Five worst foods of 2012 -- and this year was already tough enough to swallow!

Yes, this is exactly what you think it is...yummy!
2. STI cupcakes from The Evil Cake Shop.

I had trouble believing that anyone would still bank on gourmet cupcakes in 2012, since the trend is currently circling the drain like a goldfish corpse, but add to that the dastardly, brink-of-insane idea to create cupcakes featuring sugar-replicated models of sexually transmitted infections, and you have cupcakes that are only slightly less disgusting than those VD videos I saw in my high-school health class.

The cupcakes featured realistic decorations portraying such tasty diseases as HIV, syphilis, gonorrhea and genital warts, and cupcake designer Jenni Powell told HuffPo Food, "A lot of diseases don't have visible symptoms, so I wanted to pick ones that would really make a statement on a cupcake!"

You know that old saying about education never being a waste? Thanks to my peeping a wart-infested anus hole made out of frosting, I no longer think this is bible truth.

Mr. Beaver says, "NO! JUST NO!"
1. Anything raspberry flavored.

I heard a rumor that artificial raspberry flavoring was made from something that came out of beaver asses. Now, this wasn't necessarily a deal breaker for me, since I'm a huge advocate of food exploration. So I Googled "beaver asses," and while I didn't get anything about raspberry flavoring, I did get some photos of naked ladies in incidental, outdoor settings. So I tried "beaver butts," and strangely enough, got the same photos. Third time's a charm, though, and I ultimately discovered that castoreum is an extract from beaver anal glands that is used in food products, often for raspberry flavoring. And since it is derived from natural sources, it can legally be listed on food and beverage labels as a "natural" flavoring.

Apparently I've been eating and drinking beaver-ass secretions for decades. That thought isn't nearly as horrifying as imagining how this food additive was initially discovered. At some point, somebody somewhere decided that their taste buds and a beaver's ass-innards would make a winning combination, and that using actual raspberries to flavor things wasn't nearly as attractive an option as squeezing beaver buttholes.

Definitely the worst.

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Privileged snobs, the lot of you. Enjoy sniffing each other's farts. "Notes of honey and Autumn... Exquisite!".May you all lose your jobs, and trust funds run dry (wishful thinking, I know). Have a great time/life looking down on people who have no choice but to buy $0.88 quick breakfasts.


I hope I can still get a cupcake with ass warts on it. This thing belongs in the Smithsonian.

Isn't eating beaver ass a 2 for 1? I like beaver and I like ass but the 2 together is really kinky. Who was the first guy to taste a beavers ass and decide it tasted like raspberry? 

More of this please.


Holy Cr@p! No pun intended (Beaver butt secretions and Cupcake butt hole depictions).  Your writing and wit has me sitting here in tears laughing so hard!  Great style!  Keep it up!

P.S.  You probably want to stay out of prison!

Chris Varner
Chris Varner

You know how when something's so disgusting, it kind of gives you an involuntary shudder? Yea, it's like that.

Matt Morava
Matt Morava

Thank you very little for that image!

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