Top ten bizarre candies from the Dollar Tree: squeezy fluff, cowboy candy and gummy rats
I'm a writer so I'm always in a state of coinus interruptus, but imagine my surprise when I recently discovered a dollar store where things actually cost a dollar each: Dollar Tree. This economical sanctuary at 4923 East Colfax Avenue has some splendid buys for a crumpled George Washington, and the candy aisle up front has impressively peculiar sweetmeats that are sure to impress a gaggle of glucose-magnet shorties -- or grown folks with too much time and too little Cheddar to blow.
Gummy droppings not included.
My ten favorites:
Mallow Pals are squeezable packets decorated with pictures of exotic animals filled with flavored marshmallow schmeg. If you take a butane lighter to the business end, I'm sure you're only seconds away from a toasted ghetto treat.
Batter Up candy baseballs are encased in a rather durable plastic bat, perfect for tree-house defense. If you took a swing at somebody with this seemingly innocuous candy-crammed toy, you could rupture a gall bladder. But kids these days aren't exposed to gratuitous violence from television, movies or video games, so I wouldn't worry about it.
A Slo-Poke bar is steelier than Chuck Norris's gonads, and could rip the fillings from a grown man's jaw if he doesn't chew this caramel bar carefully. The candy is obviously a throwback to the days when a cowboy could walk into a saloon/whorehouse/blacksmith shop/dry goods store, plunk down a coin and get a bath, a meal, a bottle of whisky, a female companion, his horse newly shod and a rotted molar extracted, all at the same time.
7. Waxing sentimental candy.
These pliable little wax bottles filled with tinted sugar syrup have been around since I was a kid, probably longer, but since I was a youngster back in the Pleistocene era when Reeboks and Ronald Reagan were in style, I'll credit my timeline with yielding some rewards and a few penalties. Two of the bigger drawbacks were me getting my ass whupped for spray-painting my brother -- and getting hollered at for chewing on the empty wax bottles.
Nothing says "democracy that screws the middle class every ten minutes" like Tootsie Rolls dressed out in all-American red, white and blue. These ubiquitous turdly treats might change their clothes, but I guarantee that the implacable brown tar bits under the wrapper are still the same. After civilization dies out and the aliens visit our frozen rock, they will find cockroaches, a couple of "Cash for Gold" signs and every single uneaten Tootsie Roll that survived the end of days.