Five reasons why Thanksgiving is a fly-over holiday

2. Family prequel.

Thanksgiving also has the ignominious task of forcing everyone to deal with their family members before Christmas, without the benefit of boozy eggnog, rum punch, and the opening of gifts to kill time and break up the annual political, religious and inter-clan, gossipy ear-homicide that no one looks forward to. There should be a federal law banning extended family get-togethers before and directly after Christmas, and an accompanying mandate that clearly outlines the massive amount of liquor, beer and wine that should be present during these groupings. Here's hoping our relatives truly do fly over the states we live in on Thanksgiving, and continue on until they reach vacation spots far, far away -- at least until December 25, when they mitigate their visits by bringing gift cards and those little baskets filled with dried apricots.

1. It's a pit stop before Black Friday.

Thanksgiving these days seems like little more than a fueling stop for Black Friday, and converting mounds of marshmallow yams into energy for bashing people with shopping carts is more of an American tradition than giving thanks for the piles of shit we already have. That bulky turkey dinner with all the trimmings is what gives good, hard-working Americans the extra vitality and vigor they need to make sure they can leap over end caps in a single bound, crush the skulls of anyone trying to black them from the game-console displays, and run the hundred-meter dash toward plasma screen TVs on sale for ten dollars.

Sponsor Content

My Voice Nation Help

Now Trending

From the Vault