Charlie Sheen unleashes "winning recipes" on Funny or Die cooking show

In his effort to win, well, everything, Charlie Sheen claims he's trying to be the first person to appear on every television network. Which, we guess, includes Funny or Die, because that's the website that's hosting his cooking show, Charlie Sheen's Winning Recipes.

Yes, seriously. Because, he says, if you eat like him, you can be like him. Which is all we want in life.

In the lengthy clip, Sheen, the "rock star Vatican assassin," makes a salad and steak while teleporting; uses a cooking wand; claims that his fingertips radiate sunshine; smokes enough cigs to clog a chimney; wrongly rhymes "Zagat" with "maggot" and then washes down his food with tea made from ground dinosaur fossils.

Here's the crazy skit: