Top five most ridiculous Denver Yelp restaurant reviews

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Members of the Yelp "Elite Squad" in New York City recently received a chiding e-mail asking them, among other things, to stop acting like greedy trolls; to stop freeloading the grub; to quit auctioning off their event RSVPs to the highest bidders; and to quit bringing their entire families to Elite Yelp events to sponge the edibles.

According to the Yelp website, Yelp restaurant "reviewers," especially the "Elite Squad," are supposed to be "the most passionate Yelpers that makes [sic] our community so funny, useful and cool."

In addition, Yelpers are expected to "always have lots of reviews of great local businesses and services, but more importantly the Yelp members who get in are known for having reviews that are insightful, engaging and personal (aka useful, funny and cool!)." There are an awful lot of people, however, who don't believe that Yelp reviews are any of those things, including, you might remember, Scott Parker, the chef at Table 6. We recently perused the restaurant reviews on the Denver Yelp site and came up with a little list of the five most ridiculous Denver Yelp restaurant reviews.

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5. Category: Useful.

Bruce W. wrote about Sexy Pizza:

They overcharged me because I was drunk. That's some very non-sexy behavior. Unless Denver has the mf'r of all sales taxes, they clearly ripped me off. Pizza was decent, not sexy.

This short but succinct review is useful because it lets other Yelpers and the general public know that you can trod your sodden ass into any restaurant, be too hammered to read a bill or a menu, and still be given your shining moment via Yelp to review and star-rate any restaurant you want. Is this too much power for the common person to wield with impunity? Not if you've had enough to drink.

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Wanna review restaurants? This is all you need
4. Category: Cool.

Oliver M. wrote about Japon:

Japon isn't bad, but it's not going to change your world. They have a long list of specialty rolls with some bizarre creations. I had the Montana roll and it was tasty, but I can't really say it was Japanese. Most disappointing thing are the non-sushi offerings. The salad was strange; it had tons of fresh mint in it. The gyoza were also kind of weird. I think Japon tried to make them fancy by using beef. I would have preferred the traditional pork. Another oddity of this place is that the sushi chefs and servers use a mix of Japanese and English greetings. Although I like the effort, it comes off strangely to yell thank you at customers. For some reason arigatougozaimashita doesn't sound as harsh. The worst part of the whole experience was the host. She was really snobby and acted like we were putting her out for asking for a table. I don't understand this treatment, even at high end restaurants. At local joints, it's even more unforgivable. Next time, I'll just grab a couple take out rolls and avoid the attitude and the yelling.

This review is definitely cool, because nothing in the wide expanse of the universe is cooler than an ignorant American sense of entitlement. The Montana roll didn't seem Japanese enough? The gyozas were weird? People spoke to you in English? I bet the hostess felt so guilty over not kissing your bottom enough that she just cracked and went hysterical at the end. We should all thank our individual gods and goddesses that Oliver M. had the wherewithal to codify his experience, otherwise other hostesses in other local restaurants might suffer the same guilt-ridden fate.

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24 comments
uneverknow
uneverknow

The reviews are definitely not memorable, neither is this article! Lame all around....

jessicamonroe555
jessicamonroe555

These are great. Sometimes it's not all about the wacky experiences or the crazy tales in most of the really epic reviews and these are great examples of just that. (And if you need some really off the wall reviews like I mentioned, there's a great list over at http://www.ranker.com/list/the.... Anyway, love this and looking forward to seeing more.

Tile Levelling system
Tile Levelling system

One of the issues was that there was little thought about the floor until late in the project. This happens a lot. Flooring should be the first consideration in every project then design and build from there, not the other way around.

Glenn t
Glenn t

ANNOUNCEMENT: 

We have recently implemented a system to outsmart yelp from hiding our filtered reviews:

Step 1- first of all, if you’re advertising with yelp, stop doing so and shift that money to optimize your own web site instead

Step 2- have a graphic designer make a yelp badge that is placed on your web site. It should say “we have …… filtered and unfiltered reviews on yelp”. 

Step 3- when a visitor clicks on the badge, it will go to another page ON YOUR OWN WEB SITE (instead of going to yelp’s. (why help them get traffic and rank higher anyways)? 

Step 4- on this page have your graphic designer get a screen capture (picture) of all your filtered and unfiltered reviews and have them pasted together onto one page.

Now, all your reviews (filtered or not) will be visible to all your web site visitors. 

5- put a note on the top that says, “for your convenience we have placed all our filtered and unfiltered reviews on one page to see. If you’d like to go to our live yelp page, click here …………”

Make the whole page clickable to your live yelp page  so no-one will say you’re trying hide something or to be dishonest 

Advantages of doing this: 

1- your visitors will stay on your web site instead of being directed to yelp’s

2- your visitor can’t click on your competitors 

3- no more being a slave to yelp’s algorithm

4- yelp would not benefit from getting traffic from you and higher rankings on google 

5- this whole process cost us less than $150 to implement 

Just be sure to shift that $300 per month on yelp advertising and put it into KEYWORDS that people will search for. 

Please pass this along !

Stealth2
Stealth2

Whoooosh!

(The sound of the obvious sarcasm and jokeiness in the last two "reviews" flying right over the author's head.)

BMash
BMash

Although I can understand someone who has taken the time and energy to be good what they do (reviewing restaurants) can be annoyed by Yelp and its reviewers. The problem is a restaurant critic is just one person. And a person can be biased, have a very different palate, maybe even have their experience skewed because the restaurant knows they're a critic... Or the fact that they don't pay for their meals may even creep in.

What I have always liked about Yelp is that it generalizes and provides a median. If 350 people give a place 4-5 stars... there's a good chance I'll enjoy it. But if 30 ppl give a place 1-star, maybe I saved myself a trip and some money.

Taking the time to piss on a few reviews and shitting on Yelp in general is like taking comments from these forums and assuming it's indicative of the quality and intelligence behind the folks at the Westword.

non
non

I agree with Drew O - Melting Pot is superior to La Fondue.

critic-dull
critic-dull

Your research must have been exhausting. Out of the countless number of reviews written on Yelp, these were the best you could come up with? If your reviews were on Yelp, I would ignore them...

Chefhoney
Chefhoney

It speaks VOLUMES to me regarding the level of service and restaurant quality in Denver that this particular author has chosen to criticize people for being upset with missing ceiling tiles and employees who are put out by doing their job. I see missing every missing light bulb, paint chip, SPELLING ERROR, missing ceiling tile, etc when I go out to eat- it is EMBARRASSING. It is lazy and unprofessional. A restaurant that can't do basic maintenance is not one where I want my food prepared. And a hostess who is too put out to greet me, or God forbid, say Thank you when I leave (!) has been trained that she is there to be pretty and not actually work. Which, again, speaks volumes to the management and their commitment to their own restaurant. Every employee in the restaurant should WORK and be there to WORK-it's kind of the point. And, sadly, this author appears to think it's ok to criticize people who expect customer service from people in the service industry and a restaurant that's clean enough to eat in.

DangleParticiple
DangleParticiple

I think many Yelp reviews are written with an eye towards being funny and facetious (Exihibit A: Rick L.). If people want serious restaurant reviews, well, they probably read things in addition to Yelp. And if someone wants to write about Wendy's or the Melting Pot, go for it. Not all of us can afford to be writing about our experiences at Michelin-caliber restaurants.

saybruh
saybruh

Why should anyone who wants to review a product be an "expert" on the subject, anyhow? There are countless platforms all over the internet where non-experts review movies, music, food, beer, wine, etc. Why should restaurants be any different? Take Yelp for what it is, a filter.

Rachel Moore
Rachel Moore

Or, in other words, "Waaaaaaah! I want/need/deserve more attention than Yelp gets! What about meeeeee???"

Talk about succinct.

Jason
Jason

The only thing worse than many of these reviews, is a review or these pointless reviews. Westword must be desperate for content, because this entire article is a waste of time.

livingindenver
livingindenver

Her [Jenn Wohletz] cleverly circuitous wit was truly captivating, and Denver [Westworders] should be privileged to have such a hilarious [review] reviewer among their ranks.

Sorry for wanting a full ceiling, what other comforts are off limits? How long can they not clean the bathroom before I can point it out in a review, Grand Reviewer Wohletz?

Jennifoodie
Jennifoodie

Writing reviews on Denver restaurant bathrooms isn't by any means the worst idea in the world. I think Yelp would be a fantastic place to do this.

Jennifer
Jennifer

Wow Westword, you've officially stooped to a new low with this one. What's the matter, are you cranky that your jobs are irrelevant and anyone can write reviews of restaurants nowadays?

DD
DD

Yelp is for idiots, i try not to read yelp i prefer to make my own decisions about places

Rachel Moore
Rachel Moore

Yet strangely we find time for punctuation and capitalization. But do as Burger King would do and have it your way.

Kathleen
Kathleen

Thank you, Westword. I humbly accept this award for having the most ridiculous review on Yelp. Also, glad to see you guys are so busy, that you still found time to find this review I wrote in Fall of 2008. Sincerely,

Kathleen A

d9nno
d9nno

Dredging up a 2+ year old Wendy's review to prove some point? Hmm. Let's see if McD's, Wendy's, etc get the reader's choice nominations in the upcoming Best of Denver...

Smoke
Smoke

You are eminently qualified to review crappy reviewers.

R.
R.

But is Smoke sufficiently qualified to be snarky and insulting? ;)

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