Ten beers that will make you a man -- if they don't kill you first

By Jonathan Shikes Tue., Apr. 12 2011 at 7:59 AM

Raging Bitch
Flying Dog Brewing, Frederick, Maryland
Sure, you've partied. And, yeah, you might have been bounced from a bar or two -- but if you think you've got an anti-establishment streak, try this beer on for size. Not only does it unconventionally combine Belgian yeasts with American hops, but its bad name and worse attitude got it kicked out of the entire state of Michigan. And the in-your-face label on the bottle was designed by Ralph Steadman, the artist who partied with one of our favorite anti-establishmentarians, Hunter S. Thompson. Screw you, Michigan.

ByThePint.com

Consecration
Russian River Brewing, Santa Rosa, California
Your Facebook profile says you live on the wild side. So does your account on plentyoffish.com. Your Twitter handle is @wildman. Yeah, right. Wanna get really wild? Try a beer brewed with brettanomyces yeast or lactobacillus or pediococcus bacterias. Or try all three together, as Russian River did in its latest barrel-aged masterpiece. With these three ingredients, a brewer never knows what he's going to get, and Consecration is a beer so funky that it scares cheese. Your first glass will make you doubt your manhood. So will your second. By your third, you'll be wearing a happy, crusty smile.

ByThePint.com

Bourbon Barrel Quad
Boulevard Brewing, Kansas City, Missouri
Most guys can drink bourbon without a grimace when they have to. Only some guys grimace when they can't drink bourbon at all. But just a very few of the toughest guys can drink 750 milliliters of 12 percent ABV beer that's been aged so long in a bourbon barrel that their rank breath smells of whiskey afterward rather than beer. Bigger, darker, stronger, Boulevard's Bourbon Barrel Quad has more -- more of everything. It's not a dubbel or a trippel. It's a quad. And the beer wasn't just mostly aged in oak bourbon barrels for a few months, it was 100 percent aged in these barrels for eight months to three freakin' years. You'll breathe fire, amigo.

DailyHops.com

The Abyss
Deschutes Brewing, Bend, Oregon
The Abyss doesn't care. It just keeps winning medals and awards, but do you know what it does with all that hardware? The Abyss melts it down in the fires of hell, pounds it on a blazing anvil and recrafts it into the sledgehammer that it will hit you over the head with, Missy. At 11 percent ABV, this immeasurably dark beer tastes like molasses, wood, licorice and the soul of mankind. Deschutes claims on its website that the Abyss pairs well with caramelized onions and cream cheese on pepper crackers. Bullshit! The Abyss pairs better with the nine horsemen of the Apocalypse riding steeds made of granite. Enjoy.

TheWorldOfBeerCraft.com

Espresso Oak Aged Yeti
Great Divide Brewing, Denver, Colorado
Having trouble waking up this morning? Maybe you should have "got" last night when the gettin' was good. Well, everyone makes mistakes. It takes a man to make them right. Pop a bottle of Espresso Oak Aged Yeti to clear away those cobwebs. Then make a heaping mess of bacon and eggs for you and whoever ended up in your bed. The roasted-coffee flavors should ease your headache and the vanilla oak could settle your stomach. But if they don't, the 9.5 percent alcohol content will soothe the pain. Enjoy one with the sunrise.

Follow @ColoBeerMan on Twitter

Tags:

Avery, Great Divide, Oskar Blues, Mephistopheles' Stout

We Recommend

Jthelber

I don't think you gotta have a penis to enjoy these beers!

Lisa Grimm

I've have everything on the list and have yet to lose part of my second X chromosome - do you think it's because Raging Bitch is my favorite of this bunch?

Gypsy3043

Space wheel****

Gypsy3043

It don't take a man to know that those beers are not worth a all night stay beside the toilet. One steele reserve is enough to make me feel as if I had ten regular beers, evil eye is another one not to contend with. Forget that, I drink to enjoy, not feel as if I'm spinning a 100mph on a didn't wheel.

Geoff

Missed Tricerahops - Ninkasi eugene OR

Kdblove_99

All of the beers minus hair of the dog are available in Colorado

James Edward Fisher

p.s.s. ladies, drink these and you won't have to shave your legs any more. lol

James Edward Fisher

p.s. I'm from Michigan originally, and I'm ashamed of them.

Mtn Jim

now in colorado yay

James Edward Fisher

you forgot one. The End of History Ale: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...

drink on!

Mtn Jim

Soggy Coaster

I've had eight out of the 10 (everything but the Boulevard and Raging Bitch). I'd also nominate something like Ska Decadent Imperial IPA. I love The Abyss so much it hurts. Great, great, beer.

eldaveablo

Good list, but shocked that Hercules is not on here. That's a beer that will make you man.

Kevin Burke

Colt & Gray is tapping a sixtel of RR Consecration 4-15, delicious on draft, and more affordable than the cork and cage bottles.

High Plains Drifter

Good to know!

Dewayne Sullivan

Sully

Stephanie Simons

I have to throw my support behind the Yeti. Sooooooo good. Damn, now I want one.

jonathan_shikes

Wendy, Sarah,While the beers are awesome, the writing is tongue-in-cheek. I don't know any guys who *actually* want their shirts to smell like smoke. And the beer was certainly not *actually* forged inside the smoke of a fire so huge it has to be doused with an entire iceberg.

Sarah

You clearly missed the point of our comments, Jonathan. The issue is not with shirts smelling like smoke, but the implication that of course a woman's doing your laundry. This entire article is offensive, and I can't believe they let you publish it.

jonathan_shikes

And you clearly missed the point of the article, Sarah, which was to create a fun list of tough beers while poking fun at the classic/stereotypical/overwrought notions of manliness. Some of those overwrought notions would include: cleaning your fingernails with a knife, driving big rigs, wielding chainsaws and having women wash your shirts.

Wendy

"Do your flannel shirts smell like woodsmoke even after she's washed them twice?"

Okay, I hear ya that these are strong beers, but being sexist turns you back into a little boy. Bring on the big beers for this woman and all of my craft beer drinking (and brewing) female friends!

Sarah

Oh, right. I keep forgetting that women don't drink beer.

beer chick

Great list! I have yet to grown any hair on my chest or chin from drinking them, but I'm okay with that.

GFTW

Heh, great article!

Andrew Cieslak

No Dark Lord?

Miss Craft

Not to be a bitch, but if you're going to post pictures of beer in nice glassware, I'd try to hide the incorrect labels. Also the glass that the Raging Bitch in is FAR from beer clean, no one wants that.

But now that I'm done being evil, good list! All very tasty brews. I'd like think they won't turn my into a man though...

jonathan_shikes

Thanks Mantonat and Guest. Most of them area available in Colorado, although some are seasonal or very hard to find. The only one that isn't available here is Fred from Hair of the Dog.

*YOUR

High Plains Drifter

Consecration is damn good!

The $14-$15 per 12oz bottle is damn bad!

Jahfre

Stone Brewing Company'ss Ruination IPA is another that belongs on this list.

Mantonat

Excellent list of beers, Jonathan. My guess, though, is that you will never be able to convince the majority that there is anything more manly than being stoic about - or even fiercely defensive of - shitty mass produced beer. The worse the beer, the more loyal people are toward it.