Five reasons why Guy Fieri should drive to Douchebagistan and never come back
Guy Fieri is getting more bad press than Congress and/or Lindsay Lohan right now -- okay, maybe the same amount of rotten press, but that's still plenty -- all apparently inspired by the review that Pete Wells, restaurant critic for the New York Times, just gave Fieri's brand-new restaurant, Guy's American Kitchen & Bar.
But all these new haters are coming late to the game. I've been an anti-fan of Fieri since the late '90s.
And I have lots of reasons. Here are my top five for why I consider Guy Fieri a douche.
Fieri has hair like space-alien pornstar pubes, and wears sunglasses clinging to the back of his head like a pineapple garnish grasping the rim of one of his garish cocktails, pinky rings, and gold hoop earrings that you usually see on female pirate role-players. His skin is burnt orange like a douche-a-loompa, he glistens with oily body secretions like a Honeybaked ham, and his wardrobe makes you think that Ed Hardy horked in his closet. In short, Guy Fieri -- who was actually born Guy Ramsay Ferry and not Guy Fee-ETTY (he legally changed it in 1995, presumably to sound cooler...scary failure) -- looks like a textbook model of a douche, and when he opens his hyperactive meathole, nothing but unnecessarily loud, obnoxious douchery comes out.
Guys like Fieri are the reason why Axe body spray was invented. Guys like him are the reason single women carry pepper spray and give out fake cell numbers to men at bars.
I'm sure Fieri is massively popular with white, mid-twenties het males who routinely use outdated pseudo-ebonic phrases like "da bomb!" "Balls-DEEP!" and "Deez NUTS!" and have at least one friend named Kevie or B-Dawg. This stuff isn't endearing when Gwen Stefani does it, and since Fieri doesn't have dance moves, tits or an awesome clothing line to pitch, his douche-celeb rank falls somewhere under Gilbert Gottfried and above Joe Piscopo.
Who proclaims himself a "Kulinary Gansta," names dishes things like "Mac-Daddi-Roni Salad" and "Slamma Jamma Parmigiana," and utters phrases like "That's a hot frisbee of fun," "This insert anything is MONEY!, and "I'm driving the bus to Flavor Town"? Only Guy Fieri, a douchey, flame-decorated windsock fueled by mouth gas. I wish he'd drive the bus to Douchebagistan, and never, ever come back.