Ten beers that will make you a man -- if they don't kill you first

Categories: Beer Man

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Avery
You're a man, so by definition, everything you do must be manly, right?

Wrong.

There are hundreds of beers out there to choose from, lining the liquor store shelves and bar taps like kids waiting to get picked for a game of recess football. But only a very few of these beers can change the game. The following are the beers that have the power to actually transform you from a boy into a man.

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alcoholandaphorisms.files.wordpress.com
Fred
Hair of the Dog Brewing, Portland, Oregon
This is a beer so tough that they just called it Fred. Jacked up at 10 percent alcohol by volume and loaded with ten hops varieties, Fred's maker says he packed the entire world into this beer, not to mention 65 international bittering units (IBUs). And Fred's not the type of beer to just come when you call: you'll have to go get Fred, either by plane, train, car or on horseback -- if that's how you gallop. Why? Because Hair of the Dog Brewing is located under a bridge on a dead-end street on the shady side of Portland. Directions? I won't give them to you -- because you weren't going to ask anyway, were you?

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bumpcitybrews.files.wordpress.com
Smoked Porter
Alaskan Brewing, Juneau, Alaska
Do your flannel shirts smell like woodsmoke even after she's washed them twice? Do you clean your fingernails with the point of a Swiss Army knife? (Do you clean your fingernails at all?) Are chainsaws for pussies who can't handle a saw and an ax? Yeah? Then maybe you're ready for an Alaskan Smoked Porter, a beer that is forged each year inside the smoke of a fire so huge it has to be doused with an entire iceberg.

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CoreBrewing.com
Ten FIDY
Oskar Blues, Longmont, Colorado
This is a beer so big that Oskar Blues only sells it in four packs. They figure you can't handle six -- if you can handle even one. Dark, thick and pungeant, Ten FIDY pours more like 10w50 than 10w40 motor oil, and if you don't know the difference, then you don't drive a big enough rig to need this beer after work anyway, Granny.

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NewYorkBrew.com
120 Minute IPA
Dogfish Head Brewing, Milton, Delaware
Sixty minutes? That's not why she's with you. Ninety minutes? Only on a bad day. No, you're a 120-minute man, and that's why you need a beer that can last that long, too. One of the highest-alcohol IPAs made in the United States (18-20 percent ABV), 120 Minute also flirts with a hop count so high (120 IBUs) that it tests the human threshold for bittering sensitivity. So if you're limp afterward, you'll know why.

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Mephistopheles' Stout
Avery Brewing, Boulder, Colorado
Is this a beer, or is it the godforsaken bastard of a bottle of pirate's rum and the devil himself? Actually, it's just beer, but if you try to drink it like one, it will raise you up and knock you to the ground faster than you can pray to God for foregiveness. To make it, Avery's brewers had to summon their evil powers of demonry. Otherwise they wouldn't have been able to shove this much black malt and hops into a tiny little 12-ounce container. At 15 percent alcohol by volume and 107 IBUs, you're bartender will try to serve it to you in a shot glass. Make sure to ask for the whole pint.

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30 comments
Jthelber
Jthelber

I don't think you gotta have a penis to enjoy these beers!

Lisa Grimm
Lisa Grimm

I've have everything on the list and have yet to lose part of my second X chromosome - do you think it's because Raging Bitch is my favorite of this bunch?

Gypsy3043
Gypsy3043

It don't take a man to know that those beers are not worth a all night stay beside the toilet. One steele reserve is enough to make me feel as if I had ten regular beers, evil eye is another one not to contend with. Forget that, I drink to enjoy, not feel as if I'm spinning a 100mph on a didn't wheel.

Geoff
Geoff

Missed Tricerahops - Ninkasi eugene OR

Kdblove_99
Kdblove_99

All of the beers minus hair of the dog are available in Colorado

James Edward Fisher
James Edward Fisher

p.s.s. ladies, drink these and you won't have to shave your legs any more. lol

James Edward Fisher
James Edward Fisher

p.s. I'm from Michigan originally, and I'm ashamed of them.

Mtn Jim

now in colorado yay

Soggy Coaster
Soggy Coaster

I've had eight out of the 10 (everything but the Boulevard and Raging Bitch). I'd also nominate something like Ska Decadent Imperial IPA. I love The Abyss so much it hurts. Great, great, beer.

eldaveablo
eldaveablo

Good list, but shocked that Hercules is not on here. That's a beer that will make you man.

Kevin Burke
Kevin Burke

Colt & Gray is tapping a sixtel of RR Consecration 4-15, delicious on draft, and more affordable than the cork and cage bottles.

Stephanie Simons
Stephanie Simons

I have to throw my support behind the Yeti. Sooooooo good. Damn, now I want one.

jonathan_shikes
jonathan_shikes

Wendy, Sarah,While the beers are awesome, the writing is tongue-in-cheek. I don't know any guys who *actually* want their shirts to smell like smoke. And the beer was certainly not *actually* forged inside the smoke of a fire so huge it has to be doused with an entire iceberg.

Wendy
Wendy

"Do your flannel shirts smell like woodsmoke even after she's washed them twice?"

Okay, I hear ya that these are strong beers, but being sexist turns you back into a little boy. Bring on the big beers for this woman and all of my craft beer drinking (and brewing) female friends!

Sarah
Sarah

Oh, right. I keep forgetting that women don't drink beer.

beer chick
beer chick

Great list! I have yet to grown any hair on my chest or chin from drinking them, but I'm okay with that.

GFTW
GFTW

Heh, great article!

Miss Craft
Miss Craft

Not to be a bitch, but if you're going to post pictures of beer in nice glassware, I'd try to hide the incorrect labels. Also the glass that the Raging Bitch in is FAR from beer clean, no one wants that.

But now that I'm done being evil, good list! All very tasty brews. I'd like think they won't turn my into a man though...

jonathan_shikes
jonathan_shikes

Thanks Mantonat and Guest. Most of them area available in Colorado, although some are seasonal or very hard to find. The only one that isn't available here is Fred from Hair of the Dog.

Jahfre
Jahfre

Stone Brewing Company'ss Ruination IPA is another that belongs on this list.

Mantonat
Mantonat

Excellent list of beers, Jonathan. My guess, though, is that you will never be able to convince the majority that there is anything more manly than being stoic about - or even fiercely defensive of - shitty mass produced beer. The worse the beer, the more loyal people are toward it.

Guest
Guest

Jonathan, which of these beers is available in Colorado and where can we get them? Great article, good sir!

Sarah
Sarah

You clearly missed the point of our comments, Jonathan. The issue is not with shirts smelling like smoke, but the implication that of course a woman's doing your laundry. This entire article is offensive, and I can't believe they let you publish it.

jonathan_shikes
jonathan_shikes

And you clearly missed the point of the article, Sarah, which was to create a fun list of tough beers while poking fun at the classic/stereotypical/overwrought notions of manliness. Some of those overwrought notions would include: cleaning your fingernails with a knife, driving big rigs, wielding chainsaws and having women wash your shirts.

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