous. We used to deliver to a few Avs players up in the Valley. That was always fun.

That's my list.

NickLucchesi
NickLucchesi moderator communitymanager

@Adam Aedro Drotar I pass on grass man, and you must've not had a good rapport with your fellow service industry people. 

NickLucchesi
NickLucchesi moderator communitymanager

@jessicastonetroy These are all great tips, too. I wish I would've included the "Be Famous" part -- that is great. I delivered to a guy who did the radio broadcasts for my favorite baseball team, the man who had a voice I had been hearing for 20 years and I was star-struck. Made my night -- and he tipped well.

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