Top five Halloween candies from the Dollar Tree

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J. Wohletz
These nasty little chews should be illegal.
It's another holiday season of broke-ass broke-ness, but I can still celebrate Halloween with the finest tricky treats that the Dollar Tree has to offer. I found some surprisingly boss candies between the aisles of off-off-off brand toilet cleansers and reeky Christmas candles, and since Halloween is a holiday primarily aimed at receiving rather than giving, these cheapo confections are a guilt-free way to do my bit for kids in the neighborhood.. Besides, if people really want quality candy, they'll lock their doors, turn off their porch lights and go trick-or-treating themselves in Highlands Ranch -- taking advantage of the suburbanite Halloweiners who try to impress their neighbors by giving out the good stuff.

Here are the top five Halloween candies from the Dollar Tree.

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J. Wohletz
5. Gummy pirate teeth.

I was surprised to see relatively clean and scurvy-free gums on these, and no overt signs of tooth decay.

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J. Wohletz
4. Candy powder-filled skulls.

Giving small containers filled with suspicious powder to kids seems like a fine idea.

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J. Wohletz
3. Chewy snakes.

Nothing pleases parents more than having their sweet little sperm-blossoms poking these ersatz-creatures at them on the drive home, especially if the worms are nice and sticky from being sucked on a bit first.

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J. Wohletz

2. A coffin box filled with gummy severed body parts.

There are gummy foot stumps -- complete with blood -- as well as gummy hearts, gummy eyeballs and tooth-lined gummy jaws in this little cardboard death-box, which look strangely similar to the contents of a dumpster outside any Chinese restaurant on Colfax, minus the gummy part.

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J. Wohletz
1. A skull-pumpkin bobble head filled with perhaps gum.

What would a medically grafted skull and pumpkin be called? A skumpkin? A pumpkull? Either way, the mystery candy inside is sure to provide a jaw-fracturing good time.

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LOL DYING @ the sperm worms

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