Top five things Taco Bell could use to fill the other 64 percent of its "seasoned beef"

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Taco Bell has kitchens, but we dunno what's cooking
Taco Bell's beef tacos are mostly filled with meat...mostly. Or maybe not so much. That's the meaty claim in yet another fast-food lawsuit -- but this time, it's not about supersized asses or a coffee-seared crotch. And strangely enough, so far no one's asking for any punitive damages, just for Taco Bell to put the actual makeup of its "seasoned ground beef" out on front street.

The Alabama firm that filed suit against Taco Bell (because Alabamans have an awesome rep for being picky eaters; the state's tied for the number-two slot in adult obesity ranking in the U.S. as of July 2010) is alleging that the meat mix has too many fillers/binders/extenders to be labeled as beef under the U.S. Department of Agriculture's minimum requirements: The meat allegedly tested at around 36 percent real beef. If that's the case, then Taco Bell should consider using some sexier stuffing than wheat oats, soy lecithin, maltodextrin, anti-dusting agent and modified corn starch.

Here are the top five things Taco Bell could use to fill out the other 64 percent of its "seasoned beef."

5. Bell peppers and onions. Adding this undynamic duo to everything is one of the hallmarks of an unskilled cook or, even worse, an inexperienced chef. Single, heterosexual men who try to cook for themselves get a free pass on using them, because at least they are trying not to depend on their moms for food all the time. But it would behoove Taco Bell to use a chopped pepper/onion blend to augment its scanty portions of meat, because as suburbanite Americans know, adding these to anything instantly transforms the dish into something really exciting: "fiesta" fill-in-the-blank (corn is an excellent example).

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Maybe a crunch-rat supreme?

4. Rat. Anyone who was alive in February 2007 and had either a television set or an Internet connection will remember the video of the playful and well-fed rats scurrying around a New York City Taco Bell/KFC. Reactions were an even combination of hysterical laughter and sudden, decided bouts of ingestion. Instead of letting this untapped gold mine of prospective meat lie in the annals of Taco Bell's infamous history, why not use the rat-infested store as a test kitchen? Have the employees stop cleaning for a week or so, and then snag up bucketfuls of the plump, delectable little critters. This may make for more prep time (unless they just leave the skins and tails on), but with the right preparation, rat meat could very well produce the same luscious, satisfying rivulets of orange grease that the "beef" does.

3. Oatmeal. None of this "isolated oat product" crapola -- instead, Taco Bell should just hop on the fiber train and add some good, colon-scraping steel-cut oatmeal to its mystery meat mix. Oats are cost-effective, they'll keep customers from getting "the runs from the border," and they'll open the door to a whole new line of items, including the "Double Decker Tacoatmeal," "Pint-oats and Cheese," and "Tostad-oats."

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Beef: alledgedly it's NOT what's for dinner.

2. Nothing. Screw it: Why doesn't Taco Bell just save money, let the hapless employees do less work, and just keep a minuscule scraping of meat at the bottom of the taco shells and inside the burrito tortillas? Make up the difference by stuffing more lettuce in everything (preferably sans E.coli), because it requires no effort or thought -- and much like Tim Burton, Taco Bell hasn't had an original idea in over a decade, so why bother now? People will still eat the stuff (and watch Tim Burton's movies).

1. Beef. A novel concept, to be sure, but perhaps Taco bell could just ante up and use actual beef.

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4 comments
Joe
Joe

Now if WW could only get up to 36% real journalism!! Rather than smears...

KB Home Sucks
KB Home Sucks

TACO BELL and KB Home get less than you pay for? Thank you for suing us? YES were not responsible for our own actions. Chief concept officer? Greg Creed, putting the CON in CONCEPT officer CCO = cheat consumers often. Why must society have to sue you to get you to do the right thing? Maybe the headline should read: Go ahead we have so much cash your lawyers will be in court for the next 50 years, appeal we got you appeal right here. Melissa Lora is the currently a Board of Director for KB Home Inc and the Chief Financial Officer of TACO BELL. On Wikipedia Taco Bell’s bio has no mention of Lora who sits on KB Home Board of Directors? Clearly Melissa Lora does not want to be associated with one of the nation’s largest builders? Melissa Lora. CFO at Taco Bell Corp. Orange County, California. These corporations only care that they rake it in you the consumer could die, we don’t care, F”off”. Your brand is attacking us by insulting us with untrue advertising. What happened to the truth in Advertising law? You knew what you were selling 35% of a taco at 100% of your charge. If I went in to buy a taco for $1 and told you I’ll only pay .35 cents you’d show me the door… Chris Rock in “I’m gonna get ya sucker”

Melissa Lora does not have a biography on TACO BELL's Official Website? No one in management at TACO BELL has a bio on their website. Are they hiding? Another reputation issue since the food poisoning outbreak TACO BELL’s E. coli bacteria was famous for? In March 2005, the Coalition of Immokalee Workers (CIW) won a landmark victory in its national boycott of Taco Bell for human rights. KB Home uses undocumented workers to build its homes? Taco Bell? A lawsuit filed in 2011 alleges that Taco Bell beef is comprised of less than 35% beef. We’ve seen the goop, it pours out of a bag like dried brown flour that coagulates into something that looks like ground beef when water is added.

Currently, Ms. Lora serves on the following boards:

* KB Home * Taco Bell, YUM Brands * Discovery Science Center

Other distinguished KB Home Board members include Melissa Lora's buddy Bruce Karatz who was just convicted as a felon and is currently under house arrest in his 24 room Bel-Air Mansion (not built by KB Home) serving out his 8 months home confinement for swindling 11 Million Dollars. Martha Stewart is a spokesperson for KB Home also served time for her former stock swindle. Gary A. Ray head of KB Home human resources is a convicted felon in this current stock swindle.

Melissa Lora and KB Home built this lemon with Bruce Karatz. KB Home is under a Federal Trade Commission Consent Order. KB Home must buy back your home if not 100% satisfied within the first year? Why was this order servered on KB Home? They violated the truth in Advertising law? Yet they won’t buy your house back a clear violation. Melissa Lora has never responded as KB Home Board of Directors to any customer complaint letter sent to him by certified mail. KB Home sells Lemons, Just Google Melissa Lora.. http://preview.tinyurl.com/6bu...Seems the entire management of both KB Home and TACO BELL has an image problem? Not mentioning their Chief Financial Officer's proud accomplishments at KB Home. Where's the BEEF in my poorly constructed KB Home? Both are misleading the public and getting less than they paid for. The only difference is TACO BELL exits after 24 hours; KB Home continues to give you irritable bowel syndrome. Should I be thinking outside of my bun? Taco Bell is a part of Yum! Brands, Inc. (“Yum Brands”). Yum Brands includes: Kentucky Fried Chicken KFC U.S. Properties, Inc., Taco Bell Corp., Pizza Hut, Inc., Long John Silver’s, Inc., A&W Restaurants, Inc., WingStreet, LLC, and Yum Restaurants International, Inc. She has been a Director at KB Home since 04/2004. She serves on the Taco Bell National Purchasing Co-Op Board of Directors and is a Member of the Unified Foodservice Purchasing Co-Op as well as the Discovery Science Center in Santa Ana, California. Are they all ripping you off?

"Our government, through the USDA and FDA, provides definitions, standards and labeling guidelines for 'ground beef.' Just like the FTC is enforcing the 1979 FTC Consent order Against KB Home. Yeah Right! B33F just 3s not E's. Check the art they never spelled BEEF with E's. Just flipped over threes?

According to Fast Food Nation: The Dark Side of the All-American Meal, a best-selling new book that is putting millions of Americans off their deep-fried favourites, you are actually making a decision that involves biting into a slab of chemically enhanced beef made from the meat of more than 100 different cows that is probably contaminated with E-coli bacteria and almost certainly containing faeces of some sort. Thank you Melissa Lora for your contribution to society at KB Home and TACO BELL.

Fast Food Nation

The waste products from poultry plants, including the sawdust and old newspapers used as litter, are also being fed to cattle. A study published a few years ago in 'Preventative Medicine' notes that in Arkansas alone, about 3 million pounds of chicken manure were fed to cattle in 1994."

A earlier investigation by NBC news said that the Cattle King Packing Company -- at the time, the USDA's largest supplier of ground beef for school lunches and a supplier to Fast Food companies -- routinely processed cattle that were already dead before arriving at its plant, hid diseased cattle from inspectors, and mixed rotten meat that had been returned by customers into packages of hamburger meat.

Dishpr
Dishpr

i love taco bell...always have and always will. each friday, i buy a giant mountain dew and place it on the corner of my yoga mat right before class...makes these purported boulder liberals go nuts. i live for it!

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