Top five foods to help you get laid on New Year's Eve

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Ummm...do these really look like little 'giners?
This list of coitus-inspiring culinary offerings is for the gentlemen. Ladies, if you wanna score on New Year's Eve -- or any other night -- you have to do just one thing: show up. Guys, the tacitly approved social mores of our fantastic American culture dictate that you have to impress before you undress, so stepping up your game in the kitchen is one way to separate yourself from the drunken sausage-fest at the party, and let the girls know where the good stuff's at. So put down the Acqua di Gio, pick up a set of potholders and show the ladies why you deserve to be the one they're doing the genital square dance with when the ball drops on 2011. Here are our top five foods to help you get laid on New Year's Eve.

5. Oysters. Historically these delectable little bivalves have a reputation for being an aphrodisiac, promulgated by their shape and appearance closely resembling the female sex organs. Nowadays, with the advent of the Food Network, we know that oysters are relatively healthy and taste nice but there is no definitive evidence that they make anyone horny, or facilitate crotchy-boom-boom in any way. But serving up oysters on the half-shell is still a good call because they ain't cheap and it shows you have a couple of dimes to rub together. And that, gentlemen, is an aphrodisiac in its own right because a whiff of cash will attract the girl with the four-inch acrylic nails, the rhinestone Hello Kitty cell phone charm and the baby Louis Vuitton backpack.

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What's more pathetic, it or you serving it?

4. Banquet frozen dinners.If you can't seem to get girls to let you use your dipstick to check their oil any other time of the year because you are jobless and live in your parents' storage shed, New Year's Eve might be your window of opportunity, because massive amounts of alcohol will make it easier to get women to feel sorry for you and see you as a fixer-upper. Stake out the chick at the party who is wearing a matching holiday sweater/headband combo and lead her down the pity path by coaxing her back to your place and then heat up two Salisbury steak dinners in the microwave and set them on your milk crate coffee table. In between bites of chewy soy patty and soupy corn, she'll realize how pathetic you are, and you two will be buck nekkid before you make it to the gravy-covered chocolate cake nugget.
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Serve it and she'll touch your wedding bells

3. Banana pudding. This will take some planning ahead and a Costco membership, but the potential payoff in the New Year's eve hump-lottery is too great not to round up a backyard wading pool, a couple of number ten cans of banana pudding and a box of vanilla wafers. Dump the pudding into the pool, sprinkle the crushed cookies on top, and if the bleach-blonde coeds with the glittery eye shadow and pink Aeropostale track suits have been swilling their Smirnoff ices, it won't take much to wheedle them down to their skivvies and into the vat. As a reward for your efforts, you get pudding-covered girls (spank-bank material to last all year long), a reason to shower with pudding-covered girls, and a rep so sweet that those sample ladies at Costco will be begging for a sample of your kielbasa.

2. Leftover wedding cake. If you actually went to a holiday wedding and liberated some leftover cake, great, but if not, stop by a bakery and buy a small white cake or a few slices -- just make sure there is some sort of flower decoration for added authenticity. Scope the party, find the girl with the pony tail, Old Navy sweatshirt and mom jeans and casually saunter over to the buffet table and place the cake where she can see it. Tell her that you put it there to see if anyone wanted to help you finish it, then seal the deal by telling her how wonderful your buddy's wedding was and how you can't wait until you find "the one." Get a little teary and describe how you've always wanted an old-fashioned wedding with lots of people and then sigh and stare off into the distance for a moment. She'll be drunk enough to believe your faux-emo bullshit, and you'll be leaving a trail of cake crumbs right back to your room.

1. Steak tartare. Get a juicy, raw strip steak and give it a quick soak in red wine, thinly slice and artfully arrange it on a Halloween serving plate. Set it out next to the bowls of Wavy Lay's and onion dip and wait a few minutes. The girl with the pointy blue bangs and the Jack Skellington sleeve tattoo will hone in on the bloody meat like a beacon. Offer her a fork, pretend to love H.P. Lovecraft, and you'll be gazing at her below the belly button piercings and howling in the new year in no time.

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