Five reasons why Guy Fieri should drive to Douchebagistan and never come back

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Guy Fieri is getting more bad press than Congress and/or Lindsay Lohan right now -- okay, maybe the same amount of rotten press, but that's still plenty -- all apparently inspired by the review that Pete Wells, restaurant critic for the New York Times, just gave Fieri's brand-new restaurant, Guy's American Kitchen & Bar.

But all these new haters are coming late to the game. I've been an anti-fan of Fieri since the late '90s.

And I have lots of reasons. Here are my top five for why I consider Guy Fieri a douche.

See also:
-Guy Fieri dives into Denver
-Guy Fieri: A reader review
-Guy Fieri brings the circus to Denver

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5. His style screams douchality.

Fieri has hair like space-alien pornstar pubes, and wears sunglasses clinging to the back of his head like a pineapple garnish grasping the rim of one of his garish cocktails, pinky rings, and gold hoop earrings that you usually see on female pirate role-players. His skin is burnt orange like a douche-a-loompa, he glistens with oily body secretions like a Honeybaked ham, and his wardrobe makes you think that Ed Hardy horked in his closet. In short, Guy Fieri -- who was actually born Guy Ramsay Ferry and not Guy Fee-ETTY (he legally changed it in 1995, presumably to sound cooler...scary failure) -- looks like a textbook model of a douche, and when he opens his hyperactive meathole, nothing but unnecessarily loud, obnoxious douchery comes out.

Guys like Fieri are the reason why Axe body spray was invented. Guys like him are the reason single women carry pepper spray and give out fake cell numbers to men at bars.

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4. Guy's "Guy-isms" are off the douche chain.

I'm sure Fieri is massively popular with white, mid-twenties het males who routinely use outdated pseudo-ebonic phrases like "da bomb!" "Balls-DEEP!" and "Deez NUTS!" and have at least one friend named Kevie or B-Dawg. This stuff isn't endearing when Gwen Stefani does it, and since Fieri doesn't have dance moves, tits or an awesome clothing line to pitch, his douche-celeb rank falls somewhere under Gilbert Gottfried and above Joe Piscopo.

Who proclaims himself a "Kulinary Gansta," names dishes things like "Mac-Daddi-Roni Salad" and "Slamma Jamma Parmigiana," and utters phrases like "That's a hot frisbee of fun," "This insert anything is MONEY!, and "I'm driving the bus to Flavor Town"? Only Guy Fieri, a douchey, flame-decorated windsock fueled by mouth gas. I wish he'd drive the bus to Douchebagistan, and never, ever come back.



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71 comments
HezekiahRamirez
HezekiahRamirez

...And two years later this is still relevant. I'd be shocked if it didn't come out eventually that this douchearino is a serial rapist. Honestly, do you seriously believe he's never date raped anyone? Like, seriously? He's probably got a pocket full of "Big Daddy Rock'N'Rollin Slamma Jamma Rape-O-Rama Roofies" on him at all times. Covered in donkey sauce, of course. And deep fried in cheddar-flavored lard. God, I hate this guy. All he needs is a fedora and a "PLAYA" tattoo and he could be the mascot of the MRA movement. Add another pinky ring and he could be the CEO of a porn production company. Give him Tapout shirt and a backward baseball cap and he could be the lead singer of Puddle of Mudd or something. He looks like Kid Rock's fatass little brother. He looks like Snooki's stepdad. He looks like the guy who runs a "pick up artist" class at the Holiday Inn every Tuesday evening. He looks like the "manager" of some douchey rich kid from North Caldwell who thinks he can make it in MMA. He looks like a cross between an MRA, your typical "gamer," and The Situation. He should be selling herbal penile "enhancement" pills on late-night TV right after the Girls Gone Wild ads. (Is that even still a thing? Probably not. But it's where he belongs.)

God I hate this fucking guy.

BrianReese
BrianReese

A douchetool, bottom line.  Worse than a tool, less attractive than a douche.  You are welcome, please feel free to use the term where it applies.

willied
willied

why would someone who's overweight with short dyed hair and an aggressive nose piercing be calling out someone who's overweight, with short dyed hair and tattoos?  

chrisflowers1
chrisflowers1

Ok.  Can you say that you have never, ever wanted to find the BEST cheesesteak you could get in Phiily?  This is what he does. Did you  never want to find the pizza in Chicago without wasting time walking around thousands of pizza shops everywhere? Well, this is what a guy named Guy does.  So, get off your high horse and enjoy your Philly steak or your Chicago pizza and act like a regular Joe.  Most of the middle class live for regular food.  You know you have, snob.

unknown
unknown

I'm laughing because it seems that adults are just hating on the fact that this man is over 10x successful than you will ever be, and it's only a little population of arrogant, anti-social, middle-aged men and women who hate him. I mean, you literally must have no life if you write articles about someone you hate, repeating the word "douche" over twenty times. If you want to see a real and true douche bag, please, meet the author of this article. Well, so much for being the mature ones, eh? 

dodger4
dodger4

You simpleton critics obviously have no sense of humor, can't see further than your nose, and are so shallow your styrofoam boat will run aground.

akjrawlins56
akjrawlins56

How funny!! I am looking forward to reading more of your humor!  Had me laughing my head off.  And to the offended people commenting below - be fortunate that we DO have freedom of speech and that YOU along with everyone else in the USA can say, write and read whatever is desired. So like it or leave it, read or don't read it.  

elisakleven7
elisakleven7

Guy Fieri gets rich by stuffing tortured, factory farmed animals into his fat face. 

iowastate
iowastate

I watched Next Food Network star the year Guy Ferry won ( I have friends from his area who knew his family and his real name)  and I was shocked that this idiot was even considered as a finalist.       His only appeal was being different from those who had real talent as chefs.

jimhoffman10
jimhoffman10

Best article I've read in years! Thank you for the laughs. Guy is the biggest douche since well... Geraldo Rivera indeed.

GFTW
GFTW topcommenter

"Fieri has hair like space-alien pornstar pubes"

So does Jenn!

stuckeythecat
stuckeythecat

while I agree guy is a douche I disagree about gilbert Gottfried I love gilbert other then that love the article and agree 100%

dilbertdoe
dilbertdoe

Hate Guy "Ferry". Love this article!

Melissa Bruce
Melissa Bruce

Poor journalism whether u love him or hate him!

jcbart
jcbart

Y'ALL BE  SIPPIN DAT HATERADE. You must have a pretty sad, pathetic life to sit down and write something like this.

Mary Sullivan
Mary Sullivan

"a flame decorated windsock fueled by mouth gas"!!!!!

Liv Elgethun
Liv Elgethun

This goes a little far, but I have to agree. He needs a makeover!!!

Daniel Foley
Daniel Foley

Wow. I dyed my hair blonde, wore funny sunglasses and went to Burning Man. Do you hate me too?

Roy Forgy
Roy Forgy

the writer is the douche here.

Seth Schurman
Seth Schurman

You cry baby's need to hop on the crazy train to flavor town.

Harold Robbins
Harold Robbins

Westword this was done in BAD taste! If your don't have something nice to day SHUT UP!

Jame Koopman
Jame Koopman

I like all that greasy, fat, high calorie food he shows. I like doing the hunch on a giant artery clogging burger that weighs 3lbs. I don't count calories and carbs unless I'm going for 10,000 is a single sitting. He's a cartoon character that shows what chefs call junk food all over the States. I'd rather eat the food he shows than some pretty, colorful crap that some culinary chef spread his artistic sauce on a plate using some ingredients I can't buy at King Soopers. I'd rather eat at a restaurant called the Big Kahuna than Le Dish any day. He's got nice cars and a TV show that will also be shown in reruns when he is done and has had a bypass. God bless him. Show me some more BBQ Money!!!!!

Michael Andrew Hans
Michael Andrew Hans

Yes he's douchy. But hate him or not, his show (DDD) gives some insight into the kitchen and I respect that.

Daniel Ahrens
Daniel Ahrens

Way to really bunker bust a hard target Denver Westword Insiders... When can we finally read that finely crafted Linsey Lohan hit piece? I guess they will serve no whine until it's time... Does Westword not have an editor anymore? This blunderbuss of hateration really blew up in the face of the author... Yes, guy Fieri is a hacky middle of the road beige piece of nothing... What makes anyone think that the readers of Westword care? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FONN-0uoTHI

Vaios Papastergiou
Vaios Papastergiou

^^^ Who has butt hurt feelings Skid? Everyone is entitled to opinion. Me personally, enjoy Guy and DDD. But what, on earth, is the reasoning for some editor (intern I would bet) to bash on someone just because? Again, LAME!

Clayton Warwick
Clayton Warwick

And, the author seriously hated Guy in the late 90's? What kind of douche specifies when they started hating a person? Really? You hated Guy before Food Network gained steam and anyone knew who he was? Did he cut you off in traffic or something? You just sound like a douchey angry hipster.

Clayton Warwick
Clayton Warwick

The Guy Bashing Train was mildly entertaining at best a few months ago. This article is about 8 weeks past it's prime. Even then, calling it funny or entertaining is a stretch.

Skid Jarrett Gilmore
Skid Jarrett Gilmore

Guy sucks and if you give him the benefit of the doubt just because you have butthurt feelings towards the Westword, so do you.

Derek Murphy
Derek Murphy

Gf never asked me if I was ready for nickleback at the Pepsi center... Ust

Ryk McDorman
Ryk McDorman

I thought I was the only who hated Fieri until I read this a couple of weeks ago. NOT lame in my book.

Josh Bradley
Josh Bradley

I can't stand that guy...of all the people on Food Network he is probably the most annoying. This article is spot. On. I remember reading it for the first time when it came out a while back. Superficial? No, just truth. But I'll admit he's successful at what he does. To each their own.

Vaios Papastergiou
Vaios Papastergiou

Lame as fuck. This whiny ass editor who wrote this sounds like a jealous, bitter dick hole with nothing better to do than attempt to be funny (and failing) while trying to bash a person who is by far, more successful than the "douche-bag" who wrote this article. Give me back my 3 minutes I wasted on these five pages of trash, and go get a fucking life, loser.

Cathy Bowen
Cathy Bowen

I'm not a Fieri apologist, but that was the lamest most superficial article I've ever read.

mjoott
mjoott

Figures that he loves The Cherry Cricket. 

Em3rsonP
Em3rsonP

@TREEVYFBABY Hahah haters gonna bate

TheFatLion
TheFatLion

Jenn,

That has to be the best thing I've read in Westword in 5 years or more.  Glad to see I'm not alone!

maxplanck0
maxplanck0

GF jumped into the whole retro-foodie thing and ran with it with little or no credentials other than getting a hair job and coaching on how to dress and talk to appeal to Gen X/Y followers who don't know good food if it came up and bit them on the a** and after watching Fieri, they'll never know. He's not advancing the appreciation of unique or quality food and instead is all about marketing himself to excess.

CJGray
CJGray

@jcbart Dude is a total douche. He hits on women off camera and acts like a total moron on camera. GULP. Mmmmm yummy Haterade BRAH.

iowastate
iowastate

as a matter of fact Burning Man is more 60s than 90s so what do you think?

CJGray
CJGray

It mostly showcases particular places that do something a particular way. Not exactly helpful like a real cooking show.

CJGray
CJGray

I think you need to reread the article. He didn't say he hated him since the 90s, he basically said he's stuck in the 90s with his douchey look.

iowastate
iowastate

there are a lot of us who can't stand that poser, especially those who are familiar with him and his family.    What is ironic is those who don't care for Ferry the faux Fieri are those who knew him/of him before he became a big success and know he was an ass before he was a  D list celeb

iowastate
iowastate

@CJGray @jcbart are you sure he isn't hitting on men...not that is matters he hasn't got a chance in Hades with either men or women.

unknown
unknown

@CJGray Honey bunny, that is the reason why he's slightly iconic in the celebrity chef/food network world. Just like Giada's wide smile, Rachel's fast-mouth, Alton "the-know-it-all". You can't be bland when you're on TV.

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