Five reasons why you should buy your coffee at Starbucks

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Starbucks' outspoken support of same-sex marriage prompted the National Organization for Marriage (NOM) to create an international campaign to "Dump Starbucks," an attempt to persuade people to stop buying coffee from Starbucks because, according to itsDump Starbucks website, "it has taken a corporate-wide position that the definition of marriage between one man and one woman should be eliminated and that same-sex marriage should become equally 'normal'. As such, has deeply offended at least half its US customers, and the vast majority of its international customers."

Although it's not clear from the website exactly how the same-sex marriage opponents added up the numbers in that statement, one thing is glaringly obvious: going without Starbucks is really just too much to ask of people. And so, in the interest of "request denied," here are five reasons why you should buy your coffee at Starbucks -- hold the decaf.

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5. So much nice for the price.

Starbucks employees are nice. They are so incredibly nice that they make Taylor Swift look like an angry, Silverback gorilla. They have insanely large, teeth-included smiles for every customer at hours of the morning that Jesus himself wouldn't be awake for; they are hopping and skipping around like caffeinated bunnies in the afternoon; and in the evenings they dance around the espresso machines like meth-elves, competing over whose turn it is to froth the milk. Sure, Buckies' coffee costs a bit more than making a pot at home, but it's worth it to have at least a couple of people a day be nice to you -- it may be the only time that happens.

4. Salumi & Cheese, if you please.

As if coffee and niceness wasn't enough, Starbucks has food, too. Rather good food, in fact, and although its breakfast sandwiches could use a bit more fat and a few more calories to make them less dry and carboard-y, the bistro boxes are filled with lunchtime-anytime goodies like grilled chicken, hummus and pita, Brie, roasted almonds, fresh fruit and vegetables, dark chocolate bits. And Starbucks even has a box with prosciutto, peppered and dry salami, Asiago cheese, rustic crackers and olives. How's that for fast food that doesn't require a heartburn pill or ketchup packets?

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3. The Peppermint Mocha Frappuccino.

This is the drink of champions, all year round, and whether you have to study all night for a Russian Lit exam, sit through traffic court or harvest several bushels of winter wheat, you can be assured that after throwing one of these drinks back, you'll be hyper enough to do all those things -- and probably want to beat your chest like Tarzan with both hands afterwards.

2. Getting mugged.

Starbucks has the greatest beverage mugs ever constructed. It's possible that these to-go mugs are created from alien technology-based metals that are also used in intergalactic spaceship construction, because you can run over a Starbucks mug with a Dodge Magnum and its physical structure and composition will not change. The latest, greatest thermal beverage container even has a small, green rubber ball stopper on it, making it the first coffee mug to utilize ball-gag technology.

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1. Because their support for same-sex marriages improves the ambiance at the stores.

Who wants to drink their morning coffee at a Starbucks full of right-wing, bible-whacking, Santorum-suckling, backwards-thinking, anachronistic, bigoted, repressive jackasses? Luckily, since this boycott, nobody has to.


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21 comments
ohwell
ohwell

Is this even relevant?  If you are really religoius ( or observant Mormon), you view caffeine as a drug and dont drink coffee anyway.

As for the other 98%,  the caffiene is way more important than any views on marriage.

Matthew Simpson
Matthew Simpson

I applaud Howard (a.k.a.Howie) for standing up for something he believes in:  "one person with a belief is equal to a force of 99 who have only interests." - John Stuart Mill. Plus that new Kona coffee they're making is so sumptous, yum:http://www.konacoffeebuzz.com/... 

Maggie
Maggie

Nah. I'd rather not give my money to the Wal-Mart of coffee.

CHB
CHB

Reasons not to buy from starbucks: 1. Their coffee is adequate at best, and that is if i am kind2. Their owner lied like a rug to the ppl of seattle stating that he would not move their beloved Seattle Sonics NBA team, ever. 3. The owner immediately and happily sold his fans down the river and sold the sonics to a bunch of rednecks who moved the team to that shithole known as Oklahoma City4. See points 1-3

RayRay
RayRay

I've worked for Starbucks for almost 7 years and I love it. The company isn't perfect, but it knows this, and doesn't try to make excuses. Yes, I have been known to dance (and sing!) around the bar and be smiley more often than not, but I promise I leave my manifesto in the car and my nose piercing at home. Hateful and spiteful have no room either, because isn't that what spouses are for? Just don't push my buttons 5-7 days out of the month and we'll be fine. 

Anyway, thank you for this little bit. I'm not curing cancer, but I feel validated.

Sandymatt17
Sandymatt17

OK. There's a Starbucks in my building and I find myself going there more often than not. But...the fact that they serve breakfast sandwiches and DO NOT CARRY KETCHUP makes me want to bludgeon someone with a tamper. Too good for ketchup? Fuck you! Now give me my iced Americano and I will be on my way.

Mantonat
Mantonat

Only one reason to not drink Starbucks coffee: it tastes like burned plastic. I'd much rather spend my money at a locally owned independent coffeehouse (that's maybe even owned and operated by a same-sex couple) than waste my money on something that doesn't taste good. Keep coffee and politics separate - coffee time is too early in the morning for politics.

GFTW
GFTW

Who wants to drink their morning coffee at a Starbucks full of left-wing, communist manifesto-whacking, Obama-suckling, stoned-thinking, tattooed, pierced, hateful, spiteful, snarky jackasses?

Nobody. Plus drinking Starbucks every day will make you broke.

Carly
Carly

Love it.  As much as I love a truly well-crafted espresso drink, Starbucks has its place in the morning beverage (and afternoon guilty pleasure snack) world because of the consistent drinks and always happy employees (airports and grocery stores not included).  It's just a plus that they support gay marriage.

Jenn the Barbarian
Jenn the Barbarian

 Trust me, ketchup would not help those breakfast sammies. Although it could rehydrate the edges a little.

Jenn the Barbarian
Jenn the Barbarian

 I friggin' love you too, Mantonat. This blog would not the same without you!

Jenn the Barbarian
Jenn the Barbarian

 GFTW: This is exactly why I heart you! I also suspect that drinking Starbucks coffee every day has made me sterile.

Chris
Chris

Huh, I think with a response like that I will have to Starbux a bit more often. As long as GTFW isn't sitting there trolling, it sounds like the perfect place.

Matt
Matt

.........basketball. 

Rex Grant
Rex Grant

I agree. But sometimes when you're in the middle of Tennessee there are not a lot of options...

GFTW
GFTW

And your hair pink?? :P

Jenn the Barbarian
Jenn the Barbarian

 And I am definitely a Marxist, Comrade GFTW. I even have a toga.

Jenn the Barbarian
Jenn the Barbarian

 @GFTW: I know, right? If I was a REAL commie I'd dye it red. I guess I'm just a slightly diluted commie--or as I call it: a socialist.

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