The top thirty food porn pics from the Fancy Food Show

Lori Midson

Billed as the "world's first bacon-flavored personal lubricant and massage oil," this seems like the perfect hostess gift for a PETA-pimping vegan. Keep it sizzlin', y'all.

Seventeen meals in four days, excluding bakery stops; 26 miles of walking (give or take), plus an additional 4.3 miles of exhibition halls clustered with more than 80,000 specialty foods and beverages from nearly forty countries.

Artisan cheeses and charcuterie; beans that don't make you fart; bacon beer that probably does; enough chocolate to keep Willy Wonka in business for generations to come; bacon lube, bacon bars, bacon pickles and just bacon; fruit vinegars and fruit jams, jellies and preserves; beef jerky and faux beef knockoffs; Whoop Ass salsa and olive oils packaged to trick you into thinking you're buying the Chanel equivalent; clam chowder from a can poured on a pizza; Ruth Reichl! -- that, people, sums up the four days I spent in San Francisco, waddling my way though my favorite city in America and 206,000-square-feet of convention center space, the location of this year's Fancy Food Show.

I could go on and on and on about everything I consumed while tripping my way through the halls, but this kind of culinary orgy is best translated through food porn. Herewith, thirty of the weirdest, funniest, most interesting and best products I encountered during the show.

Lori Midson

Beans, beans, the musical fruit, the more you eat, the more you toot, unless you buy into the shtick seeping out from the mouthpieces at the Fartless Factory, which guarantees beans that suppress offending odors.

Lori Midson

If margarita salt can sell millions, why can't beer salt?

Lori Midson

Pickling was a huge trend at the Fancy Food Show, and, of course, someone had to jump on board the bacon-pickle bandwagon. I'd definitely buy these, however, along with the whiskey-soaked pickles.

Lori Midson

I don't like chocolate milk -- never have -- but I've got to give props to the "ready to pour" chocolate milk from this company, whose product was superior to any chocolate milk I've ever had. Rich, chocolate-y and really, really good.

Lori Midson

There are a lot of salsas that claim to "whoop your ass," but this one, appropriately named "Whoop Ass," actually delivers on its promise. Perhaps this, and a sack of fartless beans, could be the next best Super Bowl snack-food pairing.