Five food trends that need to die with 2012

2. Cupcakes are terminally ill, but still clinging to life.

Wooden stakes, garlic-laden crosses, silver bullets and John-f*cking-McClane can't seem to kill the cupcake trend, but at least it's on the decline, just waiting for us to yank the plug out of the wall, fake a few tears, and move on. Bigger and better dessert trends are being cake-blocked by this aging trend -- think of the poor macaroons that've been waiting in the lobby of the trend depot for years. And even though we all have collective memories of the good times with cupcakes -- eating them in fields of daisies and that time cupcakes loaned us money for that ski trip -- wouldn't it be best to honor their memories by giving them the option to die with dignity? Pull the plug, already!!!

cupcake2.jpg
Out. Of. Hand.
1. A gluten-free death.
There are people who have genuine, legitimate allergies to wheat gluten, and for them, this last year's trend of restaurants and shops offering gluten-free meals and products was not only a good idea from an empathetic standpoint, but quite a marketing coup as well. But this trend is now getting out of hand, and it needs to be stopped before it gets so big that Dr. Yamane, Emiko and Steve Martin have to blast it with an oxygen destroyer to stop it from eradicating Tokyo.

Gluten-freeZilla is being fed and nurtured by folks who have no allergies to gluten, and are trend-f*cking it the same way people trend-f*cked the Atkins diet into the ground. And just as now nobody orders burgers in lettuce "buns," the gluten-free trend will end up a mostly unfunny joke in a few years, erased from menus and memories alike. So why not have some compassion for the people who actually need gluten-free foods and drinks, and pre-meditatively murder-one this trend and then try to plea it down to accidental death?




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33 comments
DonkeyHotay
DonkeyHotay topcommenter

In other foodie news -- The company operated by Denver restaurateur Jesse Morreale has filed for bankruptcy protection and is facing foreclosure on the Broadway building housing his El Diablo and Sketch restaurants.

Epic Fail!

Skid Jarrett Gilmore
Skid Jarrett Gilmore

Oh, and Cherry Creek customers who feel they're so privileged they can make up their own menus.

DonkeyHotay
DonkeyHotay topcommenter

Why so negative all the time, eh Jenny?

HipTip: chocolate helps alleviate depression

Raquel Xochitl Del Real
Raquel Xochitl Del Real

i know nothing of food trends, i just hope i can change my diet of peanut butter and ramen next year. that means i hope i can afford food....

Wit Knee
Wit Knee

Those Doritos Taco Bell taco...things...

flightsimulator
flightsimulator

As someone who lives with a glutard, I hope that trend continues forever: its made my life so much easier.

Shoshana Gray
Shoshana Gray

Cake pops. Why? I want a big hunk of cake! Not a little ball of cake on a stick.

NumberThree
NumberThree

#1 sign the world is coming to an end. I actually agree with something on Cafe Society.

rain
rain

Another one: Stop putting bacon in everything.

Bacon's great, but we don't need Bacon Cupcakes with Bacon Foam Icing served with Bacon-Infused Herbal Tea. Cut it out.

Cecil
Cecil

Here's a trend that needs to go tits up: referring to anything other than actual pornography as "__ Porn." 

Take heed, Westword.

Mantonat
Mantonat topcommenter

The trends that need to go are the ones that can alter an entire menu or restaurant, like the extreme comfort food trend. Some of the other stuff, like cupcakes or gluten-free options, don't really affect me. If I don't like cupcakes or I am sick of them, it's pretty easy to erase their existence from my mind. Gluten-free options don't really affect the gluten-eating customers either. It might affect you if the waiter's time is being tied up answering questions about every item on the menu, or if everyone else in the restaurant orders gluten-free at the same time and your entree gets caught behind a line of special orders.

Another trend that needs to go: restaurants that charge for every little add-on, even when it's something that typically comes with a specific dish. One of my friends was recently asked to pay extra for syrup with pancakes at a weekend brunch. Totally insane.

jenna-furrr
jenna-furrr topcommenter

@Raquel Xochitl Del Real I hear ya. I'm also the opposite of rich. Have you tried the roasted chicken flavor of ramen? It's richer than the regular chicken one.

jenna-furrr
jenna-furrr topcommenter

@Wit Knee I'm pretty excited for the Cool Ranch Doritos Locos tacos--no hard date on them yet, but many rumors.

jenna-furrr
jenna-furrr topcommenter

@rain I'm on it--I was particularly bugged this last year when fast food chains started making bacon get weird. 

jenna-furrr
jenna-furrr topcommenter

@Cecil But what if you actually do jerk off to the food--or pictures of it?

Tally
Tally

@Mantonat I never go again to an Italian place that charges for bread or Mexican that charges for chips. 

jenna-furrr
jenna-furrr topcommenter

@Mantonat Right?! McDoo charged me for extra pickles on my McRib the other day--a nickel.

DonkeyHotay
DonkeyHotay topcommenter

@jenna-furrr ... so smoke some pot, eat some chocolate, and masturbate to food porn ... and cheer the fuck up.

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